8th century

This page is a member of the Uncyclopedia Timeline. If an event isn't listed in the timeline, it most likely happened.

Represented here are the time periods from quite a long a time ago to a bit later in the overall scheme of things.

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Door-to-door pickle salesmen would become a common sight in the 8th century.

The 8th century includes the years 701 to 800.

The century would see the expansion of Muslim lands throughout the Near East. After the Abbasids defeat the Umayyads they elect to take on the winner of the Bulgaria vs. Byzantinium Match of the Week. Much to everyone's surprise, both would block the Abbasid expansion into Europe and keep Constantinople out of Muslim hands for the umpty-umpth time. This is despite the fact that the Hagia Sophia would later look really neat with four towers surrounding it.

The late 8th century would mark the rise of the Lindisfarne bed and breakfast in Scotland, though it would attract quite demanding and light-fingered tourists from Scandinavia. After a long rowing cruise from the north, it was surprising that the visiting Vikings had enough energy to level whole towns while partying to the max. The Nordic definition of souvenir turned out to include women and many other things not nailed down. The good part for Britain was that it prepared the land for future waves of soccer hooligans, both imported and domestic varieties, as well as giving local fire brigades a lot of practise. This eventually made Scotland the sun-soaked tourist destination it is today.

Chronology

701 to 710

Pope John VII was famous for his square halo. However, it would constantly poke him in the back of the neck, resulting in infection and causing his death.

• 701 - A game of musical thrones in the Lombard kingdom sees the loser strangled in his bath. It was a clean death.
• c.702 – The heavy plow and horse collar is first used on European farms. Farmers eventually decide that perhaps they would be best used with horses or oxen rather than with small children.
• 703 - An Arabic fleet seize islands of Ibiza, Majorca and Menorca. They are lured their by the heady Balearic Islands' party scene.

• 705 – China's Empress Wu is made redundant and the Tang Dynasty returns to power with Tang once again becoming a mandatory beverage. Orange becomes the new black.
• 705 - Byzantine emperor Justinian II makes a come back to the imperial throne after a 10 year gap. He lost his nose first time around but promises he will be a 'nicer man' now. He starts off executing to emperors who had replaced him earlier, Leontius and Tiberius III and has their heads stuck on poles.
• 708 – Tea becomes the drink of choice in China but the Chinese resist the urge to stick out their pinkie fingers to drink the hot beverage. Europeans would still prefer muddy water from stagnant pools and beer, in that order.
• 708 – Sissinius becomes the best pope to date as he is office for only 20 days before dying.
• 710 – Arabs attempt to invade Sardinia but turn back after seeing Sardinians on the beach eating casu marzu.

711 to 720

“The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain”

~ marching cadence used by Moors invading Europe

• 711 – Muslims cross from North Africa to forcibly establish convenience stores in Spain. They are greeted enthusiastically by Spanish Jews when it is decreed that Jews no longer had to wear "Kick me" signs.
• 711 – Byzantine Emperor Justinian II, "The Beeb", finally fully exceeds the patience of his countrymen and is impaled on the horns of a caribou. He is found in the camel parking lot of a Tim Horton's with his stones missing though observers assert that he never had any.
• 712 – Chinese Emperor Zhongzhong dies suddenly with wife Empress Wei suspected of poisoning him. She invites all her critics to a banquet to discuss the charges. They leave with full bellies though still having questions on their minds. Most die suspiciously that night. More critics speak out, but are invited to an even larger banquet to discuss the charges. However, while inspecting the kitchen beforehand, Empress Wei angers a chef who lops off her head.

Warfare breaks out between competing Mayan city-states over their competing Pilates schools.

• 712 – Umayyad Caliphate forces get the urge for chicken tikka masala and invade India. But they don't quite make it as far as Glasgow in the west to be able to control every Indian restaurant.
• 714 – Future King Jacques Pepin the Short is born. Alongside his ally Julia of Child, he would go on to conquer the territories of Gastronomia and Septicemia.
• 717 – The Silk Road is reopened causing an excess of camels in the Middle East. Roman officials are required to teach camels to walk backwards to return them to China. The Chinese would complain of the theft of hubcaps and gas caps.
• 718 – Byzantine Emperor Leo III breaks the Arabic siege of Constantinople with the help of 'Greek Fire', a mix of alcohol and napalm that is squirted on the attackers. Better known today as Retsina today.
• 718 – Visigothic nobleman Pelayo leads the resistance against the Moors to free Spain from the Umayyad Caliphate. He promises he can do this within five years. It takes Spain 774 years to achieve Pelayo's goal.

721 to 730

“Stop! Hammer time!”

