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A "Swiss-Army" Octopus in its natural habitat

The octopus (Octopus octopus), part of the -puss family, is a Nottingham school-teaching feline species with large friendly eyes and an (as yet) undetermined number of tentacles (more commonly known as gardening limbs).


Octopussies were discovered in 1910 by the Rutland Aquanautic Godless Evolutionist Hunting and Gathering Society during the first scientific exploratory mission of the "Guardian Soulmates" page. The eight man crew, consisting of Captain Dirk McCartney, 1st Mate Ringo Wom, Lieutenant Stig Harrison, Torpedo Launcher Barry "Trigger-Happy" Starr, Oceanographer George O'Hara, Marine Biologist Ron Lennon, Yeoman John Nasty, and Cabin Boy (Lizzie Browns' dad) Terry, set sail at 2:45 PM into the River Trent or Sea of Chartreuse, as it's known in real books. Twenty minutes later, after getting lost several times, the aquatic vehicular domicile of xanthic hue crash-landed onto a vast undersea horticultural complex which, as it turned out, was tended by a hyperintelligent race of pitchspork-wielding giant octopussies. All of them smarter than YOU.

First Contact[edit]

Fortunately for our hero, the octopussies turned out to be quite friendly, sexy, clever and accommodating, in spite of the fact that most of their enlightened civilization was laid waste by thousands of thermonuclear ballistic torpedoes (aka school children) which were launched at them by a trigger-happy member of management only moments before. After the Head Teacher & his\her crew apologised profusely for their careless mistake, the octopeese invited them to brunch, and a passing school (sic) of fish had a hearty chuckle. {see what I did there!} Octopuses in captivity (aka Ilkeston) or saddled with a class of retards; often kill themselves out of sheer boredom ...

In Japanese erotic art, the octopus symbolizes raw sushi."

Octopus in Ancient Cultures[edit]

Octopoop were used by Imperial Japan as a form of currency. The prehistoric Japanese were also known to keep octopuses as concubines. The Japanese Emperor Sun-Xun-Hedo-Zet-Pharshe-Moxie-Airplane-Cookamunga the Fourth-and-a-half said of the octopus: "No gleater a daughter is there than octopus. Octopus is exceedingry. Vely gleat joy feel." What this means exactly is open to interpretation. I do believe it has something to do with sex, love & rock 'n' roll, obviously excluding mixing your vino and puff (due to the danger of chucking-up or having to lie down in a darkened room with your feet raised onto the toilet seat).

In the extremely distant past the northern reticulated octopus was often thrown onto the ice at Aston Villa games, as early as the year A.D. 2215. The Villa were a popular badminton team from Birmingham. Archaeologists have not determined why they played badminton on ice, although often it's said they are shite at Football but had a big stadium to fill on days when proper football was played elsewhere in the Premiership.

Connie Dobbs as an octopus.

Octopoop in Recent News[edit]

Arnold Mombooto, created by splicing the genes of Arnold and the royal octopus of the RSS was in the news for his engagement to the (magician chomping) pet tiger of gay magicians Siegfried and Roy. Thousands of Twits (aka twitter users) & RSS volunteers thronged the wedding halls with buckets of rotten fish to throw upon the newly wedded couple at the following nuptials.

Why Vaginas?[edit]

Octopuses tend to not really enjoy frigid & arid climates, such as your mum. The semi-organic secretions of the vagina supplies the octopus enthusiast with a vast amount of raw material for the cultivation of love, as well as providing an ideal laboratory for the study of cryogenics. Although many of their gods are hard to reach through the hide and folds of the Pleasure Dome walls, the benefits of vaginal living far outweigh the negatives of angering the Great Octopus God Xanadu, for some reason. With the discovery of a new breed of promiscuous octopus, Octopussy [inhabiting your local beach or suburban pool], researchers and scientists are reassessing the anatomy of the Octopus. Researchers have claimed that the typical Octopus have a hard beak and its mouth is positioned at the centre point of its arms. Further studies have revealed the mouth of the Octopussy is similar to a human females genitals, the ‘beak’ functioning similarly to that of a females clitoris. They have no internal or external skeleton allowing them to squeeze through tight places, and also stretch their vaginal cavity up to 1.23 meters.


The correct plural of Octopussy (yum yum) is generally accepted to be octopussies . Care must be taken not to confuse the similar terms octopi (the circumference of a squid of diameter 8) and octopodes (the eight principal islands of Australasia). The alternative plural hexadecipus is also acceptable for the specific purpose of describing a pair of octopodopipussies.

Mating Habits[edit]

Octopusessess have been known to mate with humans. Here a happy and content couple enjoy their lovemaking in an underwater getaway.

Octopussies have one of the most unusual, and deadly, mating rituals of all other animals on Earth. Like humans, octopussies enjoy more than one mate in life; but unlike humans, octopussies choose their mate depending on which on has the greatest collection of faces. That's right, faces. The male Octopussy, crawls out of the ocean and finds the nearest beach bum. The Octopussy then procedes to throw the poor unsuspecting bum into a tree. Whilst the helpless human is caught in the vegetation, the Octopussy thence commences to suck the victims face right off of his skull using its powerful suction cups. After collecting at least 3 dozen well bearded faces, the female will consider whether or not it wants the said male figure as her dominate superior for the next year. If not, the male gets thrown into the tree, and eaten alive by his fellow octopussies. This is normally a yearly ritual, but could be bi-yearly, depending on how many tourists are on the beach.

Interesting Factoid[edit]

Doctor Octogonopus is not a octopus. He is an octogonopus.

See also[edit]

External Links[edit]

Campaign to save the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus [1]