9th century

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Whilst towns would place decoy Vikings along the shore (shown), often carrying signs inscribed "NO MORE LOOT", they would fail to stem the continued tide of raids and invasions.

The 9th century includes the years 801 to 900.

War continues to be the favourite sport during this century. This would not change until the 20th century, when the World Cup would come in a close second. Why the era is called the Dark Ages is questionable as it was very bright even at night what with all the flames from burning villages. In the British Isles, the 9th century would mark the years of the Great Dane Invasions, whose barking would keep the neighbours up all night.

A bright spot is Al-Andaluz, the Arab-occupied part of Spain. There, learning of all types like medicine and science flourish and Christians, Jews and even Vikings are tolerated and make contributions. This panics God as such things have really never happened like this before. Still, war continues in the north against Spanish kingdoms that vow to resist STEM education programs in their schools at any cost.


801-810: Ch-ch-ch-changes[edit]

Caliph Harun al-Rashid smuggling a giant pumpkin in his turban.
  • 801Holy Roman Emperor Charlemagne invites his opposite number Empress Irene in Constantinople over to Rome for an imperial re-union of the two empires. Irene writes back she would rather die than see the Frank.
  • 802 – King Jayavarman I establishes a Cambodia independent of Java. Emperor Larry Ellison of the Oracle Kingdom will watch and wait but constant volcanic eruptions and sailboats would distract him.
  • 802 – Caliph Harun al-Rashid sends an elephant to Charlemagne as a present. Also included with the gift is a very large mop and a barrel-sized bucket.
  • 804Madagascar tries to sneak up on Africa, who notices just in time.
  • 807Monkeys invent and build a large device to shake fruit from trees; it triggers the sinking of the continent Lemuria.
  • 808 – Jewish merchants in Lombardy open the first bank. Toasters are given away for opening a new account, leading to the invention of regifting.
  • 809 – Haroun al-Rashid disappears into a genie's bottle.
  • 810 – A major trade network is established in the Americas with chocolate and parrots sent north, corn and squash sent south with intermediaries contributing postcards, souvenir salt and pepper shakers and air fresheners in various shapes.

810-820: Boom times[edit]

  • 811 – Byzantine Emperor Nicephorus I (name translates as Sneaker Bear) is killed and decapitated in battle by Krum the Bulgar. 'Nic's skull is refashioned into a drinking cup. A 'Krummy end' for an emperor.
Archaeologists continue to find almost intact early gunpowder factories in China like the one shown here.
  • 814Charlemagne dies. In other words, he has ceased to be, expired and gone to meet his maker. He's a stiff. Bereft of life, he rests in peace.
  • 815 – Gregorian chant is developed for liturgical music in Europe. It would progress in starts and stops in style and form after the writer of Tranhentibus, Trahentibus, Trahentibus Navem Tuam (Row, Row, Row Your Boat) is burnt at the stake.
  • 818 - Rebellion of King Bernard of Italy against Emperor Louis the Pious. Bernard is captured and has his eyes yanked out, Byzantine style. Bernie dies. Louis stays Pious but a little bit bloody.
  • 820 – Gunpowder is invented in China. Originally just used for fireworks, 9-year-olds break into the factory and manage to blow up themselves and the surrounding city. After careful experimentation involving more 9-year-olds, many weapons are created, some even not fatal to the user.
  • 820 – The number of Chinese pyromaniacs breaking into factories drops to the lowest levels up to that time. As Chinese experts continue to develop weapons using gunpowder, little could they imagine director Michael Bay in the far flung future using massive quantities of it, cackling with glee and doing a little dance whilst rubbing his hands together.

821-830: Maths confusion[edit]

  • 821Amoeba around the world gain sentience but decide it isn’t worth it.
  • 824 – In Ireland, Fionn eats the Salmon of Knowledge, acquiring all the knowledge in the world. Whilst plagued with headaches from remembering all the cheat codes in future computer games, he loses it all by washing down an aspirin with the Beer of Stupid.
Nvisbl juggling was rewarded with sainthood in this case, but all the imitators that followed were drawn, quartered and burnt at the stake.
  • 827 - The Saracens invade Sicily. Mafia founded to counter this.
  • 827 - Pope Valentine dies of shame when it is revealed he has been self-posting gooey greetings cards with messages like 'Be My Valentine You Handsome Pontiff'.
  • 830 – The House of Wisdom is constructed in Baghdad, with the first library card invented. It leads to the creation of one of the earliest maths texts by Maktoum Al-Jabr, leading to the library being burnt down by mobs of angry middle school students.

831-840: A time of eunuch viewpoints[edit]

  • 835 – Chinese Emperor Wenzong cocks up an attempt to wrest control from court eunuchs despite his opponents not having any stones.
  • 836 – Mott and bailey castles become popular in Northern Europe though they are criticised for their sameness by architectural writers, attacking warlords and Vikings.
  • 838 – Mosaics are attempted and fail miserably. Eventually someone will get the idea to attach the pieces with glue and fill in the gaps with grout. Until then, airbenders would be hired to keep all the little bits in place until they had to go to the loo.