~ Charles Martel on realizing what his name meant and discovering how to end the French civil war

• 721 – Battle of Toulouse. The diminutive Toulouse-Lautrec struggles with his inner demons but finally decides to have the red instead of white with dinner.
• 722 – Emperor Leo III forces Jews to convert in Constantinople. Misunderstanding the edict, Jews change over to battery power.
• 724 – Farm animals somehow manage to build a time machine, go back to the Cretaceous Period and are eaten by dinosaurs.
• 726 – Byzantine Emperor Leo III the Dinosaurian becomes a literal iconoclast by destroying the image of Christ over the gates of Constantinople. He then has his image put on every coin issued.
• 728 – Toast is rediscovered in the West. However, it will not be until the next century when people realise that a whole village or castle needn't be burnt down for one slice of toast.
• 730 – Historian Bede catches a case of clap and becomes the Venereal Bede.

731 to 740

• 731 – Pope Gregory III issues an edict endorsing the worship of icons, kissing a cross after doing so. He is then turned into a large toad. Luckily for him, nobody notices the difference.

The spirit of Pope Constantine the Great appears in a vision to Pope Sylvester I, charging him with building the pyramids using Shetland ponies.

• 731 – Bede invents the BC/AD year dating system but forgets to include the year Farfel, disrupting the time stream.
• 732 – While on tour, Frankish King Charles Martel, would encounter and defeat the armies of Mary Tyler Moore.
• 736 – King Arthur sends the knights of the Round Table in search of loot boxes to satisfy his gaming hunger. Court favorite Sir Lancelot is given the cushy task of bringing back a loaf of bread and a quart of milk.
• 737 – King Theuderic IV of France dies without telling anyone. Four years later his mummified body is found squatting in the royal privy.

741 to 750

“And we'll never be royals/It don't run in our blood”

~ any peasant

• 741 – Emperor Constantine V ascends the throne. He is called 'Constantine the Shitter' after an accident at his baptism some years earlier.
• 743 – The last fully functioning toilet in Europe is broken by a grossly overweight Heavy Metal fan sitting on it.
• 745 – Bubonic Plague strikes Europe. It would have killed more people but Europe's population was pretty low to start with.
• 747 _ Prince Carloman of the Franks gives up his wealth to become a monk. He faces a lifetime of scratching and eating fleas for supper.
• 750 – Rioting Parisians from 1953 cause a disruption in the space-time continuum and find themselves in Teotihuacan in Mexico. They somehow manage to burn all the major stone structures including the massive Pyramid of the Sun. Awed by their power, the residents make the Parisians their god-kings. The Parisians then go on strike for better wages from themselves and everyone starves to death.
• 750 – The Abbasids overthrow the Umayyad Caliphate. New caliph Abu al-Abbas al-Saffah celebrates his victory by inviting the defeated ruling dynasty to a meal and then has everyone of them killed when they refuse to try the soup.

Bollywood had its roots in the 8th century. Here is the Time Warp scene from The Rajiv Horror Show.

751 to 760

• 751 – Pepin the Short (aka 'Pippin') overthrows King Merry the Mervovingian of France. The hippy Merry - also called King Chill-Out III - is forced to abdicate and get a decent haircut. Pepin also confiscates Merry's impressive drugs cabinet for personal use.
• 751 – The triangular harp is invented by the Picts as a musical instrument and a way for cartoon characters to shoot arrows.
• 751 – Chinese papermakers are captured by the Arabs beginning the long dreadful march of bureaucratic paper shuffling spreading throughout the world. The Abbasids outlaw the paper airplane soon afterwards.
• 752 – Flush from their triumph over the Ummayad Caliphate, the Abbasids drop Sid and, as ABBA, go on to be a major influence in industrial death metal.
• 752 – Pope Stephen II is the first known invisible Holy Father. He disappears three days after his election. The Vatican hastily replaces him with another pontiff who takes the title Pope Stephen II (visible).
• 753 – Pope Stephen II (visible) invites the Franks to Italy to 'protect Rome' from the Lombards and the Byzantines. Free garlic distributed.
• 755 – Mayan city-states begin warring with each other as food becomes scarce and after hearing about the Parisians in the north. Everyone becomes a soldier so no one is left to do farming, making things even worse.
• 756 – Umayyad prince Abd al Rahman emerges in Spain to announce his family are going to make a dynastic comeback against the Abbasids. The tour stops before it reaches Morocco.
• 756 – Pepin the Short writes his first cookbook.
• 757 – King Offa of Mercia comes to power when the English become weary of mixing up rulers with names starting with "Æthel". It's an 'Offa' the Anglo-Saxons can't refuse.
• 759 – Pope Paul receives the PayPal States from the Lombards but his account is overdrawn. The Lombards claim them back.

761 to 770

“Let it, let it go, Can't hold it back anymore”

~ Beowulf on encountering Grendel's mother.

