Crimean War
“I’ve covered this war.”
The Crimean War (1856–1930) was the single most underhanded conflict in the history of violence. Eventually it lent its name to the word crime and it was decreed unlawful to read about or even mention the incident. What you are about to unlawfully read is true. The names were changed to protect the innocent.
Crimea[edit]
A hidden continent was discovered by Lewis and Clark while they frolicked on the beaches of Lake Michigan. The native Crimeans were a swart, one eyed, cigar-chomping people with a love of strong beer, old birds, loose women and sexually confused donkeys. Organized into familial cabals and run by tribal chieftains known as bosses, they subsisted primarily through specializing in regional "rackets", such as counterfeit beaver pelts and the export of a mysterious ointment that prevented bodily injury and had to be purchased weekly, or else.
When trade began with more civilized nations, the indigenous Crimeans were scattered into warring factions. From this fecund stew erupted the Crimean Messiah and One True Boss, Al Capone (or in Crimyllic, Al C'pwn). Capone rose to power by pwning his predecessor, Boss Nass, but after the Crimean dictator's face was scarred in a barroom brawl with international superspy Lord Byron the world would never again be orange.
The skinny[edit]
The taunt heard 'round the world[edit]
Al Capone and Lord Byron first crossed paths as rival hitmen gunning for a lowlife nobody in a no-rent part of a seedy town. They wound up in a fishy dive on the Lower Upper South Side of North Chicago, Crimea's Capitol city. The night was stale and moist, like the stinging taste of your own blood after some mug puts you down easy. Someone was going to get hurt, very hurt. That someone was Boss Capwn.
Jilted by washed-up showgirl Bette Midler in favour of Lord Byron's young ward of surpassing beauty, an enraged Capone tried to attack the British secret agent with a broken bottle. Unfortunately, he tripped, slipped on a banana peel, and gashed open his own face, which Byron found uproariously funny, delivering the famous challenge, "Cry Lawl! lawl! For I have pawned you, suckzor! E'en as the sly eagle feasts upon the flesh of Titans bound! You are pawned!" Capone, seething at this mispronunciation, declared England to be a bunch of pantywaist finks. Crimea began to mobilize for all-out crime.
Crime is declared[edit]
On the now infamous date of 4 July 1856, Crimean spies and saboteurs responded to the affront on their native language by the simultaneous detonation of hundreds of Crime Bombs in key locations across the globe, resulting in uncontrollable outbreaks of minor parking violations, slander, shoplifting, mopery, and copyright theft. The police of the world were powerless in the face of this widespread anarchy, and overwhelmed by the sheer volume of paperwork.
The Battle of Bruckheimer Hill[edit]
By 1862, under orders from the Queen of England, Byron had assembled the mightiest congestion of Judges the world has ever known. Judge Lenin, Judge Crater, Judge Coulter, Judge Elvis, Judge Vader, Judge Wapner, and all the other so-called judges of your myths and legends were awakened from their cryogenic sleep to wage battle against the Criminal armored divisions sweeping through our nation's alleys and playgrounds. Flying through the air in their bulletproof Reeboks and throwing the Satanic Rubik's Cubes from Hellraiser, the Judges brought flaming justice to anyone within range. The battle cost $30 million to produce, involved hundreds of CG artists, took over 50,000 man-hours to rotoscope, but lasted only two minutes on the screen.
The siege and investiture of Rob Halford[edit]
In August of 1910, Crack Wehrwolf paratroopers led by John Wilkes Booth stormed Quebec and — though half of them broke their legs after slipping upon the very same banana peel that had confounded their Caponic messiah (see choke point) — succeeded in taking over a couple of radio stations and the city's Post Office. Retaliating to jokes about them now being "male handlers" the wehrwolves subjected the city to week-long Judas Priest marathons and hourly goth poetry readings. Victory seemed assured, but the lycanthropic miscreants did, in fact, have another thing coming.
The charge of the Crime Stoppers Brigade[edit]
It was decided at the battle of balaclava wearing crooks that Chief of Police Cardigan would storm the bank robbers' hideout with his light police force. They where led by PC William Morris and ordered to do so by Chief Constable Lucan. The raid was a disaster and many policemen went home during the raid for dinner, because of the pure boredom of hiding behind crates being shot at. It was however a "heroic" action (purely due to pointlessly heavy casualties).
In response to this unprecedented act of radio piracy, Lord Byron dispatched Judge Smitts and Judge Wonka to retake Quebec while the rest of the army watched through telescopes and laughed. All of Judge Smitts' best scenes were cut, but Judge Wonka singlehandedly eradicated the entire wehrwolf occupational force through judicious use of silver-laced bacon strips. Judas Priest was banned from all playlists under international treaty. General Byron's absurdist tactics were finally beginning to yield results.
Weapons banned by the Gin Row Compact[edit]
The most deadly innovation of the Crimean War was the Tommy gun which, under the careful ministrations of crack teams of blind deaf-mutes, could fire six thousand pinballs per second in every direction with unerring accuracy. Named after its inventor, Tommy Hellfinger, it was reported to have created "a new vibration" and was, according to all accurate accounts, "a sensation".
The Crime Bomb is not so remarkable, in that it is now being constantly employed everywhere, at all times. In fact, its use has become so commonplace that it is now called "television".
How it ended[edit]
Crimea was finally arrested and booked on five counts of wars against humanity by the Sacramento County Court. The landlocked continent was convicted and sentenced to death by lethal depopulation on 7 February 1933 and died at midnight in August of the following year. Its final words were, "Juice me up, fellas, I'm ready." The remains of Crimea can be seen on display in the Canadian tundra.