Prince of Persia
“ Most people think time is a like a river, that flows swift and sure in one direction. But I have have seen the face of time, and I can tell you your mom is fat.”
“ Most people think time is a straight progression from cause to effect, but actually, from a non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like your mum: a big fat ball of... wibbley-wobbley... timey-wimey... stuff.”
“ I'd like to let that guy sand my time any day!”
Originally created as a piece of educational software, designed to teach children the basic (and dangerous) skills of fencing and climbing onto ledges approximately seven feet off the ground, Prince of Persia achieved a modest success in the 90s due to its innovative use of real actors. Prior to the game's development, all videogame characters had been played by puppets or other automata, but PoP pioneered the use of live-actors, allowing the game portray it's protagonist in more fluid, realistic way.
Problems for Acting Community[edit]
Acting within video games meant that new demands were forced upon the acting community. Such demands include but are not limited to being forced to have their features 'pixelised' through the use of 'blunt force trauma'and/or surgery.
Other Problems for the Acting Community included the replacement of the Prince's character. After so many rewinds, falling into pits and being squished under giant naked things, the PoP team often fired and rehired less beaten, more beautiful men and/or women to continue the Prince's role.
Debate Over Historical Accuracy[edit]
The ongoing debate over the historical accuracy of the Prince of Persia games is mainly centered on what time-period that game encompasses, and whether or not skeletons could really hold swords. The first of these is subject to much controversy, with Jordan Mechner, the game's author, remaining frustratingly vague: "I dunno. The Disney one?"
The second point has been rendered almost 'moot' by the interposition of the world's most foremost authority on undead footsoldiers, Ray Harryhausen, unambiguously stating "Yes, they maybe probably could." and George A. Romero adding "Of course It's possible! If Zombies can wield guns then skeletons can hold swords... now leave me, I must prepare for the outbreak!"
Possible Racist Undertones[edit]
Every alert to potential racial flashpoints, certain pressure groups have highlighted the game's beard-curling, hand-rubbing, daughter-abducting vizier, 'Jaffar', as a negative portrayal of an Islamic figure: "If, as Mr Mechner clearly states, the game IS set in post-Sassanid-era Iran, then the portrayal of the vizier character is clearly of a defamatory nature, and offensive to Muslims." Fumes Martha Worthington-Smythe, of the CAIR.
The game's original publisher, Brüderbründ, still make small wooden toys for blind children, and were told by the current licence-holders, Ubißöft, to stand up and defend themselves like men. "As Mr Mechner has clearly stated, the game is set in Sassanid-era Iran, and as such is only offensive to Zoroastrians. Who have no pressure-groups." Retorts Michel Duns-Neblar, Chief Chisel Engineer for Broderbund.
The Plot[edit]
  Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Beatrice is the Orphans' Mother, the button in the hatch really does have to be pushed, Edmund, Goneril, Regan, Lear, Cordelia and Gloucester all die in the last scene, Prufrock isn't Prince Hamlet, Sloth is the Elric Brothers' mother, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!! |
The prince is a blond finn released from mental hospital to begin with.
Anyway, to resume, The Prince (or potential prince), who for convenience and accuracy's sake will be from here on in referred to as 'Cecil', is thrown into a jail cell. This is at the begining. Well, at the very beginning you get to see Jaffar waving his arms threateningly at the princess and doing magic tricks with sand-timers. And when we say "You get to see", we obviously mean that you don't get to see it if your mate, John, has started the game while you were in the toilet and won't go back and show you the intro. But at the point where even people who have been in the toilet will get to see because every time you die on the first level you go back there, Cecil has been thrown into a jail cell.
And by 'jail cell' we mean 'bizzarely designed room, approximately only a metre wide, with no discernable way of traversing most of it other than through athletic leaps, and some loose tiles at the bottom of it'. Naturally Cecil, not being an idiot, cleverly falls through the broken tiles and makes good his escape. And look, I'm not going to go through every last thing that happens in this game, okay? So just be happy if I tell you the highlights, alright?
