Behind you
 | STOP AND LOOK BEHIND YOU! Aww, too late. I'm sorry. You missed it? It was pretty awesome. Aww, man. You had to see it. I completely understand the workings of the universe now. Seriously?! You really missed it?! |
“This room is clear, I think...”
“I'm not gonna fall for that old trick!...”
“LOOK BEHIND YOU! OH MY GOD!”
Stuff being BEHIND YOU!!1one!1shiftOne! without your knowledge/consent has been a natural occurrence since the dawn of time (4004 B.C.) The first written account of stuff being BEHIND SOMEONE! was when Judas was exercising his new found Jew Claw abilities behind Jesus's back. The second written account was of course when Jesus was comfortably "fastened" to the cross, though this is disputed because a cross isn't exactly something that's behind you without your knowledge/consent. As history continues, more and more written accounts were made. Many involving mythological creatures. For example, bigfoot is most likely behind you, or someone you know, right now. Vampires (while not myths, 'CAUSE THEY ARE TOTALLY REAL) often stalk prey (i.e. you) while being behind them. Other things that often get BEHIND YOU are other people. When other people are behind you, it generally means one of two things. One being that they just happen to be behind you, the other is that they are "up to nood good", as it were.
Facts on Stuff being BEHIND YOU!![edit]
"Experts" believe that things BEHIND YOU! could lead to medical complications, depending on what exactly is BEHIND YOU!. People/Places/Things/Otherwise Nouns are generally the most common thing BEHIND YOU! As of yet, there is no known occurence of a verb being behind someone, but scientists speculate that it may be possible. A list of things commonly behind you! (with or without your knowledge/consent) include (but are not limited to):
- Silent e's
- Stalkers
- spy from team fortress
Possible Actions[edit]
If something is BEHIND YOU!1one! then you can in fact turn around. But if you attempt to turn around on an enemy with +32 AC and you only roll a 3 your turn will fail and do no damage unless your attack has a +29 which is unheard of even if your creature is a "massive class" Dragon. And if it is it surely needs NERF!
Turning around isn't your only course of action. You can attempt to ignore it. Though this could be worse considering if the thing behind you is a pirate, for he will only plunder yer' DABLOONS and possibly partake in buttsex with you (though buttsex is unlikely for pirates are overbearingly masculine [on the other hand, they have been at sea for a while, and fresh meat is sounding good]).
If a ninja is behind you, you're fucked, whether it figuratively or in fact literally. If any unholy combination of Massive Class Dragons/Zombies/Oscar Wilde/Robots are behind you, just give in to them and it will be as painless as possible. This is entirely true unless you are a ninja in which case the person behind you is either a ninja ninja( meaning that you are already dead, congratulations) or he is in fact the spy fom team fortress and he has eluded your keen senses and perceptional skills with a face mask.
What to do in case of Enemies[edit]
It truly depends on who your enemies are. If your enemies are ninjas, it comes in degrees.
Flamboyant ninjas aren't much of a problem. They are mostly friendly and just want to engage in meaningless conversation (the real life equivalent of fillers). Some ninjas on the other hand would want nothing more than your evisceration. Ninjas like Ryu Hayabusa (not shown, I tried to get a picture, I really did. I sent like nine photographers all over the world to find him. All I got back were nine bloody cameras...) are very inclined to do so.
Dealing with Pirates is much different. Driven by bloodlust, goldlust, and what can only be ascertained as the male equivalent of menstruation, they are crazy mofo's, to say the least.
Pirates BEHIND YOU! enjoy:
- Swashbuckling
- Looting
- Pillaging (sometimes aided by Vikings)
- Raping your women
- Stealing your women
- Raping your feminine men
- Stealing your feminine men, only to return them later
- Making faces at you
- Watching what you're doing with an air of fainthearted curiosity and pure animosity
What to do in case of Allies (that's friends for you dumb people. You know who you are!)[edit]
Now, allies can be tricky. They may be sneaking up on you so scare you. If you have something heavy/sharp/otherwise lethal in your immediate possession, quickly strike/shoot/stab them with it right before they scare you. You get the relief of not being scared, plus the added advantage of your friend never breathing/wanting to scare you again. How hard you hit them is directly proportional to how much they were going to scare you and inversely proportional to how much you like them.