Mushrooms are the number one source of happiness and despair in this world we live in. Although they contain enough poison to knock a horse into a heavy coma, they are a favoured delicacy of the French. But so are frogs, so, there you go. Mushrooms are an extremely poisionouous plant, which, when smeared heavily on spears, can be used to kill and maim. In contrast, the French have found that if you smear them heavily on toasted bread, they make quite an alternative to jam.
The word mushroom comes from an old Latin word meaning, Satan's Snot. This actually has some factual basis, as Kurt Cobain "lies in the soil and fertilizis mushrooms" however, many people just believe that he was stoned at the time that he wrote that song, "Smelly Apprentice." They were named this due to the fact that when cooked they are possibly the grossest texture and taste on this earth. In fact there was only one other extreme comparable to the disgustingness that is a mushroom, which is pure EVIL.
While widely believed to be an evolutionary offshoot of the Great Woolly Mammoth, recent studies in Switzerland have raised questions as to the possibilities of the mushroom being merely the slow-growing larvae of this prehistoric animal, adding considerably to their mystery. The now commonly accepted models shows that these larvae never develop to maturity due to the now global presence of cell-phone towers and techno music. International efforts, spearheaded by various self-proclaimed descendants of mammoth-eating early humans, are being made to formally address these concerns.
This is a Snake, it is a English man trapped in the body of a slippery reptile. Again, it works. Now then, being English (and they being French) snakes are the natural enemy of badgers. They seek mushrooms to use against the badgers because, though they are not poisonous to the badgers, they are a highly effective sedative allowing badgers to be captured and interrogated.
Types of Mushrooms
- The Rosie O'Donnell Mushroom: It is far too large and obnoxious to ever possibly be eaten or harvested, they only grow in Satan's asshole.
- The Dancing Mushroom: The Dancing Mushroom is a dangerous little bugger, because it will paralyze you with its enchanting dance, and then force itself into your mouth. Once inside, it will make you dance uncontrollably until you are shot down by the local police force. Or the French.
- The Yummy Mushroom: The Yummy Mushroom is not actually a poisonous fungi. It is actually a very tasty morsel, and countries other than France have been seen eating them. They were of course, quickly taken care of by the French. The French hate competition.
- The Fairy Mushroom: The Fairy mushroom has copped a lot of flack recently because of its name. It is considered politically incorrect to call this mushroom a fairy as this may offend the gay community. Upon hearing this, the French immediately went out and opened a whole new range of fairy mushroom merchandise because they want to offend the gay community.
- The Mad Mushroom: Bouncing fungus from a planet called Gnosticus IV or something. It bounces in a predictable pattern, straight up and down, and cannot be hurt in any way whatsoever. It is blue-gray and has a face and...ah, fuck this. Go play Commander Keen and see it for yourself.
- The Banana Mushroom Not many people know that the banana is actually a type of mushroom. Think about it, if you squish an apple, you get apple juice, same with oranges. There is no banana juice, therefore, fungus.
- The Coma Mushroom: Quite simply, eating this mushroom will put you in a coma. Therefore, it would be a bad idea to consume this plant. Unless you are French, then go ahead!
- The Mushroom Mushroom Probably invented by the French, it is the mushroomiest of all the mushrooms, it resembles a mushroom, and even tastes like one.
- The "Dubya" Mushroom: this is a very stubborn mushroom. Everybody who's got a brain knows that this mushroom has killed over 3,000 people, but it insists on that its doing good for the Iraqi mushrooms. Be careful, THIS MUSHROOM IS DEADLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- The Leonard Cohen Mushroom: A robust, complicated little brown mushroom, best served with tea and oranges that come all the way from China. It is French-Canadian and best consumed when the summer night is fragrant with a mighty expectation of relief.
- Bioluminescent Mushroom: Recharges batteries when eaten. Applies only to Solid Snake.
- The Lenin Mushroom A close relative of the Fly Agaric, it lead the Russian Revolution with its friend, Trotsky the cactus, and formed the glorious USSR.
- The Fire Mushroom: Gives Mario the ability to throw fire at his enemies.
- The Stuffed Mushroom This mushroom is stuffed. With what, we're not sure — ask the French.
- The Block Mushroom This is the most useless mushroom, just throw a snake... then a mongoose.
- The Lesbian Mushroom While these grow exclusively in Japan and America, particularly around Japanese all-girl boarding schools, and around the homes of dumb rich blonde girls. This mushroom is rather odd, as it has a sweet scent that tends to attract both hot girls, and tentacle monsters.
WARNING: This mushroom, if ingested by a man, will cause his balls to fall off before he is randomly eaten by a Grue.
- The 1Up Mushroom This mushroom is one of the best you can find. When you die after eating one you come back to life completley healthy, and NOT a zombie.
- The Super Mushroom This mushroom can cause a person to become so high, that the instant it is even touched, it causes the person to have horrible (and yet slightly comical) hallucinations. Among the list of hallucinations includes: thinking that they are twice their actual size, seeing turtle-bird crossbreeds, seeing plants with teeth grow from plumbing pipe, and levitating gold coins. Mario seems to love these mushrooms, because of the fact that drugs are surprisingly hard to find in the Mushroom Kingdom, but Super Mushrooms can be acquired by head butting random bricks, which no one else seems to know about (since no one but Mario and his brother were forced to head butt bricks as a punishment when they were children). Mario has made a total of 8.3 million dollars in Super Mushroom Sales, although he spent 7.9 million on medical bills from several head surgeries.
- The Magic Mushroom of +5 Hallucination' Weeeee! I can fly! Look at all the pretty sounds, you all taste so nice my little ants. If only daddy Azathoth could see me now.
- The Friendly Giant Mushroom First discovered by an idiot who drank too much hallucinogenic cactus juice. Please don't get confused because this does NOT have to do with the atomic bomb.
- The "Shroom" Often confused with the Magic Mushroom of +5 Hallucination, this mushroom caused Mario to go insane and kill his family. This mushroom is a very powerful narcotic and may turn you into an emo ghost.
- The Play Mushroom: See Picture
A little statistic knowledge of mushrooms
Height: 9-12 metres
Colour: Grey, Pink, Green, Red, Rainbow if you've eaten the "The Magic Mushroom of +5 Hallucination"
Poisonous: Very. Not to be eaten in any case. Unless you are French.
Used in: Coca-Cola
Note: Some mushrooms are not poisonous, however, they still should not be eaten on account of people thinking you are French. Damn the French.