Darth Bane

Darth Bane, Dark Lord of the Sith.

Darth Bane is a character from the Expanded Waistband Universe of the Star Wars novels. He was a Sith Lord, porn star, member of the British National Front, and the founder of the “two Sith enter, one Sith leaves” axiom. Simply put, there can be only one Sith master and one Sith ‘bator. The master tortures and indoctrinates the ‘bator until the ‘bator can concoct a suitably humiliating way to kill his/her master. The former ‘bator becomes master, picks a new ‘bator to beat and slap vigorously, and spends the rest of his/her life constantly looking over his/her shoulder to make sure the ‘bator doesn’t kill him/her off too soon. A a corollary to this edict came to be known as the Rule of Poo which he added after Darth Zannah ate some of Bane's fine English cooking. It states that only the two Sith Lords are allowed at the loo at a time: One to occupy the throne, and one to bang desperately on bathroom door.

The Halcyon Days of an Abusive Childhood

Darth Bane (nee Dessel) was born in Edinburgh, Scotland during its traditional annual football riot. His mother died during delivery while being trampled by a mob of drunken hooligans led by Dessel’s father, Hurst. Hurst discovered his newborn son gnawing on his boot in the riot’s aftermath. Hurst brought Dessel home and was preparing to eat him for supper when Civil Service Shock Troopers – tipped off by a vindictive neighbor – broke down the door to Hurst’s council flat and put the boot to him. Failing to find a foster family willing to take on the homely, brick-faced babe, Dessel was returned to his father’s custody. Fearful of being cut off from the national dole, Hurst took to the arduous task of rearing Dessel, and kicking him in the rear anytime Civil Services, and his neighbor, were preoccupied.

Revenge of the Shite

During eighteen long years of being reared, kicked, punched, gnawed on and hollered at by his dad, Dessel grew aware of an innate paranormal ability. Fuelled by rage born of his father’s abuse and drifting from one shitty job to the next, Dessel grew more and more capable of tapping into the Dark Side of the Force. Instead of using this power for naff stunts like levitating rocks, Dessel used his nascent precognitive and telekinetic powers for tasks that reaped more immediate rewards, such as cheating at poker and lifting girls’ skirts from a distance of 15 meters away. While Dessel’s father was quite content to pocket his son’s winnings and get a peek at some nubile young girl’s bits and bobs, he continued to beat and berate his son because:

“ If thir wis one thing me dad couldnae stand, it wis – in his ain words – a facking show-off. ”

- From the Holocron of Darth Bane

Tiring of being called “a revolting shite” and “the bane of me ain existence” by his father, Dessel formulated a way of doing the rights to his sire without drawing suspicion. While Hurst was boning his next door neighbor’s daughter, Dessel used the Dark Side of the Force to give his father a painful, throbbing 14 hour erection that culminated in a terminal case of “blue balls.” Hurst spent the final hours of his life stabbing away at his own member with an ice-pick in a misguided attempt at relieving the blood pressure. The coroner deemed Hurst’s death a suicide.

Beam Me Up, Spotty

Darth Bane

Celebrating his eighteenth birthday – and his father’s demise – by firebombing a newly opened curry house, Dessel was suddenly distracted from his revelries by the arrival of the flagship of a Vogon Constructor Fleet hovering over Edinburgh. The Vogons had received orders to demolish Edinburgh (along with the rest of the Earth) to make way for a hyperspace bypass. Dessel’s reign of terror would have been ended before it started had it not been for the intervention of one Zaphod Beeblebrox. Zaphod, trying to teleport his girlfriend off the surface of the doomed world, mistakenly “beamed” Dessel aboard Zaphod’s stolen experimental vessel, the Heart of Gold. Mere seconds later, Earth was vaporized.

Dessel expressed his gratitude towards his accidental savior by butting both of Zaphod’s heads and strangling the hapless extraterrestrial with Dessel’s own veiny and monstrously long penis. Dessel activated the Heart of Gold’s Infinite Improbability Drive by berating and hollering at Eddie – the Heart’s shipboard computer. Eager to get rid of its unwelcome passenger, the Heart of Gold leapt an infinitely improbable distance to a Galaxy Far, Far Away…

Fear, Anger and Hatred Are Way Cool!

Arriving in the GFFA, Eddie the shipboard computer despaired of ever getting Dessel to stop terrorizing and belittling him and to voluntarily disembark. The computer eventually committed suicide by plowing the Heart of Gold headlong into the planet Korriban, the secret headquarters of the Sith. Emerging from the wreckage unharmed but for a throbbing hangover, Dessel stumbled over to the sacred Sith Temple located in Newark, the oldest city on Korriban. Crashing into the temple’s adjoining kitchen and beating half the staff to death, Dessel demanded that the surviving staff supply him with “a valium, an ice pack, and a few mair of them wee burds tae shag like the ones I dun just the yesterday in thay pub!”

