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A barman researching new cocktails. Notice the variety of ingredients on his desk.

A cocktail is an alcoholic drink containing multiple ingredients, at least one of which is a liquor. Cocktails are served in a number of varieties, including girlie drinks, manly drinks, gay drinks, sexually ambiguous drinks, and bestiality drinks. Virgin drinks, much like Midwestern virgins, contain no alcohol and are available to suicide bombers in quantity when they achieve martyrdom.

History of cocktails[edit]

It is widely believed, especially among drunks, that cocktails were invented in that curiously evil period of American history known as prohibition. Between 1920 and 1935, the United States went through a period of manic depression: the "roaring 1920s" were followed by the "Great Depression" and finally the kick-ass war of the 1940s. As any Alcoholics Anonymous member will tell you, you drink when you're happy, you drink when you're sad, and most importantly, you drink when your wife and kids just won't listen.

Consequently, the market pressure of prohibition and the unrelenting agony of life itself lead to an ever-increasing need for alcohol. To produce a greater volume of alcohol, distillers decreased the quality of liquor. The degraded taste of whiskey led many drunkards aficionados to try mixing high-proof alcohol with other substances, such as orange juice, tonic water, and urine. The results were the tequila sunrise, gin and tonic, and Budweiser, respectively.

Throughout the 1950s and 60s, the cocktail made great leaps forward in all sects of society (hee-hee, I said "sects"). College students, known to many as tomorrow's great leaders and drinkers mixed grain alcohol with koolaid, creating a fruity and delightfully intoxicating beverage. Admired President Richard Nixon would mix whiskey with whiskey, creating a sophisticated, whiskey-like cocktail, which he dubbed the double.

In the 1980s, Vietnam-era college students outgrew their do what feels good lifestyle and migrated to more adult, functional alcoholic lifestyles. This led to the popularity of the margarita, and other cleverly concealed girly drinks. Today the cocktail is a sign of sophistication, and class.

Types of cocktails[edit]

The Kermit Cocktail: Two parts vermouth, one live bullfrog

Morning cocktails[edit]

These are cocktails best served in the morning. People on a busy schedule may prefer to make the drink before bed and leave it by the night stand for a crack-of-noon pick-me-up.

  • Screwdriver: Two parts vodka, one part orange juice. Great for clearing up that just puked taste in your mouth.
  • Tequila sunrise: Equal parts tequila and orange juice served over ice made from contaminated Mexican water.
  • Bloody marry: Equal parts blood of Bloody Mary (person) and vodka. Tabasco sauce. Great hangover cause/cure.
  • Irish coffee: One part coffee, sixteen parts whiskey, and a touch of Catholic extremism.
  • Three shots of vodka.

Afternoon cocktails[edit]

A martini is one of the flashiest drinks you can drink.
  • "Wet" Martini: Equal parts dry vermouth, extra dry vermouth.
  • Gin and tonic: Two parts gin, one part tonic, three parts divorced mother of three.
  • Margerita: Two parts tequila, one part triple sec, one part lime juice, three parts Jimmy Buffet's syrupy imagination.
  • Three shots of vodka.
  • Absolute Pure Filthy Hardcore Screaming Fuck Me Sex

Evening cocktails[edit]

  • "Dry" Martini: Equal parts wet vermouth, extra wet vermouth. Olive.
  • Crown and coke: Equal parts Crown Royal and Cocaine.
  • Mojito: Two shots of rum, mint, sugar, and a midlife crisis.
  • Old Spicey: Two shots Morgan's Spiced Rum, five shots Old Spice Aftershave, 1 teaspoon English mustard.
  • Three shots of vodka.
  • The Multiple Orgasm.

Night-time cocktails[edit]

  • Chocolate Martini: Equal parts chocolate liquor and pretension.
  • White Russian: The Dude's favorite drink, a white Russian is a classy combination of vodka and cream.
  • Kamikaze: Whatever shit the bartender has lying around.
  • The Penis-colada: Made with young man's cum.
  • Three Shots of Vodka

Anytime Cocktails[edit]

  • Sex With Your Gran Equal parts of vodka, rum and disgust
  • The Used Condom One part Baileys and one part everclear mixed in a used condom.
  • Toilet Bowl Whatever is floating in it
  • Liquid Viagra
  • Three shots of vodka
  • The Motolov Drink up. You deserve it, pig.

International notes[edit]

  • While in Politically Correct Nazi Germany, refer to cocktails as "Crew Beverages" or "Flight Drinks".
  • When in Saudi Arabia, do not order cocktails. Freedoms like sex, alcohol, and breathing are illegal there.
  • If having a cocktail with Dick Cheney, specifically ask that the blood of virgin puppies not be used in your drink. If he invites you to go hunting afterwards, say that you don't hunt on the Sabbath. No matter what day it actually is.