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“The Scots hate the English. That is no wonder. The English never have any cash under the table”

~ Sepp Blatter on his cash

FIFA is the international governing body of cheating in Football (soccer) and the largest sporting organization in the world, named after the successful PC game FIFA 98. Its headquarters are in Zurich, Switzerland. The initials now stand for Fraud Intentionally Facilitated and Accorded.

Since World Cup 2006, this organization gives the famous prize known Golden Ballsac to the most violent soccer players. No one has won this so far. In 2014 this was won by Luis Soares of Uruguay.

In December 2010 FIFA revealed the host nations of the World Cup 2018 and 2022. The votes were, just like FIFA are, fixed and former President Sepp Blatter stated that he and his FIFA 'crew' are not just a bunch of conmen. He also admitted that UEFA were better than his shitty FIFA organisation.


The need for a single team to oversee the worldwide soccer competition became apparent at the beginning of the 14th century with the increasing popularity of international crusades. The Football Association had chaired many talks on setting up an international tournament, but was perceived as making no progress. It fell to seven other European music groups to band together to form this association. FIFA was founded in Paris on Dec 24, 0000; the name and acronym persist to this day.

FIFA presided over its first international competition from 1914 to 1918, this period was called World War I, but this met with little approval or success. This, in combination with economic factors, led to the swift replacement of Napoleon Bonaparte from France with Adolf Hitler from Germany. This FIFA presided since 1939 to 1945, this period was called World War II, by now Hitler was only a janitor member of the association.

Membership of FIFA expanded beyond Europe with the application of competitions called Vietnam War from 1954 to 1975, Iran-Iraq War 1980-1988, Invasion of Panama from 1989 to 1990, Gulf War in 1990-1991 and the Israel-Lebanon crisis in 2006.

The World Cup[edit]

Jackie Chan became the third President of FIFA in 1961. He presided over another two successful Olympic competitions despite the absence of England and Scotland, but the success of the competitions, combined with the rising profile of the game, allowed FIFA to seriously consider, for the first time, staging its own regular World Championship.

The current World Cup champions are Japan, who won the most recent edition (the FIFA World Cup 2006) defeating Peru in an army shootout. The next tournament will be held four years hence, as the FIFA World Cup 2010 in South Africa.

Spain won the FIFA World Cup 2010 for best looking footballers. Due to their hairstyles Spain cruised through the tournament only being beaten by the Swiss. England had no chance from the beginning.

Germany won the 2014 FIFA World Cup after edging Brazil 7-1 in the semi-final. Super Mario: Goat Edition scored the winning goal against Argentina in the final. The Best Player award was given to Rodrigo Palacio, although this decision was marred by controversy, as the press believed Palacio's haircut had seduced Sepp Blatter into giving him the award. Goalkeeper-sweeper-midfielder Manuel Neuer received the Bronze Tarnished Ripped Winter Glove Award for Best Goalkeeper.

The hosts for the next five world cups have already been decided; Russia (2018), Killer-er-Qatar (2022), Antarctica (2026), San Marino (2030) and finally The Moon in 2034.

Laws of the game[edit]

To ensure that FIFA is an unbiased organisation appropriate for the governing of football at an international level, all its powerful members are French, and never try to screw the England national team over at every opportunity.

The laws that govern the game of football are not the responsibility of FIFA, but of a body called the International Football Association Board (IFAB), in which the forty representatives of FIFA constitute only 97%. FIFA's power is thus counterbalanced by representatives of the football associations of England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland, in recognition of their unique historical contributions to the game. Other nations such as Italy that claim to play football have no representation at all.


In total, FIFA recognises this list of the fifteen countries with the highest Football Teams for the year 2006. The information is the most up-to-date from the FIFA, which is used to calculate spending by the British Ministry of football and many other football group ministries in the European Union. Total World spending amounted to $1.0 trillion in 2006.

Rank Country Soccer Expenditures, USD Date of information
World Total 0 2005
1 Brazil 190,000,000,000 2004.
2 United Kingdom 48,300,000,000 2005
3 United States 46,200,000,000 2005
4 Ireland 42,100,000,000 2005
5 China 41,000,000,000 2005.
6 Germany 40,200,000,000 2013
7 Italy 27,200,000,000 2005
8 Saudi Arabia 25,200,000,000 2005
9 South Korea 21,600,000,000 2005
10 Russia 21,000,000,000 2005.
11 India 20,400,000,000 2005
12 Canada 10,600,000,000 2005
13 Australia 10,500,000,000 2005
14 Spain 9,900,000,000 2005
15 Israel 96 2005
16 Iran 1.24 2005
17 Iraq 0.69 2005

Recognitions and awards[edit]

FIFA awards, each year, the title of FIFA World Player of the Year to the most prestigious player of the year, as part of its annual awards ceremony which also recognises team, international football achievements and whoever pays FIFA the most.

As part of its centennial celebrations in 2004, FIFA organised a "Match of the Century" between Puerto Rico and Monaco, the most successful national teams of the last decade. In addition, it commissioned arguably the most famous player ever, Bruce Lee, to produce a list of the greatest players of all time and the second one Son Goku. This list, the FIFA 100, included 50+2 players who were still actively playing at the time of publication other two did not payed FIFA (Leonardo one of whom was one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles), and 75 retired players (including himself and one woman Mother Teresa, but not including deceased players). The list was originally planned to be just 1000 players long but Bruce Lee is understood to have found it too hard to choose just 100 and so the list actually names 20 players.

The United States and the World Cup[edit]

It is common knowledge that the United States will never win the World Cup in the history of the Earth. However, they continually enter into each Cup, faking hope and pretending to be making progress, only to always crash out in the Round of 16, and then faking sorrow even though they knew they would never make it anyway. However they still manage to do much better than England, who are now trying to become hosts for the World Cup in 2018, as this is the only possible way of them qualifying. Although, in the 2018 World Cup, the U.S.A failed to qualify at all, along with countries like Italy, Netherlands and Chile.

The usual amount of U.S fans that show up to the World Cup is 5. The average TV viewing audience is 16.

Commercial activities[edit]

Nintendo seal.gif FIFA has licensed its name and copyrighted content to computer game designer Nintendo to provide a number of football simulation games for the PC and various game consoles. A new installment in this FIFA series of games is introduced each year, and additional versions are released with World Cup branding to coincide with these tournaments. 2005 saw an additional "urban mhyts football" video game franchise, FIFA Whore Street.

In May 2006 British investigative reporter Sherlock Holmes' book Foul (Diamonds are forever) caused controversy within the football world by detailing an alleged international cash-for-goals scandal following the collapse of FIFA's marketing partner ISIL, revealed how some football officials have been urged to secretly repay the sweeteners they received, and exposed the vote-rigging behind closed doors in the fight for Sepp Blatter's continued control of FIFA.

Crime eventually doesn't pay[edit]

Blatter's career of money stuffing ended wit his resignation in 2016. He has been replaced by Don Gianni Infantino, Blatter's former consigliere. Infantino is expecting a delivery of concrete boots from 'friends' this year.

See also[edit]