The lords of the Sith (who once numbered many) were greatly impressed with the power of the Dark Side emanating from the irate odd-jobber they discovered screaming and raving in their kitchen. One of their numbers, Lord Ketamine, summoned up the bottle to approach Dessel and seduce him completely to the Dark Side. Ketamine accomplished this by letting Dessel look at, but NOT to touch, his lightsaber.

“ “What kin ah dae wi’ this?” asked the feral man.

“With this elegant weapon, you can skewer three score Jedi between the ticks of a heart beat,” I replied obligingly.

“Bollocks! Ah kin skewer as many burds as ah like wi’ me ain knob,” the feral man bellowed.

“Yes, yes, yes, but with THIS you can skewer as many bur… JEDI as you want and not have to go to the clinic the next day!”

The feral man looked at me questioningly. “Ye tryin’ tae pull me shaft?”

“Well, I… that is to say…” I struggled to compose myself as I could not take my eyes off his throbbing alien member. I wondered what it would be like to insert it in my… “LOOK, the Force is strong in you, which means we can teach you to kill lots and lots and LOTS of people just by giving them a dirty look! Do you want in or not?”

After scratching his genitals for ten ticks of a heartbeat, he replied, “Aye, I’ll join yir crew.”

“Good,” I sighed, “Gooooooooood… I can feel your anger SWELLING inside…”

“Mind where ye place yir paw, or I’ll kick yir fackin’ teeth oot.”

”

- From the recovered memoirs of Lord Ketamine

Life at Hogwarts

Before Dessel began his training, he had to choose a name. Ketamine advised him to take a word from his past that branded him as a bad, bad, boy and turning that nasty word into a name that would mark him as a stone cold bad ass. Dessel thought back to his days of being beaten by his da and how old bastard called him “a revolting SHITE” and “the BANE of me ain existence.”

Figuring Lord SHITE would make him a laughingstock, he named himself Lord BANE. (The Darth part would come a little later.)

Lord Bane learned the history of the Sith and the Jedi. How the Jedi stood for truth and justice, but basically used that as an excuse to decapitate, dismember and impale people they judged to be “evil,” mainly people with black cloaks and red glow-in-the-dark blades. The Sith stood for plundering, murdering, unprotected premarital sex and cheating on standardized tests… plus, they liked to kill Jedi.

“ At first ah wis fair certain ah chose the right gang to run with, as the Jedi sounded like a bunch of tight arsed Dame Judis wi’ all that chin wagging aboot truth and justice and helping minorities an’ aul that shite… They full pissed me off an’ I hadnae even met them yit. ”

- Darth Bane’s Holocron

Bane grew strong in the Dark Side and he liked to use his rapidly growing powers to give his fellow students atomic wedgies from up to 50 meters away. But instead of being rewarded for his brutality and treachery, he was repeatedly reprimanded for his Malthusian methods by the nominal head of the Sith Academy, Lord Androgynous. Androgynous informed Bane that the new Sith did not take after the ruthless, murdering, ass-kicking Sith of old. The new breed of Sith were known as the Brotherhood of Emo. Rather than the trial by ordeal Bane kept challenging his classmates to, the “Emo Sith” were more into drum circles, writing poetry, being open with their more tender emotions, wearing black lipstick and painting their fingernails black, and oh yeah, on occasion they would bomb the Jedi madrassas with toilet paper streamers and spray-paint pentagrams on Jedi statuary.

“ This insane what I signed up fir, no tae pass around talking sticks and git in touch wi’ my shadow self! These fuckers twirl thir lightsabers like a bunch of poncy majorettes and say they do it tae “vent” oor some such shite! Worse still, these shirt-lifters worship Joy Division an’ call Ian Curtis their patron saint! Before ah kin even think of taking oan those Dame Jedi twats, Ah’ve goat tae gie these Emo minges thay ol’ ‘Spanish Archer.’ But as strong as Ah am in thay Dark Side, these cunts could overwhelm me in sheer numbers in a square go. Ah’ve goat tae play this Mister Sneaky Fucker. ”

- Darth Bane’s Holocron

During his clandestine studies in the ancient pre-Emo Sith library, Bane somehow got it into his head that Revan was a great Sith Lord. He also learned of the much coveted title of “Darth,” which was ancient Sith-ese for “The Biggest, Baddest Mother Fucker in the Whole Mother Fucking Galaxy.” One day, during a Bauhaus music appreciation class, Bane interrupted and demanded to know why none of the Emo Sith Lords had the testicular fortitude to claim the title of “Darth.”

“It is because the burden is too great for an individual to bear,” claimed Androgynous.