841-850: Althings must pass[edit]

  • 842 – Vlastimir beats Presian in an overtime shootout, 3-1.
  • 842Iconoclasm (Slight Return) is branded as a Christian heresy again. This time it dies for good in the Byzantine Empire.
  • 843 – Treaty of Verdun divides the Holy Roman Empire into three. The western half becomes the Kingdom of the West Franks (French), the eastern half is to be known as the Kingdom of the East Franks (Germans). A land corrider from the North Sea to Rome separating the 'two Franks' becames the Kingdom of the Middling Franks (Cross Dressers from Belgium).
  • 845Buddhism and Buddhists are banned in China. The use of the phrase 'If you see Buddha on the road, kill him', is temporarily suspended by monks as Chinese officials prove to be very efficient at the job.
Saxons and Viking re-enactment enthusiasts go for the real blood and guts approach here
  • c.850 – Norse settlers trying to find Disneyland reach Iceland instead and stay, as geysers and volcanic eruptions prove to be quite the entertainments. They establish the first parliament, the Althing, which would much later be merged with Funkadelic and become P-Funk.

851-860: Great Danes gone wild[edit]

  • 851 – Vikings overrun Ireland looking for potato trees.
  • 851 – Vikings attack and occupy London. They attempt a quick raid but get lost in the twisty streets and stay for years. Pound stores do a brisk business selling them hair care products and bags of crisps.
  • 852 – Vikings attack Scotland and are only temporarily repulsed by haggis and bagpipe music.
  • 853 – Erik the Wet claims an iceberg as his kingdom with predictable results.
  • 855 – The first woman becomes the Supreme Pontiff as Pope Joan. Catholic Church says this was an 'error' as Joan said she was a 'beardless' Englishman and that having a pair of breasts and a vagina were 'common for men in her country'. Joan later dies whilst be caught short and heavily pregnant in Rome. This was the Age of Supreme Ignorance.
  • 860 – Viking chieftain Hastein fakes his own death. His men then carry his 'body' into Rome in a funeral procession, allowing them to enter without suspicion. They successfully overwhelm the city, which turns out to be Luna, not Rome.

861-870: King me![edit]

One of Alfred the Great's primary school report cards.
  • 862 – Viking chieftain Rurik establishes his rule in Russia. His first edict: no lutefisk.
  • 862 – The Moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars.
  • 866 – Byzantine Emperor Michael III 'the Drunkard' stays off booze for a day. Just one.
  • 867 – Emperor Basil the Fawlty takes control as Byzantine Emperor. Hilarity ensues.
  • 868 – First known printed book in China, Wang’s Big Book of Dirty Jokes, is published.
  • 869 – A tsunami strikes Hawaii; surfing is accidentally invented.
  • 869 – King Lothar dies. He was King of Lotharingia. Germans call it now 'Lotharingien' and the French 'Lorriane'. Lothar himself?...totally forgotten.
  • 870Serbia converts to Christianity en masse as they find they can still kill their neighbors by declaring them infidels.

871-880: Plant care[edit]

  • 871 – Time travelers arrive, planting fake artifacts for wackadola geologist Scott Wolters to find. He still manages to misdate the items by 300 years.
  • 872 – King Æthelmertz decrees that all victims of Viking attacks should crawl on the right side of roads leading away from their burning town or village. This was roundly ignored, leading to today’s UK traffic rules.
  • 874Mount Etna, returning from a McDonald’s drive through, gets home and finds her order completely bollixed up. Mount Etna explodes.
  • 876 – Death of Louis the German. He was called Louis and he was a German.
  • 877 – Death of Charles the Bald of France. Sensitive about his lack of thatch, Charles tries to make every man to go 'skinhead'. Charles dies from a severe head cold.
  • 878Alfred the Great defeats the Danes, keeping crispy, dry pastry out of London for the next 500 years.

881-890: Pasta is prologue[edit]

Charles the Fat reunites the Carolingian Empire looking like this
  • 881 – The Flying Spaghetti Monster is seen over Padua and the Miracle of Linguine With Clams would occur. Intelligent design advocates take full credit for the dish. However, food poisoning strikes many due to bad clams. Intelligent design fans then blame the Jews.
  • 881 – Emperor Charles the Fat reunites the Carolingian Empire under his personal rule. He promises to lose weight to become Charles the Fit.
  • 882 – Mayan city-states Tikal and Calakmul battle for the umpteenth time. The resultant noise and failure to clean up after themselves causes thousands of Mayans to move away into the Yucatan jungles.
  • 886 – Byzantine ruler Leo VI takes an additional surname as 'Leo the Wise' after he passes an exam in alchemy.
  • 888 – The Carolingian Empire falls. Emperor Charles the Fat had failed to slim down. Historians would later ask 'If there was no one to hear it, would it make a sound?'.
  • 889 – The city of Forli becomes a city-state so it can pick fights with other cities. Other cities eagerly follow suit.

891-900: Bjorn to be wild[edit]

  • 891 – In retrospect, it is conceded that making false teeth for crocodiles is a bad idea.
  • 896 – Harald Fairhair unites Norway; defeated herring move to the North Sea.
  • 897 – Pope Stephen VI digs up dead Pope Formosus and puts him on trial for corruption. Formosus's body found guilty (and he was whiffing a lot by now) and thrown into the Tiber. Another case lost by Formosus's legal counsel Rudy Giuliani.
  • 898 – Chess is introduced to Japan, a country that today lives for ABBA.
  • 899Alfred the Great dies. He never gets the hang of making fortune cookies.