Like, first, for example, Cecil gets a sword. That's not really all that much of a Big Whoop, to be honest. He just runs past some spikes and stuff and picks it up. Did I mention that no-one ever says anything? Well, they don't. I should have mentioned it earlier to be honest. But they have cue cards, I think, like in silent films, and when some things happen, some dramatic music plays, like "Da-da-da-DUM." It's better than that. I should try and get some kind of audio link to show you. Can you do that? Anyway, that's what happens when you pick up the sword. Music plays. That's why I mentioned it.
Noor Gabol is the real prince of persia
After that, a load of other stuff happens. You get to fight people with your sword (including some really fat guy), and it's all like 'pap' 'pap', and then they hit you, and you're all like 'eurgh', and then you knock them backwards so that they fall off a ledge and onto some spikes, and you're all like 'yeah!' (but in real life this time, not the game), and the princess talks to a mouse and it holds open a steel-jawed blade trap for you, and you have to jump through a mirror, and an evil you tries to kill you, but is it evil? I could never really figure that out. I mean, you just have to put your sword away, and you can jump into it, and if it was evil, when you put your sword away it would, like, stab you but good, right?
So anyway eventually you kill the vizier, as long as you do it in the time limit (Oh yeah, there's a time limit that runs down in real time too, but no-one really liked that part, so I didn't mention it), and you get to hug the princess. So maybe she is your sister, 'cos it's okay just to hug your sister, right? I just always kind of assumed that there was more going on there than that, though. And that's the end. However, the ending says "Now Cecil shall be known as Prince of Persia", so maybe they are not sibblings, but--ack! I think something in my brain exploded.
Characters[edit]
- The "Prince" (Jackass Marriott)
- 'Jaffaar , the evil vizir , why the game came out as a subject of ridicule in persia
- Cacolukia (Joe Marriott)
- Farah (Maddie Bamford)
- The Sultan (Jake B)
- Pongo (A Dog called Lick)
- The Vizier (Moth Man Matt)
- Mickey (The "Time" Elf)
- The Dalai Llama (The "Prince's" Acrobatics instructor)
- Aslan (Magic Lion)
- Mufasa (Aslans Bitch)
- King Mustafar (the "Prince's" Con-Artist Father)
- Sandy (Prince's Pet Rock)
- The Dahaka (He's big. He's black. He just needs a wash and someone to love him.)
- [Iggle piggle|Iggle Piggle] (son of the dahaka)
- Will Banks (A ginger person people tend to run away from)
- Ken (The greatest musician ever with his amazing album 'By Request Only', this is The Prince's favourite album)
- Aarron Dian (likes reading the Metro)
- The Annoying Guard ( Put the Things in the things)
- Joshs Dad (owner of a Hot Tub where the Dahaka likes to cleanse himself)
Items[edit]
- Dagger of "time" (A Dagger With A Built In Watch)
- Medallion of "time" (Buffalo-headed quarter, luckier than it looks)
- Boat (Wooden floating thing)
- Bow and Arrow (Only 1 Pound From Poundworld)
- Sword (Also a pound from poundworld no wonder the prince has a few)
- Hat of Time (Don't be seen at a party without it!)
- Time Goggles (see Beer Goggles)
- Stick (How else are you supposed to beat away those damned birds? )
- Argos Catalogs ( everything the Prince needs is inside)
- Parma Violet, Love Hearts and Fizzies ( the main ingredients for The Sands of Time)
Places[edit]
- Persia (It wouldn't be Prince Of Persia if it was set in...say Iran)
- Island of Time (AKA Island of Beer Induced Hallucinations)
- Hawai (Where the Castle is)
- Afganistan (The location of the Vizier's house)
- India (Where the prince goes to kill cows)
- Pakistan (Where the prince goes to get trained in a camp)
- Bangladesh (Where the politicians kill the prince)
- Sri lanka (were tamils kill the prince)
- Iraq (Where the prince's WMDs are)
Spin Offs[edit]
- Spongebob Squarepants ("Hey Patrick!" *RAPES* *REWINDS* "Hey Patrick")
- Chicken Little ("Hey, Let's see the sky fall again!")
- Project Gotham Racing ("Look at how much kudos I can get!" *DRIFTS* *REWINDS* *DRIFTS*...)
- Your Mom (Let's just say Cecil and Farah had a child - they had it adopted)