“Only the Divine Ian Curtis, when he returns from the Restaurant at the End of the Universe, will be worthy of pure Darth-itude,” said one of Androgynous’s students.

“Ah think it’s cos yir all a shower ay cunts,” replied Bane.

Before anyone had a chance to say “nuh-uh!” back at Bane, word had come from the battlefront: The Emo Sith had infiltrated the planet Ruusan, a popular Jedi hang-out. There the Jedi’s Grand Army of Sun-shiny Goodness was present, exposed and they would receive a TP-ing the likes of which had never occurred before in Galactic History!

Bane realized he could use this opportunity to rid the GFFA of two great warring factions of self-important twats: The Jedi and the Emo Poseurs who claimed they were Sith.

Darth Bane’s Big Score!

The Brotherhood of Emo Academy arrived at Ruusan and came under the command of Lord “KHAAAAAAAAN," the ass-clown who came up with the dumb idea “all bad guys are created equal.”

As KHAAAAAAAAN prepared his Emo hordes for the ruthless TP-ing, Bane set straight to work at playing “double agent” he let false information leak out to the Jedi that Ruusan was the final resting place of Deep Thought, the computer reputed to have figured out the answer to Life, The Universe and Everything. That Deep Thought’s exact location was in the desert wastes at the base of a great crater named Marin County. When the news reached the ears of Lord Snot, the General of the Sun-shiny Goodness Army, he rallied an elite corps of 300 Jedi into a forced march toward Marin County.

At the same time, Bane let a forged document reach the notice of Lord KHAAAAAAAAN that Marin County was the secret hiding place of the “Anti-Life Equation” and that its discovery would trigger the Second Coming of Ian Curtis. KHAAAAAAAAN ordered the Brotherhood of Emo into a forced march to the crater. Bane faked a sprained ankle and hobbled off to enact the final phase of his plan.

The Sun-shiny Jedi and the Emo Sith converged at the base of the crater. As they focused all their Force-mojo on finding their respective holy grails and bickered with each other over whose prophecy was the right prophecy, Bane flew in overhead and unnoticed at the controls of a nine mile long MandalMotors Hover-matic Earth Mover. According to his holocron memoirs, just before he pulled the payload release lever on his Earth Mover, Bane made the following fatal declaration to the self-absorbed dimwits below:

I’M DARTH BANE, BITCH!

Darth Bane then unloaded 10 million metric tons of soil and rock on top of the two armies. Neither the Sun-shiny Jedi nor the Emo Sith had the Testicular Force-itude to repel the big, brown storm raining down on them, and were crushed.

WANTED: New Apprentice, Emos Need Not Apply

At last the Emo Sith were dead and the surviving Jedi ran away like the snivelling pussies Darth Bane knew them to be. But the Last True Sith Lord faced a conundrum: Who would carry on his legacy after he was dead and gone? After rubbing his fingers across his bare scalp for a few minutes, he finally divined a solution:

“ I need heir! (See: Pun) ”

But where to find an heir? Who would be the Dyna Girl to his Electra Woman? As he left the buried remains of his vanquished foes and returned to his Sith-mobile, he spied from the corner of his eye a filthy slip of a humanoid girl. She was breaking the necks of womp rats for the sheer fun of it by drawing on the power of the Dark Side. Darth Bane struck up a conversation with the ugly whelp.

“ "Whae the FRACK are ye?" I demanded to know.

"Whae the FRACK wants to know?" the grimy wee bitch snapped back through her yellow, crooked teeth.

"The cunt whae's gaunnae put the boot up yir arse if ye don't answer him but quick!"

"I'm called Drizzle, and ye doon't frighten me!"

That put a grin oan my puss, cos I could sense the fear comin' oaf ay her hairless minge. "Drizzle, eh? Yir da come up wi' that while taking a pish?"

Her face got aul biscuit-ersed, "Is no ma real name! Ma real name's Zannah!"

"Aulright, aulright, close yir box for a second. Look, Zannah is it? the Dark Side's fair stroong in ye, aboot as strong as a young pony. Ye want tae be ma apprentice?"

"What's so special aboot bein' yir apprentice?"

"Teach ye tae do a damn sight more than skinning womp rats fir breakfast," Ah said, pointing at the far from impressive trail of destruction left in her wake.

"Ah git tae kill lots of cunts?"

"Ah'll teach ye how tae blow up entire planets. Look wide-o, ye want the job or not?"

Zannah scrunched her face up and picked away at her nose, so Ah could tell she wis deep in thought. She wiped her finger on her overalls, looked oop and said, "Aye, suppose it's fair."

"Good. Yir name's Darth Zannah from now oan. Quit pickin' yir nose and follow me."

”

- From the Holocron of Darth Bane