Blondes
“I think Blondes are great role models for kids!”
“I have rots of tarr brond radies so i get raid!”
Blondes are a specific species of woman. They can be recognized mainly by their hair color, which is normally somewhere between a yellowish-white and a dark yellow color. Those women who claim to be blondes (and there are many of them), but don't have hair in these colors, are actually not blond. Generally, 95% of women that appear to be blond are actually brunettes and redheads who are jealous of blonds because they get way more action than any other. Most of the actual blondes in the world might be in some place where it is cold like Latvia or Sweden, and maybe some parts of Canada and even these people are bottle blondes.
How to recognize a blonde[edit]
Blondes can, like, normally be recognized by their completely unnatural hair color and, like, their non-intelligence, you know? They are often characterized as, like, ditzy, air-headed, and whatever, but some blondes were sophisticated intelligent creatures once in ancient times (but now they're extinct). They tend to be, like, totally obsessed with their exquisite breasts, and, like, they are totally misunderstood creatures who are planning a massive takeover of California (they are so dumb, how else would they do it except sleep with every political leader in California)? All blondes are born from sea lions and have 500,000 less brain cells than brunettes and redheads, which enable them to, like, spit fire and engage in sexual intercourse with a male countless times and keep coming back for more even though he says, like, "leave me alone, you crazy psycho bitch!" They tend to have these, like, totally perky breasts, and they tend to engage in prostitution, work in strip clubs, do porn, and give blow jobs at slightly higher rates than the general population. They are also known for going around saying "I don't get it," and "do I look fat wearing a g-string?" and "Can I get pregnant if I swallow?"
They can often be the found at local goth shops trying to look all hardcore wearing black. They say it's slimming, which, of course, it is. And, like, totally, all blonds are like that. Like, whatever! But like, not all of them. Like, most blonds in the world are, like, totally fake. Omg rite?? that's so like, yuck. Like, gag me with a flippin' chopstick (or penis)! But, like, some natural blonds aren't, like, like that. But, like, natural blonds are very hard to find. They're like an endangered species or somethin'. Totally
Anyways, blonde isn't technically just a hair color it is also the way a person acts: checks out their looks every second of the day, just plain stupid, tend to be random all of the time. This is a blonde. Well that's it for now.... Oh, and if you didn't get most of that cause of some big words...you're a blond or a blonde whichever u prefer to be.
Why men like blondes so much[edit]
In 2004, scientists conducted studies as to why men inevitably prefer any blonde over any redhead or brunette. The results were as follows:
- Blondes generally have it going on . . . everywhere. Men tend to prefer this.
- Blonde chicks usually take care of themselves more. If you know what I mean.
- Blondes usually are too dumb to question what men say and, therefore, can be led on easily.
- Blondes tend to be freakier than brunettes and redheads (redheads have a high percent of wanting to do "freaky" things 2nd place right after blondes. i.e.: anal, bondage, therapeutic facials, etc.), and are generally more willing to engage in oral sex on men. (the average blond has sex about 7 times a week, a brunette usually does it twice a week and a redhead usually has sex about 3 times a year)
- Blondes tend to put out on the first date so are what guys go for and understand the words "get out now" and don't stay and hope for a relationship.
- Blondes are always the village bike; easy to get on, a satisfactory ride, and won't chase you for more. Unless you're on a slope.
- Blondes are the village horse; everyone gets a ride.
- Blondes who are fake, meaning they happen to be brunettes and redheads in disguise, can become dumber over time cause of peroxide and other harmful hair dye use. And dumb girls can be easily tricked into sex, so the end result is quite close to the original
Why all the blonde jokes?[edit]
The jokes about blondes have been made by Chuck Norris. This is because he wants to confuse His enemies. The plan is to make people laugh so bad, that they might die from it. So far, the plan has been successful, as we all can see. People laugh much about it. Let's just face it: the jokes about blond bimbos are funny enough because its all true. Therefore some blondes have now started to work on their intelligence, but studying hard in turn has made them more sexually frustrated (a sexual side-effect genetically common among all blondes). Their secret headquarters is stationed right under the South Pole. Actually, they had planned to place it on the North Pole, but they did like Columbus, and went the wrong way. The reason why they forgot and went opposite direction to the North Pole, was because all blondes share the same problem of Intoplarictoriphimucousitis, which is a rare illness among non-blondes that causes massive losses of brain cells.
Why are blondes so dumb[edit]
The truth is, blondes' boobs practically control them. The reason they are so dumb is because when god made them, he installed a special chip. This chip "controls" how fast their boobs grow (if it malfunctions then they get plastic surgery to make there boobs bigger). Here is how it works: A blonde is asked, "How many sides are on an octagon?". Before she can say the right answer, 8, the chip in her boobs redirects her. She shifts from side to side, moving her boobs and trying to act seductive. Moving them also helps the chip work better. This is what she is now thinking: Well, an octopus lives in the ocean. The ocean is blue. There are 4 letters in blue. So her answer would be 4. This is how the chip works.
Positives[edit]
- Blondes tend to be energetic and adventurous. Always looking for a thrill, whether it be sex or some other form of entertainment. (hence blonde do have more fun)
- Blondes also make the world brighter (not lighter nor whiter).
- You have higher chance of finding a sexy, cute, beautiful blond than in any other species of woman (1 out of 1 billion). also getting plastic surgery is common practice for blondes
- Since their slutty hotness is almost always higher than other species of woman they are capable of being with some of the sexiest and most famous of men.
- Most blondes are fake, they use hair dye. so if many wean their use of peroxide and harmful dyes, then their stunned intelligence can slowly return back to normal.
