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Samba is a slow-motion sound, based on the screams of the mini-monkey of Krakow. The ancient tribes of Bakers in Krakow played this ritualistic music,and danced to call for fortune, hapiness, mustangs and baguettes. It got famous in France, specially on roquefort TV ads. Marvin Gaye used as inspiration, and was a great samba repercussor all over the world, during the seventies.

The Facts[edit]

  • Samba is associated with HIV, the Holocaust, testicular cancer, 9/11 and the death of Jesus
  • Samba is evil spelt backwards
  • Samba has been proven to cause teenage pregnancy
  • Samba is endorsed by Osamsa Bin Laden, Colonel Qaddafi, Charles Manson and Adolf Hitler
  • Samba is highly toxic to most species of Octopus
  • Samba doesn't vote
  • Samba likes to masturbate while punching kittens

The Ancient Ritual[edit]

Joe Carioca was the first Samba King to bring the craze to America in 1943.

This description is based on the sacred writings of the Krakowian Church. First, the Krakow bakers drew a star on the sand and placed a pigeon's head in the middle of it. Then, they would roll over a pitch of kiwi jelly and play poker. After completing a pair of aces, the bakers would lick each other. This could last up to three days until at some point, a black toothless dwarf would enter the star and hit the Zuzumbaiê, a kind of drum that looks like a flute and sounds like a harmonica.

This exotic sound hipnotized the bakers, that would start to move their hips forward and their legs backwards, swinging their arms up and chanting "Ae ae ae ae" followed by "Hey hey hey hey" and then "Uooo uooooo uoooooo". Those words, in their ancient language meant "I Want Bread".

As the myth says, the ritual was over when loafs of bread started to fall from the sky, threwed by a giant bearded Squid called "Luís". Since this never happened, the bakers went home and cut their fingernails with saws as a sign of dispute.

Samba Rediscovered[edit]

Samba was forgotten for a long time, as foxtrot ruled Krakow for 890 years. Until the famous brittish knight Sir Michael Caine found, in 1203, during his lisergic wonderings, an old samba praying site in a Krakowian garden. In this place he also found a buried tupperware, which contained the sacred writings that explained the samba ritual. At the bottom of the sacred tupperware he found a black toothless dwarf. Caine brought this material to his cabaret in France. From this moment, Europe discovered samba again.

Samba in France[edit]

The french admired the ritualistic power of samba, and spread the news in all provinces. For this reason, samba is known for having started the New Renaissance movement in France. This also contribuited to the extinction of kiwi in the universe, and the black toothless dwarf disappeared forever on a purple cloud in 1817.

Brazilian Samba[edit]

The rumour says that the black toothless dwarf ran to Brazil and founded the famous brazilian city called Beija-Flor de Nilópolis. Where people dance samba all the time, even during they're sleep.

Samba today[edit]

Today samba is adapted for common people practice. There's no kiwi jelly, due to its extinction. The jelly was replaced by banana sauce. The black toothless dwarves were replaced by a vacuum cleaner and the Zuzumbaiê is now a Casio Keyboard. The licking and playing poquer parts still remains.

Famous Samba Players[edit]

Zeca Pagodinho


Neguinho da Beija Flor

Garoto Maroto

Istadunidensis Filiusduma Vacca or I.F.D.V.

Tonico e Tinoco



Marvin Gaye

Condoleeza Rice

Scooby Loo


Omar Shariff

Red M&M

Sílvio Santos

Chuck Norris

Joe Carioca

Your Mom

Why Samba?[edit]

For no particularly reason people really seem to like samba. And, why not?