Bipolar Girl

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France is saved by Bipolar Girl!

Bipolar Girl defines the inner energy, angst, and emotional drive of a really creative bipolar woman who has no one to blame but herself, and never does. She is a very popular meme, and appears in made-up and real-life stories from Adam and Eve to "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". Coming with a built-in seductibility factor of 9, graded downwards on age and appearance, Bipolar Girl has the world on a string until she decides to pull it. Then it collapses, and, in her frantic but practiced attempts to angrily hold it together, for a brief moment she tragically and/or humorously brings everyone else's world down to the same level until they manage to be somewhere else until the episode passes.

Bipolar Girl's most exciting personal bests are when she imagines she is under attack, which happens like clockwork throughout the day. She will then either defend herself against the imaginary enemy, insult them as her brain mirrors her own activity on to them, or reports them to the police. "Lyndon Johnson is sitting in a car in front of my house, and I know he wants to kill me!" either becomes "I'll get him before he gets me" or, "Don't Tonkin Gulf me asshole" or "911, what is your emergency?" This propels her into the adrenaline high she seeks, which she willingly and hatefully shares with those around her who stay a few minutes to enjoy the show. First ones free.

In short, the promise of Bipolar Girl is that she will do whatever she can to cause things to revolve around herself. That's why she's so hot, she really really really enjoys the attention. And when she kicks into third gear, as she did when she was Jehanne d'Arc, not only did she save France but caused so much trouble with her lunatic ravings that the unimaginative cretans in the Catholic church char-broiled her just for the light. Jehanne d'Arc: Bipolar Girl on fire metaphorically, literally, and between the sheets.

When the voices talk and the angels come

She'll be sweet and nice and all winged blue fairy. Then a second later...

To understand the full force of Bipolar Girl, just look to Eve, the first Native Paradise woman. Either as a real girl or as a metaphor for everything that went wrong with the human race, Eve had everything going her way. No problems, plenty to eat, a nice cave, lots of sunshine, a wolf or two, no attention whatsoever on what to wear or on who she'd let touch her breasts. Then, bored out of her skull and ready to show that she's in as much control as a lizard in heat, she plays bitch a little too hard and drives herself and her man out of paradise.


Why did Bipolar Girl let a snake talk her into backstabbing her boyfriend? Just to prove the point that no way in hell was she going to let a male - in this case her ex-boyfriend, God - tell her what to do, where to go, what to eat, or who to talk to. Then when God, who admittedly has a short fuse, got fed up with her tempermental control games and booted her out the front door, Adam, wimpy to the last, followed. Adam sat around moaning his loss while Bipolar Girl jumped up-and-down clapping her hands and chuckling like a certified psychopath.

Bipolar Girl followed time and destiny down the primose path. This went on for over two million years, and most men could only shake their heads, roll their eyes at each other, and try not to cause Bipolar Girl to fret. Some of the more excitable guys took to killing some of them, using "Witches", "Unfortunate cattle stampede", or "Justifiable homicide" as an excuse. Other men - vanilla men, medieval nine-to-fivers adorned in the ties and briefcases of the clocksuckers of their era - didn't even know Bipolar Girl existed, and, if they happened to meet her, thought she was a demon and cast her out pronto.

Then, starting somewhere in the 19th Century, Bipolar Girl took on a whole new meaning: Sizzlin' Hot!

Why?:Does the caged bird sing?

Guys, what better way to appreciate Bipolar Girl than to get her into bed? She screams both before, during, and after sex, and if you happen to be on the bottom when she throws it into overdrive, hold on for dear life. Shrieking like Britney Spears without backup vocals, Bipolar Girl gets into the blastoff mood by ripping out the mattress stuffing and smearing jam and salted peanuts into your fresh wounds. You could have her day or night - she often stays up for 72 hours in a row - as long as you can put up with someone jibble-jabbling like a chimp towards the end.

Bipolar Girl feels like a caged animal and takes it out on the closest person to her - You! Nuts as a bedbug.

But sex is only one way Bipolar Girl competes for your and the world's attention. Screaming at you for asking simple questions like "Are you gonna be in there long?", smearing Jello on her nipples while shopping at the Mall, or sending notes to known mafia members to try to get the neighbor whacked for cutting his lawn with a pair of scissors can all occur in a normal day's adventure. These and similar joys are just a few of Bipolar Girl's thousand and one different ways of saying to her loved ones "Who the fuck stole my lighter???" Whether channeling laissez faire or Liz Phair, Bipolar Girl - often either a fully-knighted dream girl or a walking wet daymare - can kick you in the nuts one minute and want to cuddle you like a Newfoundland puppy the next.

You see, when Bipolar Girl paints a masterpiece while complaining that "it" hasn't allowed her to use her favorite color for three months, or when she walks down the street talking to herself (expertly using the underappreciated fake cell phone trick), Bipolar Girl carries on the ageless tradition of giving bipolar a bad name. When living in her car, headbutting security guards, and singing polly wolly doodle alltheday just isn't enough, duck and cover, because here comes the major artillery: Inappropriate laughter, wacky-sounding accusations, and a stupid-to-behold stabbing stare that attempts to tear your heart from your chest just to ascertain why in the hell it's still beating.