The Japanese art of gift wrapping was developed in the 700s. Some people just couldn't get the hang of it.

• 762 – Uyghurs intent on just picking up takeaway are encouraged by Tang dynasty officials to attack the rebel stronghold of Luoyang after getting their orders. The Mongols completely destroy the town and kill everyone and then decide to have a sitdown dinner at the remainig restaurants instead. Worried Chinese officials give them gold to go away as their loud burps scare pigs and local forest animals.
• 764 – Tibetan troops occupy Tibet.
• c.765? – Beowulf thwrfd gwyth natten shrud. Klaatu barada niktu.
• 767 – Paul I emphatically ends his reign as pope. Dead, you know.
• 768 – Philip becomes pope for a day, supposedly chosen by St. Peter over the sitting anti-pope and assisted by Lombard soldiers. Paul and Mary contest the decision and Philip is deposed and turns in his pope hat.
• c.770 – Iron horseshoes come into common use, being tacked up over many doorways for luck. Soon, the shoes would be removed from horses first before hanging them over doorways.

771 to 780

“And one goes down and one goes down/And another one bites the dust”

~ Charlemagne on defeating the Lombards

• 772 – Charlemagne unites the Franks with the Beans. Afterwards, the mere mention of Beanie-Weenie would stop invasions dead in their tracks.
• 775 – Charlemagne goes to war with Sky Saxon, while forcibly converting Germans to cheesy accordion music.
• 775 – Emperor Leo IV ascends the throne in Constantinople. He is known as 'The Cha-Cha Khazar' for his dance moves.
• 777 – Two kangaroos develop the first standup comedy routine. It goes completely unnoticed or unrecorded, but is carefully passed along from generation to generation until 2205 when it would be revealed to humankind.
• 778 – Basques, having their berets stolen by a Frankish force crossing the Pyrenees, destroy the entire army with one incredibly well-placed rock. The story would be recounted in the epic Chanson de Roland Emmerich (English version: Independence Day).
• 779 – Abbess Walpurga dies and is later made a saint c.870. St. Walpurgis Night is then created around her feast day, when people start huge bonfires to discourage witches and end up burning down their towns which definitely discourages witches.
• 780 – Widowed Empress of Irene muscles out the opposition as she becomes regent for her son Byzantine Emperor Constantine VI.

781 to 790

The French laundry would reach its zenith in the 8th century. Here, pickup is done on the fly in order to give 24 hour turnaround service.

• 781 – Charlemagne gives the PayPal States to Pope Hadrian I after taking them off the Lombards. This time the Papacy keeps them.
• 784 – Emperor Kanmu of Japan once again relocates the capitol to Nagaoka after he secretly takes control of all removal companies in the nation.
• 785 – Pirates attack ports throughout Asia. It will be decades before people stop talking like pirates.
• 786 – Chinese ships land in East Africa. They trade ripoff Moleskine daybooks for giraffes and rhinos.
• 787 – Empress Irene of the Byzantine Empire stitches up the Iconoclasts at the Second Council of Nicaea. They are condemned as heretics, ball bursters and all round bad eggs. Pope Hadrian I sends a gushing love letter in bad Latin to Irene. She only knows Greek.
• 789 – The Aztecs invent toothbrushes, intended for use on monkeys. While monkey breath is a huge problem in the empire, many Aztecs are bitten severely while trying to brush monkey's teeth. Toothbrushes are then tried on Aztec chldren but many Aztec mothers are also bitten severely.

791 to 800

The Vikings knew how to throw a party.

• 790 – King Offa of Mercia produces his own money. He calls it 'Pounds, Shillings and Pence' or 'L.S.D' in Latin (Librae, Soldi and Denari) and drops a lot of acid at the currency launch party. Other Anglo-Saxons prefer to trade with pigs and twigs.
• 793 – Vikings visit Lindisfarne and loot and pillage, becoming the first tourists to do so in the British Isles. Slow to rouse, the English would not retaliate until the 1700s and would go on to sensibly bully people in warmer southern regions while on holiday.
• 796 – Caliph Harun-al-Rashid's game show 'One Thousand and One Arabian Nights' is cancelled when he executes the final contestants for cheating.
• 797 – Empress Irene in Constantinople gouges out her own son's eyes when he makes fun at her new dress.
• c.799 – Maori peoples arrive on New Zealand and immediately make fun of kiwis.
• 800 – The use of zero is spread from India, replacing squat and bupkis. What did we all learn? Zero.
• 800 – Pope Leo III gives Charlemagne a present. The entire Roman Empire is his if he just tickles Leo under his cassock. The hairy Frank indulges the Holy Father.

See also

• Dark Ages
• Middle Ages