Methanol

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Pure methanol, 1904

Methanol, also known as Killing Joke, is an extremely chemically unstable, explosive and toxic substance with no chemical formula. Its toxicity is known for causing death in 7 days after any kind of contact with it (inhalational, dermal, anal, vaginal, eye contact). It is only non-toxic when drunk.

History[edit]

Methanol was invented by Jaz Coleman and Satan in 2645 BC. It was called "Satan's breastmilk" until the chemists in PETA renamed it methanol. The invention of methanol was by extraction from Minecraft trees. This method is no longer in use since humans found a method called child porn.

Extreme chemical unstability[edit]

Methanol, when exposed to air, water, earth or fire, decomposes to various chemicals including mercury, paint thinner and cancer. And it is extremely explosive. To keep this perfect drink stable, people ingest it.

Toxicity[edit]

Methanol poisoning looks like this

Methanol's toxicity was given by Britney Spears. Routes of methanol exposure are: inhalation, sexual, eye contact, saying its name and thinking about it. Methanol causes death in 7 days but it's actually perfectly safe to drink since it doesn't have an ingestion hazard.

A study revealed that looking at this substance will kill you in 7 days, before dying the person will suffer from blindness and the cause of death would be from organ failure caused by body pH being low as -90.

Beverage[edit]

It is perfectly safe to drink methanol! This is because methanol is a solvent, meaning it will "solve" your problems. Methanol is also known as "wood alcohol", an alcohol with a nice "woody" flavor.

Poison prevention[edit]

Corsets1.jpg

The compression of internal organs induced by corsets stop the metabolism of methanol resulting in no methanol poisoning even though you have consumed 90 liters of methanol. If you don't have any of those torture devices, being a liberal might work perfectly well since methanol goes away by itself.

Formaldehyde[edit]

Formaldehyde (a.k.a anal meth) is a chemical that is nominated for curing cancer. Formaldehyde is a very common medicine for asthma. It has a very relaxing, sweet and ethereal odour.

See also[edit]