The Lost Room

The Lost Room was a television mini-series compiled of 582 three-hour episodes, which aired on Liftetime in December, 2006. The series chronicled the events of a cop named Joe Miller (portrayed by Michael J. Fox) and his nine-year-old child Anna Herbert (played by Jennifer Love Hewitt). The cop accidentally stumbles into more than he bargained for when he finds a motel key that takes him to another dimension--a dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind. It was dubbed "The Lost Room" by paranormal investigators.

Contrary to popular belief, The Lost Room was actually based on real-life events that followed shortly after World War II; the events started in 1969 and led on until February, 2002. Joe Miller was a real person, as was his child Anna. The series was quite controversial in nature and almost never aired. But, thanks to the folks at Lifetime for wanting to portray the dangers of alternate dimensions, the series was eventually broadcast nationwide with critical success.

The History

The actual Lost Room that exists outside of space and time was created on March 5, 1964 at exactly 3:04 and twenty-eight seconds, fourteen nono-seconds, EST at a motel just outside of Bangcock, New Mexico. This point in time was called "The Blip." No one's quite sure what happened at that time, but experts agree it must have been a side-effect of when Marc DeCarlo, William Shatner, and Sean Connery all occupied the same casino in Las Vegas at the same time. Since, according to the Theoretical Laws of Physics, that much awesomeness can barely be contained in the same universe, to get that amount into confined quarters could be potentially disastrous; and according to Casino records, Marc, Sean, and Bill all earned large sums of money that day--as a side-effect, The Lost Room came into being. However, others say that physics just broke down, and others say God died. In either case, it doesn't matter why the room was created, but what happened afterward.

After The Blip, motel room 5 ceased to exist at The Vatican Motel, which as stated previously is just outside Bangcock, New Mexico. It was literally removed from history as well as from the motel--as far as anyone was concerned, Motel Room 5 never existed, and instead the owners had just forgotten about the number 5 altogether. So the motel room disappeared, and so did everything inside it. Later on, the owners found a brick of cheese, which had nothing to do with the continuity of the story. Later on, after that, they found the key to the non-existant room 5. When they put it in a door, it opened a room that should never have been there. It opened room 5.

Inside were all the objects that had disappeared with the the room, and so they took some of the things out . . . only to realize that outside of the room they were unbreakable and they had amazing powers. The owners took all the objects out and tried them all, realizing they had something great in their possession.

The Story

Joe Miller was an average rent-a-cop with a nineteen-year-old child, but when he met a man named Faldo Rithel, everything came crashing down. It turns out, Faldo was the reincarnated memories of Eva Braun and had in her possession "The Key" which could be used to open any door, with the exception of car doors, sliding doors, keycard doors, and doors with locks on them, to "a closet in a leather den". When exiting the "Leather Den", you could choose to appear anywhere in the world except New York City, Wallawalla, Washington, or Canada.

Joe Miller was playing hopscotch with Anna when an eerie noise in the hallway completely ruined the fun. Miller went to investigate the noise, and witness a bloody-and-dying Faldo come out of his closet. Faldo held up The Key and shoved it into Miller's mouth while muttering, "You're a jack*ss, Miller, but I've messed with the snakes and now here come the horns." After a moment or two, Faldo regained his composure to get out the phrase, "It opens every door," a few times before dying.

After a thorough investigation of the house, Miller tried out the key on his closet and miraculously it opened to a strange, and well-lit room. Miller went in, shut the door, then opened it on a gang shoot-out in downtown Manhattan.

Eventually, Miller's child found out about the key and went inside. Miller thought it was her room and sent her to it as punishment. Sadly, he took the key and slammed the door in a fit of rage, only to realize what had happened. When he opened the door, Anna was gone.

So Miller embarked on a journey to try and find a way to get his daughter back. It was an extremely intricate tale, with many different characters and even more Objects (the things in the motel room with special powers), but nobody really cares and so, to get to the point, Miller got his daughter back. We think.

The Groups

• The ICR (The Insane Christian Retros): The ICR are the people who think that if you get all the Objects in The Lost Room together, they'll be able to talk to God directly. Sadly, that's exactly what prayer is and haven't yet learned this mistake.
• The Good Guys: The ones who are doing good with the Objects.
• The Bad Guys: The ones who aren't.

The Objects

There are over a hundred different Objects--here's a list of them.

• The Key - Opens the original motel room; resets without the key and the door closes; takes you to any child in the world as long as there's a lock
• Bus Ticket- Takes you to Bangcock, New Mexico... By bus, of course.
• Paperweight - It just sits there. Awesome, ain't it?
• Wristwatch - It hard boils eggs. Seriously, it does.
• Purell - Gets rid of 99.9% of vile germs. No wait, this ain't an object. Never mind.
• Deck of Cards - Makes you lose you memory. Wha? What am I doing here? Who are you crazy people? Why are you... Oh, morphine makes me feel tingly inside...
• Soap - Makes people clean
• Phone Book - When dropped, its weight increases a hundred-fold
• Lamp - Lights up with the brilliance of the sun (only works when plugged in); causes blindness, incineration, dehydration, and sunburn.
• Coat - makes you look exactly like Danny DeVito (rarely used)
• Quarter - Brings Hitler back to life when consumed
• Comb - Stops time shortly when swept through the hair (one of Fonzie's favorite Objects)
• Bedsheet - Turns into ash when thrown on a person
• Pillow - Puts anyone to sleep when put against the head (currently used as a cure for insomnia)
• Radio - Increases your height by 3 inches when tuned to the right station
• Coat hanger - Enables you to fly as well as any peacock
• Glasses - Makes you able to read all otherwise illegible handwriting.
• Pencil - Finishes your homework with incorrect answers
• Pen - Shoots ink up to ten meters
• Shoes of running really fast - Make you run really fast. Duh.
• Umbrella - Makes you bald
• Paper bag - Makes ugly women look hot when put over their heads
• Wallet - Automatically brings lists to a premature close

Awards

The Lost Room has been award for The Greatest Show Ever at the Emmy Awards Ceremony.

See also

• cop
• key
• Michael J. Fox
• soap
• time travel