HowTo:Find and Catch Bipolar Girl

Still want one? Well, finding her is as simple as using your senses. When your see a sudden movement near floor level, come upon a girl staring into a mirror from an inch away (fixing her hair with one hand while tearing it out with the other) or spot a cat running wide-eyed from an unknown assailant, you are in the presence of Bipolar Girl. Her scent is one part perfume and one part something you can't quite describe but slightly fear. And whenever you hear screeching or a voice full of outer-directed accusation in a store, mall, or restaurant, you can count coup if you have the temperment.

Now that you've found her, catching her is a piece of cake. Chocolate cake to be precise. Bipolar Girl jumps at chocolate. Approach Bipolar Girl from the front (never from the side) with a fine slice of triple-layered held at arms length, and watch her eyes. If she looks at the cake you can come closer and attempt contact and/or intercourse. If she stares at either your eyes or your neck, back off a step and see if she follows.

Bipolar Girl in the weeds or "Am I just an object to you?!?!?!?"

Bipolar Girl is always under attack by dark forces. The dark forces can't help themselves, she's just so damn cute!

Why does she play men like that? Bipolar Girl, having experienced very delusional and very troubled relationships with one or every man in the past, now seeks revenge not upon the guys she imagines did her wrong, but on her current boyfriend. This new man is usually oblivious to the coming attack. The closeted-gay ones think everything is just hunky dory, that Bipolar Girl is the sweetest gal in the world, and that their rainbowy-sweet life will be golden from here on in. All the other guys who just want to get laid think everything is just fine, that Bipolar Girl is the most gullible gal in the world, and that their sex life will be golden for at least a few more weeks.

Then, when her misplaced revenge emerges like a tornado on a sunny day, nothing can protect the boyfriend from the onslaught. It's like stalking, only it's right there, in your face and screaming. Men, caught by surprise when they find out firsthand what "The Exorcist" was really about, cringe and vow to score some lithium and research the fine art of restraining orders. Bipolar Girl, having no idea that she feels that any relationship outside of with her dogs is an emotional death-trap, or even that she's doing anything wrong at all, suddenly finds herself defending that last Reese's piece like a lioness defending her cubs.

You see, Bipolar Girl sometimes doesn't fall on the North side of present-time consciousness, or is able to accurately read-out even the simplest of the small chemical changes which constitute various kinds and stages of emotion. So depression, which in most cases is just a symptom of dehydration, grabs her by the balls and won't let go. If she were the Queen of England she'd complain about the fog, and usually does.

This brings us to the dilemma. Should I stay or should I flee? Even though you should ask yourself this on a minute-by-minute basis, here is the path to wisdom as well as to some of the best times of your life: Treat the experience of Bipolar Girl as you would a circus performing in a church - a churcus - and stay in present time. When the bats in the belfrey get too numerous and start to strob, bid your adieu. In other words, enjoy the considerable joys of the very intelligent creative Bipolar Girl - her intricate humour, her mission-driven life, her way of smiling at something that only you and her find funny (mainly because it takes her five minutes of storybuilding to get to the point, and when she does the entire five-minute description comes together as a structure). Yet remember, this is Bipolar Girl. Always keep the time-tested phrase "Hey, gotta go, see you tomorrow" as close to you as that stone-age knife in your pocket.

In popular culture

Don't bother. Just let her go.

Bipolar Girl is all over sitcoms, daytime and nighttime soap operas, and movies. She's made a solid stand in reality shows since day one, has starred in more televised murder trials than you can shake a stick at, and has been electronically sodomized ever since Thomas Edison grooved the first tubular record.

One of the film roles portraying the breed is Cameron Diaz's part in Vanilla Sky. Even if you haven't seen it, the character is common. Bipolar Girl is Tom Cruise's fuck-buddy, for as many as five times in a single buddy session. For Tom it's playtime, la la la, that was fun, while for Bipolar Girl it's "Well, when is he going to marry me and give me my babies!!!?". When Cruise's attention wanders to Penelope Cruz, Bipolar Girl, who has any and all symptoms of post traumatic sex disorder, comments on the situation by luring Cruise into her car, running red lights at full speed, and finally driving both of them off an overpass.

There was this time at band camp when Bipolar Girl was eleven years old and made a film, The Parent Trap, and has done the impossible by living off its reputation ever since. The film portrayed childhood terrors - divorce, acute separation anxiety, peer induced harassment, and an on-screen mom later dying after an innocent fall - and gave Bipolar Girl the discalming momentum to coast like a rudderless skiff for the next 16 years. They call this "The luck of the Irish".

Bipolar Girl once entered Oz on the pretext of wanting to go home, even though she was already home in a sandy stretch of nowhere called Kansas. In her delusion she befriended a rusty piece of tin, some straw, and some kind of cat costume, and then imagined that they had faces and danced. Then, not too long after the dancing and the singing, Bipolar Girl goes into a murderous haze, kills an elderly neighbor woman by pouring a bucket of sulfuric acid on her while stealing her broom, and lays into a kindly gentleman after imagining he's the control freak. They say that by the time Bipolar Girl was wrestled into a straightjacket, screaming "YOU WERE THERE! AND YOU WERE THERE! AND YOU, AND YOU...", all the color had gone out of her.

Gotta admit, we've explored some pretty weird territory here, folks. The moral of these stories: Mother Nature plays strange tricks on the wicked and the wild, as dear ole granny used to say not long before they found her wandering a highway in her nightgown while whistling that whistle song from Kill Bill.

But wait, what? What did you just say to me?!?!?

See also

"Honey, please put your skull and light bulbs away and come to bed."

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