Mush room
The mush room is perhaps the most deadly, certainly the most diabolical, room ever to exist on the face of the Earth. The room sounds exactly like what it is, or at least is exactly like what it sounds once you've seen it. After all, what else would one call the giant contraption of a room whose walls slowly close in on the subject within it until all that was left was its mushed remains? Indeed, it is what it sounds like. It is... the Mush room.
Who invented it?[edit]
But who, one would ask after just finding out about the mush room's existence, could have been crazy enough — could have been evil enough, smart enough, twisted enough, psychopathic enough — could have been huffed up enough to invent this thing? The answer is uncertain, and many suggestions have been made including the many historical figures of the past.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...[edit]
One of the first, most popular candidate, is that of none other than Darth Vader himself. He satisfies all the requirements thought needed to be its inventor; he's crazy, evil, smart, twisted, psychopathic and huffed up.
However, the device he invented was originally intended for use as a garbage compactor, which never mushed things, as written in the extremely accurate books of prophet George Lucass. Therefore, was Darth Vader really the inventor of the mush room? Or perhaps it was someone far more diabolical...
Leonardo da Vinci[edit]
Of course, the next best candidate for the mush room was da man. Inventor of thousands of useless, dysfunctional, and the occasional world-changing inventions, could it be that through sheer chance alone that the invention of the mush room be attributed to him?
None of his documents that survive to this day contain any notion of a hint at the possibility of the impossibility of the invention not being invented by him...
Adolf Hitler[edit]
We've all heard of gas chambers, the rooms where people go in and get subjected to the gas coming out of every Nazi's ass at the same time, but could Hitler have also developed the mush room? It turns out, through advanced structural anal-ysis of the now-corroded walls of concentration camps, that, indeed, undoubtedly, this, supposed, sentence, contains, too, many, commas. This had led anal-ysts to precisely determine that Hitler was the inventor of the mush room.
I told you it was advanced.
How it works[edit]
There are three ways the mush room works: walls coming in, ceiling coming in, and both walls and ceiling coming in.
The third one defies all laws of physics, but is reported to have existed. Many scientists have attempted to replicate it in the past to dismal failure and also death. A prize has been offered by the Clay Institute for anyone able to create a fully functioning one (for peaceful purposes), inadvertently causing a further few thousand deaths.
Interior[edit]
The 'pressors', the walls or the ceiling that comes in, are made of very strong stuff and are powered by very strong motors so that anything can be mushed. The program that controls the automated mush room typically runs on Windows 95, and is therefore prone to crashing. This means the pressors automatically fall into their resting position and 'crash' the victim as well. Although still resulting in the victim's death, not much mush is produced.
The said mush is allowed to dribbled down the George Foreman patented groove design, out of the mush room and into a bucket. You can do whatever you fancy with the mush afterwards.
Cleaning[edit]
Most of the newer mush rooms have anti-mush nanoparticles coating the walls for simple self-cleaning, although the older ones required manual labor. During the Nazi days, Jews were recruited for this job, as it was highly dangerous. If one wasn't extremely careful, they would slip on this extremely slippery substance, and crack their heads open and die. In fact, hundreds of thousands died simply cleaning up the inside of the menacing mush rooms. The self-cleaning mush rooms, developed in 1997, were a welcome enhancement that won the inventor, Linus Torvalds, a Nobel Peace Prize.
If a mush room isn't regularly maintained, even if it is self-cleaning, the pressors may jam.
Past uses[edit]
The mush room, because of its absolute evilness, had various uses since it came to be. These ranged from genocide to public (sorta) executions to Halloween tricks to Grue hunting. It has now been banned by the United Nations under its Don't-be-evil Protocol.
Current mush rooms for peaceful purposes[edit]
The only mush rooms legally created these days, even though they are basically the same as mush rooms, are called mash rooms to avoid confusion. Mainly used for low-speed atomic particle smashing, it has also found use for creation of peanut butter. So next time you have another of your peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, remember to think about the mess of all the mushed Jews before it.
Mmmm... peanut butter and jelly...
Where to find them now[edit]
The only mush rooms left in existence are those abandoned in the middle of a strange forest or lurking about near the public toilets. Most mush rooms discovered are marked with a sign to the effect of "Warning! Mush rooms ahead!" Still, hundreds of children and unsuspecting tourists in third world countries continue to lose their lives to these undeleted mush rooms set up by evil leaders long dead for purposes long forgotten. (It has been theorized that maybe those starving children and tourists couldn't tell mush rooms from mushrooms, and thus got them mixed up. Well, that's Darwinism for you.)
Mush rooms are not so common in the developed nations, though not uncommon enough to not be weary of.
The Mushed[edit]
Not surprisingly, many historical figures of the past have also been subjected to the dastard devilry of the mush room at the hands of other men (and some women).
Below is a fine list of the major victims to the mush room:
- Jesus - obviously, of all Jews sent to the mush rooms by Hitler, Jesus was the ultimate martyr; it was said that those who went and drank the mush of Jesus received eternal life; amazingly, they believed it, no more Jesus-mush exists to this day
- Harry Potter
- Pikachu - they say this guy was tastier
- Bill Clinton
- Anti-Grue - mistaken as an ordinary Grue (after she fell into a puddle of shit), the once great Grue hunter CATS threw her into the all-purpose public mush room and doomed the entire world to a plague of Grue lasting a century until her next reincarnation; as punishment for this fatal mistake, CATS was banned for life and all his articles huffed; he was also mushed, himself
- CATS
- Frankenstein - he was just a poor, misunderstood little soul
- Fire Bubble
- Blue Screen of Death - just as everyone thought it was mush for good, the mush room suddenly displayed BSoD, itself; thus the cycle continues