Un-religion

This guy waited outside my front door for nearly three days. In the end, I had to burn the house down just to get rid of him.

An un-religion is a religion that isn't officially a religion but thinks it is a religion because it is a religion... An un-religion to be exact.

There are many un-religions in the world. Most of these have never been heard of before, because most people prefer religions to un-religions. Nobody knows why this is so. It's probably because religions are more popular than their un- counterpart, for reasons such as the Gods they worship, sexualities accepted in the religion, and pH levels.

Anyway, enough of my babbling. Below are some un-religions, just for you. I'm sure I've missed an un-religion or seven off, and new un-religions are being pulled out of the ground and stewed all the time, so feel free to add to the list.

A

Anti-Ocean's 11

This is an unreligion which hates Ocean's 11 (particularly the new version). Followers get together and talk about how poor the movie is, criticism ranges from poor script, to plot holes, to under developed characters, to lack of nudity. The unreligion has no problem with Ocean's 12 however, deeming it to be "an enjoyable film".

B

Un-Bábism

This religion didn't go on very long. In fact, it lasted four minutes before people got bored of it and the founder realised he couldn't be arsed making the website. It originated in Persia, where persian cats didn't originate. This is one of the least known un-religions because of the amount of time it lasted.

C

Christispamity

Christispamity is the un-religion with the most followers, 100 at the moment. When it first formed, it had 1000 followers. A year later, it had 400, then 265.4, and now 100. It is still rising. Followers of christispamity don't worship any gods. They worship spam, which is an animal similar to cow, chicken, and beef.

D

Divism

Divism was formed by a few guys in a chippy when the ketchup had run out. Nobody with an IQ higher than 5 is aloud to be a divist, which means that most followers are chavs. It is essential that you wear a burberry cap if you are a divist.

Davidism

Davidism was formed in 1989. In Davidism people worship Larry David (creator of Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm). Davidists celebrate Larry David on 24 March, known as 'The Feast of Dry Wit'. On this day Davidists gather together and watch 'The Contest' episode of Seinfeld.

F

Fishism

Fishism is one of the oldest un-religions in the history of the world. It came into being when fish were invented by microsoft and was mentioned numerous times in the bible. Jesus is an anti-fishist. One of his most famous quotes of anti-fishism was: Fishists? Bunch of wankers.

H

Humpty Dumptism

An Unreligion that is based on the teachings of the wise sage humpty dumpty. Humpty Dumpty, before his death, was a wise sage who tought the sacred way of the egg. The sacred way of the egg was made by egg himself. It is said that humpty dumpty was sent by egg from eggy heaven to teach the way of the egg.

J

Jediism

Jediism (not to be confused with Judaism) is an unreligion based on teachings in Star Wars. There are many different practices of the self-proclaimed 'Jedi', ranging from burning effigies of Jar-Jar Binks, to battling with pretend lightsabers, to naming all of their male children Yoda(girls are usually named Obi-wan-kenobi). Many witty individuals write Jedi as their religion on census forms, therefore it is hard to estimate how many actual followers exist.

P

Patriotism

Patriotism is most widespread in America. Patriots love their country, and many have been arrested for attempting to fornicate with it. The founder of the un-religion is George Washington, who originally set it up as an American football team. Since then, the un-religion has come under the power of Bill Gates.

S

Scientology

A cult who take peoples money. Scientology is oft' criticised for it's treatment and exploitation of people. In an interview defending Scientology Tom Cruise said: "At least it isn't as bad as Christianity. We don't soddomise children, oppress women or homosexuals. And we're not as bad as those greedy big-nosed Jews. And we don't kill people like those fucking towel-heads!" Cruise later admitted that these remarks were made in the heat of the moment and that "Despite their big noses and greed Jews can be funny."