Slow motion
“That kid is fuckin' slow.”
“I know you are, but what am I?”
A slow motion is a type of motion that makes one carrying out that motion appear slow. The term was first coined by Roman Caesar Marcus Aurelius Antoninus Augustus to describe the sword fighting technique of his son, Commodus. Upon Commodus' first appearance in the gladiatorial arena (circa 179 CE) the term was introduced to the Roman public. While a mainstay in the public lexicon since its introduction, for some unknown reason it was not formally printed until approximately 1919 CE by Oxford's New English Dictionary Vol. 10. The use of slow motion has recently taken hold in cinema with films like I am Sam, The Other Sister, and The Matrix (along with any other film documenting Keanu Reeves' attempt to act). In 2000, Columbia Pictures released Charlie's Angels attempting to make the use of slow motion in film 'sexy'. While critical reception was mixed, a common complaint was: "What, no full frontal nudity?"
Slow Motions[edit]
Below is a list of common slow motions. This list is by no means exhaustive and may vary depending on how easily an individual becomes offended:
- Reverse karate chop- An ancient slow motion that dates back to the Jin Dynasty which involves karate chopping oneself in the chest, palm facing down; it originates from the art of wushu Tao Ni (pronounced: dow-nee). Tao Ni is based upon the core principle of humiliation. Its creators emphasized that the key to victory in any fight was first humiliating (and sometimes injuring) oneself. This martial art was considered lost for centuries but has been revived recently by Kung faux masters Steven Seagal, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Dolph Lundgren.
- Incessant drooling- This one is pretty self-explanatory; also a slow motion of wushu Tao Ni. Outside of self-defense, it has also been used to substitute shoe polish, hair gel, hand sanitizers, eye drops, and personal lubrication.
- Attempted self-ear bite - A classic slow-motion believed to have originated from the public ridicule of Henry II of France attempting to itch his ears with his teeth during a public address. To protect his legacy, Henry's family had his official portrait modified some years after his death to minimize the appearance of his aural appendages. However, a few original copies are rumored to exist in private collections.
- Stutter step - A slow motion that consists of stumbling, staggering, bumbling, bobbling, wobbling, wavering, faltering and generally failing to walk in the traditional manner to which most people have become accustomed. To keep the locals fresh on the proper execution of this motion it is publicly demonstrated every Saturday night in most towns, typically by the town drunk. It should not be confused with the Crip walk.
- Flailing - Also known as breakdancing, this slow motion of unknown origin has recently been adopted by puzzled youths attempting to appear edgy. The disarray of jostles, jerks, and sudden movements within the general framework of wildly flopping around acts to draw in the younger crowd looking for a way to express themselves. Although its once thriving constituency has thinned out since the 1980's, several small but hardcore factions still exist.
- Roller blading - While not technically a slow motion, strapping wheels to one's feet is never a good idea. Also, try looking cool braking on these things-- it's not happening. Victims of rollerblade accidents have been known display several slow motions later in life. Commonly these are blogging and voting conservative, although incidents involving power walking and the use of the stutter step have also been recorded.[citation needed]
- Nose picking - Dating back to the dawn of man, this motion is known the world over for its capacity to quickly convey the slowness of an individual and their motions; and often noted for its superior capability to unblock nasal passages.
- Blogging - A virtual slow motion, it is often performed by internet users graciously providing their important opinions about things in life.
- Skipping - Used predominantly by children to indicate their lack of mental development, this slow-motion involves hopping up on one foot and then the other again and again. It may also be seen in contests by some to prove who can move in the most inefficient manner possible as well as in some military formations while marching.
Biomechanics[edit]
Contrary to their name, slow motions are often anything but slow. They are generally characterized by short, jerky movements. When done properly, they often appear erratic and involuntary. Achieving this seemingly spasmodic display takes years of practice, the difficulty of which is often underappreciated. Rather than coming off as slow, individuals untrained in these motions usually just look like a giant knobber. The description "douchebag" has also been used by others.[citation needed]
Slow motions differ from fast motion in that the use of psychedelic drugs or other mind-altering substances is typically not involved. One exception to this might be in certain situations involving copious amounts of alcohol and no responsible adult supervision. Still, even these are typically limited to incessant drooling and stutter stepping primarily due to the impairment of both gross and fine motor skills.
Elements of a proper technique involve a good deal of variation, an uneven cadence, and an acute lack of social awareness. Variety is important because it keeps bystanders guessing. They will quickly tire of the same stutter step routine performed all the way down the street. Tossing in equal parts drooling and ear-biting with the odd reverse karate chop generally gives them something to stare at. An uneven cadence is also crucial in that it can carry a single slow motion a long way and keep it from looking over-rehearsed and worn out.
The piece de resistance, however, is defined by the extremely low level of one's social awareness, or lack thereof. The more astoundingly inappropriate the motion is perceived to be for the situation, the slower it will seem. Take the acting of Keanu Reeves in nearly every single movie in which he has been featured as an example. His robotic facial expressions and body movements so poorly reflect his characters actual situation that his motions can be interpreted as nothing but slow. The languid action sequences of a bloated Timothy Dalton in his few James Bond films also provide a good lesson in slow motions. In fact, a close look at Licensed To Kill reveals several instances where Dalton is flailing whilst drooling--a feat rarely accomplished in modern day cinema.
In Sports[edit]
The sporting world is jam-packed with a vast cornucopia of slow motions for both the athlete and the fans to enjoy. From American Football with its mob of pointlessly aggressive individuals smacking their helmets together like a pack of spastics at a mental institution, to Rugby with its mob of pointlessly aggressive individuals gang tackling each other like a pack of muggers in a back alley, to Boxing with its two pointlessly aggressive individuals battering one another like a few drinks after a long night at the pub, sporting events provide countless examples of many time-honored slow motions.
Other than the aggressive side of the sporting world, sports requiring finesse often prove themselves to be an ample display of slow people and their motions. For instance: curling, with it vicious scrubbing of the ice; badminton, with its wild flailing in pursuit of the shuttlecock; and synchronized swimming, with its struggle for non-athletes to get into the Olympics.
For a more information on slow motion in sports please refer to this article.
In Leisure Time[edit]
Rivaling the popularity of knitting and binge drinking, slow motions are a staple leisure time activity in virtually every country on Earth. Nothing whiles away the time like a solid session of nose picking that results in a bloody nose or a healthy spell of one-thousand count reverse karate chop and skipping interval training. Uninterrupted fortnights of blogging have become especially popular in recent years, though detractors criticise its adverse health effects. [citation needed]
Consisting of both passive and active leisure and availing themselves to people of all ages, slow motions make up some of the most user-friendly recreational activities. In fact, with very little practice one can carry out an entire range of slow motions in expert form.