Splenda
“Wait it's not sugar?”
“THIS IS SPLENDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!”
“I cant believe its not splenda”
In Greek mythology, Splenda is the Goddess of your mom's vagina and artificial sweeteners. The preferred consort of Zeus, Splenda was also bestowed the ability to turn any mortal who dared to lust after her into a powdery white substance that was sweet like sugar, but not found to cause cancer in Spartans who were under philosophical observation.
Splenda was rumored to have burst forth from the loins of Transvesta, the half-man in a toga / half-man in a dress, that is best remembered in lyric song as the God who lavished his praise all over the all-male chorus’ that were a staple of Greek theatre.
Unlike Zeus who lived on Mount Olympus, Splenda resided in her own two-bedroom oracle overlooking the Aegean Sea, and was attended to by clabber of terribly thin Vestal Waifs.
Splenda’s chief rival for the affections of Zeus was Diana; the competition between the two could only be described as fierce. Diana eschewed Splenda’s gifts of food thinking that the gifts were laced with poison. To get around this, Splenda would often take the form of cat, who would nudge the food gifts slowly and methodically. The food was pure, and loaded with simple sugars and carbohydrates, which caused Diana undue weight gain and blotchy skin.
In retaliation, Diana would send Diabeticus (the slower and dimwitted brother of Mercury) to divert Splenda’s attentions and keep her busy while Diana plied her trade with Zeus.
Annoyed by the infighting - because there really was enough Zeus to go around for everyone - the mighty overlord of Mythology banished Diana to the Supremes and damned all offspring of Splenda by turning them into laboratory rats until the end of mankind.