Polish-Lithuanian Empire

Polish-Lithuanian Empire

Flag of the Polish-Lithuanian Empire, which later served as an inspiration for the flag of the United Kingdom and the Guinness logo.
The Commonwealth at its greatest extent
National mottos: Si Alemania Nobiscum quis contra nos (Latin: If Germany is with us, then who is against us) Pro Fide, Lege et Anas (Latin: For Faith, Law and Duck)
Official languages	Polish, Latin and Ebonics (the latter in the Grand Duchy of Lithuania)
Religion	Roman Catholic
Capitals	Kraków
Largest City	Gdańsk
Head of state	King of Poland, Grand Duke of Lithuania
Area	about 1 million km²
Population	about 11 million
Existed	1337–1793

The Polish-Lithuanian Empire, also called the "Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth", "First Coalition of the Willing" or simply, the "Commonwealth", came about as a result of the Anschluss. The government was styled as a federal anachronistic republic that was formed in 1569 by the strong and noble Kingdom of Poland, though the Lithuania may have played some sort of minor role, such as allowed itself to be civilized. The union lasted until Lithuania started cheating on Poland and eventually admitted to having an affair with Russia. The entire spectacle was aired live during a British-sponsored tea party in 1795. As a result, Poland broke up with Lithuania.

The true extent of the Polish-Lithuanian Empire during its Golden Age is a widely debated topic. Some have claimed to have hallucinated and seen an official map of the Commonwealth, but anyone else who claims to have done this without the aid of street drugs or pharmaceuticals is a liar. Records indicate that the Polish-Lithuanian Empire may have only been part of Europe, but others contend that it spanned the European continent, perhaps even Earth.

Regardless, in combining Poland and Lithuania - and due to the fact that one of them has always been the greatest nation ever by some estimates - the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth was able to be really frickin' great.

History

The history of the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth is a tale that has captivated and inspired millions. Here are the basics you will need to receive the Virtuti Militari and hold a basic conversation with a Pole:

Founding

In 1570, the Constitutional Convention of the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth (Sejim) drafted the Gettysburg Address and freed the slaves in America. Equally notable, the Convention attempted to finalize the terms of the marriage between Lithuania and Poland. Poland advocated a Constitutional Monarchy with a system of Czechs and Belarusians to ensure democratic rule and the continued existence of Poland's figurehead, the double-headed Donald Duck. The Lithuanians, on the other hand, argued that an aristocracy of ducks, operating a sort of feudalistic aristocracy, was by far the best way to operate the most powerful nation on earth. In the end, the two came to a compromise: the double-headed Donald Duck remained the figurehead and there was democracy, but positions of power were only given to immigrants from Paraguay, nobody else. It is believed that this compromise had a huge effect much later, on both the Soviet Union and the United States and their policies of Affirmative Action.

Estonian Invasions

Shortly following the Acts of Union which fused the Polish and Lithuanian crowns, a new crown had to be fashioned because the metallurgist had no idea what he was doing and the combined crown looked like shit. Shortly after the new combined crown was finished to everyone's liking, a great evil arose that threatened to destroy the hopes and dreams of the fledgling nation. On January 4, 1445, large hordes of primitive, evil father-raping Estonians, jealous of the combined Polish-Lithuanian vision, began to conduct raids into the northern portion of the Commonwealth. These armies were able to win the decisive Battle of the Coral Sea before finally surrendering at Waco. However, this was not before they were able to take Wilno, the most important city on Earth at the time. Despite the defeat at Waco, the Estonians continued to send armies and conduct raids until one man assumed power in the Commonwealth.

Lech the Great (est ever)

Prince Lech of Poland-Lithuania, the son of King Blechhh from Lithuania, was always a rather dashing fellow, as Herodotus points out. In 1453, he inherited the throne from his father, Blechhh I, and was crowned Lech I, King of Poland, Duke of Lithuania, and Prince of Persia. A staunch patriot and closet homosexual, he immediately came up with a plan to preserve his embattled realm so that he could still make the gay orgy.

