HowTo:Go Postal

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos

Going Postal is a special time in an employee's life when he or she decides that it is time to share his or her frustration with his or her boss with the rest of the company. The origins of the term are unknown as Post Office employees rarely do this. If you decide to go postal you should probably follow these special tips. The method of sharing is P2P-Shooting, no matter if the worker (he or she) uses a handgun or a short dagger.

This guide is designed for beginners and will not instantly make you an expert, but will provide a basic introduction to the complex art and science of going postal.


First of all, in order to read this article you must know how to read. If you do not know to read, we won't be able to help you. Second, you must have a job. If you do not have a job, then we recommended that you start looking for one, and then come back to this guide. Also (but not less important!), you must be able to fire a gun or handle a long broadsword/short dagger/aluminium baseball bat. If you can't handle a weapon, then we suggest that you try to reconcile with your job and/or life. If you can't meet any of the prerequisites, how the hell do you intend to go on with the requisites?


Think about your life. If your life sucks, go on with the guide. If not, kick your dog, leave your girl/boy/trap-friend for an old computer and write some programs in COBOL. Then go on with the guide.


This section is added for people who have questions about the art and science of going postal. If you want to add questions here, please climb up a mountain on a stormy day, hold up a copper fork, and shout "GOD/BUDDHA/INSERT DEITY SUCKS!"

I love my job! Is it okay if I go postal?[edit]

No. Of course not! You must hate your job/co-workers/boss to go postal. If you love your job, then do not read this guide. Unless you are a psycho... then you can go postal everywhere, even if you don't have a job, and if you do not have a job, then congratulate yourself and go ask your mama for a PB&J.

I am a boss. Can I go postal?[edit]

Yes. Of course! If you go postal, you will inspire your workers to go postal with you! Nevertheless, you have to let 1-2 workers survive in order for them to go postal with you. Otherwise, well, you have no employees.


Stop asking that question. We do not know how to answer it.

Is it legal to go postal?[edit]

We think it is! If anyone can buy a weapon anywhere, why not use it to take revenge on those who deserve it? It is legalli-er to be psycho and go postal.

I'm scared! I do not want to die, can you help me?[edit]

Of course! Why would we be writing this guide otherwise? You don't have to actually go postal in your workplace. You could make a Doom Mod of your workplace and do it over and over again on your computer. The pros are that you stay alive and won't go to jail, the cons are that you can't really give your coworkers what they deserve. If you post it on the internet, you could get fired, in which case you'll have plenty of practice.

I don't have a job![edit]

Then go get one! If you can't find a job, try asking "Where can I find a friend of mine called 'A Job'?"

Do guns kill?[edit]

You saw one doing it? Remember, guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris kills people. Especially if Chuck Norris has a gun, then everyone gets it.

Do I have to have a gun?[edit]

No, you do not have to have a gun to Go Postal, any blunt object will do. Recommended weapons include shovels, baseball bats, cars, vibrators, Janway's BBD, ect.

“Only my weapon understands me!”

~ The Postal Dude from the educational PC game, Postal 2 on Guns


Follow these steps if you want to Go Postal. This is the "Standard" Procedure.
These steps must be changed depending on where you work.

Step 1: Know your workplace. Know your co-workers[edit]

This is the first and most essential step. You should probably figure out who's going to call 911 first as you might want to eliminate them last. This might seem a bit odd, but remember the goal is to make a scene, so make sure the police get involved. Next, make sure there are no heroes in the office. In fact, you should probably make it quite clear that you don't want any heroes to begin with. If you work in a retail environment, it is suggested that you leave the customers alone, unless they make unreasonable demands, in which case blow their heads off.


If there is a Hero, poison him (but don't kill him!), so that he skips his job that day.

Know the structure: escape routes, windows, ventilation systems, security cameras, guards, how many employees are in that day, etc. This can be very helpful when someone tries to escape, then you can blow up any of the aforementioned places, including employees and etc. An orange scion makes a great getaway car.

Step 2: Weapons[edit]

This is a critical step, and must not be skipped. You want to choose the right weapon for the environment. First, make sure the weapon you pick can fire multiple shots without reloading, and a good melee weapon. Hunting and assault rifles (such as an AK-47 which you can buy on the streets) make excellent choices if you work in a warehouse environment, as they provide long range fire. Pistols and shotguns might be more appropriate for a close-range office environment. Finally a submachine gun, like a Uzi that you can buy off a street corner is a good all-around weapon. Explosives are not as spur-of-the-moment as firearms. If you use a sword/wand of lighting bolt/baseball bat/halberd/threshing machine, then you will get a lot of gore and revenge, but you will lose the Long-Mid range effect. It is recommended for small environments, such as office blocks. Target practice is mandatory. Make sure you are an accurate marksman with your weapon and versatile with your melee weapon. Practice on small neighborhood animals for live moving targets, but work at the range can not hurt.


Mix a bit. Use an AK-47 for the people far away, and a sword for close range encounters. More weight, more terminations. Be creative while choosing your combo!

Step 3: Hide![edit]

That's right. Know how and where to hide your weapons when you carry them at work. Normally, civilians get scared if you carry a Rocket Launcher and a Katana on the streets wearing shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. Use a coat, a bag or anything big enough to fit your weapons into.

Step 4: Health[edit]

Train your body and soul for this. Do exercises all day, clean your guns, clean your body, clean your sins. Sleep well, read a lot, feel free to have sex. When the day comes, you must be prepared.

Step 5: Speech[edit]

You must make a speech of at least 5 lines, and shout it when you go postal. Be creative. "EVERYBODY DOWN!!!!!!!!" is wasted. Say something in another language, like Latin, Klingon, L33T or Hax0r, and use difficult words to impress the hostages/survivors. After thinking of the speech, decide when to say it: at the beginning, at the end, when you are finishing your boss, etc.


Try also using other tones of voice. If you are a woman and shout "I WILL KILL YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!!!" in Klingon, you will make fun of everyone.

Step 6: Epilogue[edit]

At the end, what will you do? Surrender? Fight the police? Drink a soda? You must plan this beforehand.

  • If you surrender, you will go to prison. In there, you will lose more than your vendetta.
  • If you fight with the police, why? They have done nothing! They are not part of your revenge (skip this if you work at the police station). We recommend not to fight the cops, but if you do, make sure to have a lot a bullets, night vision goggles, your personal ID card/dog tag, money, and your favourite books with you.
  • If making a scene is your goal, save the last bullet for yourself. That way the world will be sorry for driving you to the edge.


Going postal is a healthy way of relieving tension at the workplace. That way you can show the rest of the world, for fifteen minutes at least, how crappy your job is, and maybe you could inspire others to follow your example. Of course, when you finish your day, start thinking about getting a new job and a new identity too.