SPAMentology
SPAMentology, or The Holy Church of The One And True God, Phil, Creator of Heaven and SPAM,
Of All Things Salted and Unsalted, Eternal Ruler of the Cosmic Can-O-SPAM, is a religion. In case you just didn't assume that from the name, dumb ass. It is centered around the only true god, Phil, Creator of the Cosmic Can, one true inventor of SPAM and all things canned, and of course SPAM.
Phil[edit]
SPAMentologists take name after their lord, god, deity, grand führer, master, king and all other synonyms of the word, Phil. Phil is the creator of the Cosmic Can and all that lives in it. Phil is known as the "Can Opener of Canned Souls" or "The Salt Shaker That Salts The SPAM of The Universe". It is still disputed among followers as to what Phil looks like. Some of the more accepted views are that he is a giant Can Opener, a giant can of SPAM, a robed figure holding a salt shaker, and, by a few select SPAMentologists, Abraham Lincoln's nose.
The Cosmic Bowl[edit]
SPAMentologists believe that His Greatness Phil created the Cosmic Can. Pagans know this as the "Universe". The Cosmic Can is, well, a giant can of SPAM. The legend is that the can was so tightly vacuum packed, when His Holiness Phil (who, at the time, was just Phil Spamstein, your average jew) thrust the top open with a can opener, a huge explosion...exploded. This is known by Atheists, Scientists, and Oprah, girlfriend, as the Big Bang. The radioactivity from this explosion gave him godly powers, kinda like if Jesus was in The Fantastic Four and was on crack (we mentioned Phil was a jew, right? Well so was Jesus and so were all the characters in the Fantastic Four [Why do you think they were all so intrigued by the Silver Surfer?]).
Prophets[edit]
SPAMentologists do not believe in false prophets such as Jesus, The Flying Spaghetti Monster, Vernon, Barbara Walters and her minions at the View including Jabba the Rosie, Bubba-Buddha, Tom Cruise, and Oprah. Instead the speakers of The Mighty Phil are William, Timothy, Jacob, Larry and The Human Nose-clipper.
William[edit]
William was the first prophet of O Holy Phil to preach the word. He was a heavy smoker, some say born with a cigarette in his mouth. Others say he wasn't born but created and brought to this planet by aliens who dropped him off in Fife, Alabama. There he was chased by Fundamentalist Christians demanding thumbs. He tried to run but they had more energy, he tried to hide but they heard his weezing. It has been said, to much debate, that The Almighty Phil came down from Heaven and gave him the power of four rednecks. And man, did he kick their asses. William then realized the power of His Holiness, Phil. Phil thanked William for his graciousness, and presented him with a gift for kicking the shit out of those hicks - a Holy Microphone. William was to speak into it and preach the words of His Amazingness, Phil. Through this firm, black tool, this Holy Stick, this hard, elongated rod which he placed his mouth on frequently, William became the first prophet.
Timothy[edit]
Timothy is famous for being the first prophet to preach about "The Disposal". This is when His Holiness, Phil will get so fed up with the way things are going in the Cosmic Can that he will dump it all into his Holy Garbage Disposal in his Holy Sink in his Holy Kitchen and...fuck it, even the Pope doesn't have this many "Holy's". Anyway, he's supposed to "drop a whole new batch of kids of at the pool". Timothy spent much of his time in airports wearing sandwich boards that read "The Disposal is near" and "The can will be emptied, Are you ready?" This encourage several people worried about the Disposal to join the cause and brought the ranks of SPAMentologists up to 37. Timothy was very influential in bringing SPAMentology to the mainstream eye. He wrote four books, each of which was discontinued after three months on the shelves.
Timothy was killed in a tragic boating accident. He got on the wrong boat, by accident. When the driver saw this strange man in his boat he immediately died of a heart attack. This caused the boat to run into an oil tanker and kill thousands of innocent seals.
Jacob[edit]
The prophet Jacob really didn't have much to say. Nobody really knows how he became a Prophet of The Wonderful And Oh So Inviting, Phil. In case you don't believe me here is an excerpt from the "Jacob's book of Quantum Physics for Retarded Sloths",which he refused to call the "Book of Jacob":
- "through the most bourgeois subways laughed however five angst-ridden fountains abused Quark. Minnesota towed one bureau, yet five Jabberwockies tastes one cat. Batman ran away, then the fountains tastes one mat. The red dolphin soared to pluto, stripped of worldy fears and the demonic influences of cheese, at the seventh intersection Timmy was eaten by a catterpillar. Mrs. Jhonson cried for 4 days, laughed for 6, and had a moment in which she felt like laughing, crying, screaming, and running inside of a turqoise cadillac for 3. At the spring solstice the canadians danced for the leaf gods to bring them nine turtles carrying rib-eye steaks upon their backs. At Mt. Rushmore the epic battle of the silver potatoes and the piles of keyboards was held. Sally's mother made her live on the roof for 46 years after hearing that she stole remotes from the neighbors. Christmas lights are of grave importance in stopping Armageddon."
As you can see he didn't really say anything of much importance. He has written entire verses in Binary and Turkish. One of his most famous writings is "A Discussion of the Jungian Theory of Evolution with a Clown" In which he chronicles "that one crazy night" with a Gnomish Mushroom Magician, the Magician told him the answer to the ultimate question of existence, Jacob promised to tell the answer in his next night's blog post but he was found a week later in his bathroom, dead. It appeared that he had beaten his head against the toilet so many times that he was unrecognizable and they had to clean the blood off of the ceiling. The feds never looked much into it.
The Ten Thou-Shall-Be-Screwed-If-You-Dont's[edit]
1. Thou shall be screwed if you don't keep thy SPAM holy on thy Black Sabbath, thy day of rest, which is every day.
2. Thou shall be screwed if you don't love thy neighbor, unless he is a total ass wipe. The Asian family across thy street doesn't count.
3. Thou shall be screwed if you covet thy neighbor's wife, even if she is a smokin' hot sex machine. Blow jobs don't count either, but don't mix this exception up with the one about the Asian family.
4. Thou shall be screwed if you don't spank thy monkey every week, for it is holy for the Great White Liquid to eternally flow out of Thy Holy Member. This is a direct quote from the Bible.
5. Thou shall be screwed if you don't crap everyday, for health and spiritual reasons, of course. In the words of the great John Madden, "You gotta take a doody everyday or else if you don't, you can't poop everyday, and you can't poop everyday if you don't do it everyday. But if you do, then you take a dump everyday which means BOOM- everyday you take a shit!"
6. Thou shall be screwed to the wall if you don't keep His Holiness, Phil's name sacred. But this isn't really hard...it's not like you're going to say "Phildammit!" Crap, I said it. It's like saying MacBeth. I said it didn't I.
7. Thou shall be screwed if you don't honor thy parents. Just kidding, rip them to Phildamn shreds. I gotta get out of this habit.
8. Thou shall be screwed if you don't be honest about stuff. I mean, if you fart in an elevator, it's not the end of the world. Hey, at least you got your health. Well that depends on the fart. You see, farts are actually a very accurate sign of your condition of health. If its loud and obnoxious, you're pretty healthy. But if its an SBD and smells like a dying rabbit taking a bath in a tub full of faeces while having sex with Howard Hughes, you better get yourself checked out. Or even worse, no farts at all. I guess all the gas goes to head. Hmm...I wonder if Bill O'Reilly has that condition....