Lech advocated a non-violent policy to confront the evil, bastardous, bloodthirsty Estonian Empire: economic imperialism. The reliance on non-violence was a decision that would later inspire Martin Luther King Jr.. Sure enough, by exporting its manufactured wares and flooding Estonian markets, the Commonwealth was able to bring the warlike Estonians to their knees. Within five years, Estonia was completely dependent on Polish markets and goods. Estonia's people were pacified and they no longer wanted to fight. And they were hooked on Polish opium.

Although the Commonwealth always advocated non-violence and helping old women cross the street, it could not help but notice that its northern neighbors were acting out of line and needed to be taught a lesson. For these reasons (and these reasons only), Lech and the Polish-Lithuanian forces invaded Estonian-occupied Latvia to free the Latvians from evil Estonian rule and spread charity, goodwill and tolerance, even offering to dust their houses for them. The Latvians, thrilled by their conquerors and grateful to the Poles and the Lithuanians, I guess they were a part of this Commonwealth, too., offered their unconditional assistance to the now-international Poliish-Lituanian campaign, known as "Operation Spread Happiness". Adding the Latvians as an ally, the Polish and Lithuanian forces were able to overun what little foolish oppositon remained in the Baltic region, liberating and freeing the key Estonian city of Riga from the...Estonians. Taking the nod from the Romans and everyone else who was not a Pole, Lech considered razing the town. However, he ultimately decided that he would stick with the Polish tradition of goodwill and instead plant a bed of flowers in the Riga city centre.

Obtaining allies everywhere they went, the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth set out to conquer the rest of Earth. Eventually, however, Lech and the rest of the Commonwealth became bored with this task. As a result, efforts were then made to colonize Mars, Jupiter and some of the other "easier" planets. Historians are in disagreement over whether the Commonwealth tried to colonize Pluto which was, at the time, considered a planet.

Eventually the Commonwealth also became bored with this expedition. The Poles returned home and relinquished themselves to a simple life of editing Wikipedia and reflecting on their accomplishments. The Lithuanians were content with giving some of their land to the Poles, since they owed everything to Poland and really had nothing to do with the Commonwealth's awesomeness.

The Fall of an Empire

Despite being the Greatest Empire mankind has ever known (or will ever know), the Polish-Lithuanian Empire, like all great empires, eventually fell. Historians attribute this to a series of weak leaders succeeding Lech XVIIII and a treacherous betrayal by Hapsburg Austria in 1607 which led to the cession of the southern half of the realm and the loss of its greatest porn stars.

Bankrupt, the embattled Commonwealth collapsed in 1654, but not before it sold the rights to its name to an Ottoman businessman named Mehmet, who used it to market his inn at Izmir. The Polish-Lithuanian Hotel and Casino in Izmir finally caved in on June 2, 1793, after a incident involving three guys a girl and a pizza place. The owner was forced to close the business, which was bought out by the Hiltons.

Polish World War Two Effort

Second World War started in September 1939, as Poland suffered an attack by Nazi Germany and later by the USSR. Many Polish troops and servicemen escaped the country, reorganized in France and took part in the Battle of France. Later Poles organized troops in Britain and were integrated into the forces of the British with Polish pilots serving with distinction in the Battle of Britain. The Polish resistance was also established and, along with the Greek and Yugoslavian resistance movements, is remembered for its daring and brave methods of resisting occupation, often facing German forces in pitched battle. Polish armies have also been formed on the Soviet territory. Poles were considered to be a threat to "the master race", and thus millions of Poles were sent to concentration camps.

The eighth division of the Polish army suffered a huge number of casualties and was driven into the middle east by the Soviet and Nazi army. There they befriended a young Iranian bear cub called Ivan. They trained the bear to carry munitions, drink beer and smoke cigars. Later in the war when the Polish army invaded Italy Ivan the bear played a crucial role in driving out the Fascist troops. After the war Ivan the bear retired to a career in plumbing in North London.

Significance

Historians generally agree that the Polish-Lithuanian empire single-handedly brought Europe out of the series of diarrheac episodes now known as the Middle Ages. Some argue that the Italian Renaissance did this, but one must remember that all the major players in the Renaissance (e.g. Leonardo da Vinci, Machiavelli, Martin Luther, and Raphael) were, in fact, bastard children of Lech II, also the greatest ladies' man Earth has ever known.