Females
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WARNING! This article is designed to offend. If you are not offended by it, please edit it so that you will be in the future. For an example of how to be offensive, see: Sexual harassment
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“I much prefer the ones with cocks.”
“I shall never trust anything that can bleed for a week and not die."”
Females are the large area of body tissue around the vagina. Another important detail about females are they are the opposite sex from males therefore males can have sex with them. Mostly due to their vaginas, but also due to various other body cavities and orifices.
Origin[edit]
Some believe that females come from the rib of a very lonely man, while others speculate that God was mad at man so he gave them woman to annoy the crap out of them. Knowing that man would kill woman for being so annoying and always telling him to clean up and talk about feelings he made them attractive and gave them a very pleasing anatomy. (boobs, attractive butt, vagina). Still some believe that women just crawled out of the deepest darkest evilest hole ever. That would be the original vagina which had the goal to destroy all cocks ever made through insentient torture.
Habitat[edit]
Females are found at malls, latterias, bathrooms, in parks trying to run away from stalkers and excess body fat and -if attractive to you- in the bed of your best male friends.
Females are not found in deep mines, at chess or stamp collector clubs or here. In case you haven't noticed, you're on the internet. Here you're probably going to find the Holy Grail before a female.
Sometimes an entity called Women appears on the net-They are actually not females, since as many a n00b has painfully learned:
| “ | The internet is the place where men are men,
women are men, and little girls are FBI agents. |
” |
Proof that the female subspiece "girls" are evil[edit]
(1)
(2)
From (1) and (2): (3)
However, it is known that money is the root of all evil: (4)
Rearranging (4): (5)
From (3) and (5): QED, BITCH!
However, this is sometimes disputed as some have said that the fact girls are time and money equates to
(6)
From (2) and (6):
Substituting in (4):
And dividing through by 2:
Girls over 2 are the root of all evil. This is probably because by this age they have learned to talk.
Typology[edit]
The world's most beautiful females actually become teachers, causing all men to have their first crush on them. Second-rate females become super models or trophy wives. All females becomes more available if they are more drunk than the male, and more beautiful if the male are more drunk than them. This is the root behind a social phenomena known as the Eternal Rule of Sexual Insaturation:
- A man can never score a girl beautiful enough for him.
This rule is an inherited curse to man, as punishment for Adam's unauthorized fiddling around with God's Photoshop while still alone in Paradise.
Critics[edit]
Many important and credible critics state that: "Anyone that does not agree that 'Girls = Evil' is either homosexual or a girl. LOL!"
Women and Computers Similarities: Women are said to be like computers; there always seems to be a problem, but they let you figure it out. Diferences: Computer noise volume may be turned down.
Historiography[edit]
Scholars have yet to reach absolute agreement on exactly why it is that females and men have historically cooperated (albeit, with much nagging on the part of the former). However, over the last 30 years, an academic consensus has begun to develop, and a number of academics have posited that the female species may play some role in human reproduction. Due to the inherent geekiness of most scientists, females are typically unwilling to share any information with researchers and this makes study difficult.
The early 90s were very productive as cultural theorists began to analyze the discourse concerning the female species, and several important findings have resulted:
--"Dog is man's best friend." Why is this so? Genetically, dogs are less similar to men than females are, but but both men and dogs exhibit a strikingly similarity in behavior. For example, both dogs and men tend to be loyal, fun-loving and energetic, creative, and surprisingly stupid from time to time—this stupidity results from the other similarity between canine and manine; both dogs and men love beer. Women dislike beer, have an impressive ability to backstab, and like shiny objects.
--"Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em." This seems to support the argument that women play some role in human propagation, but even with this as a given, it seems that female practices are in some way profoundly bizarre, confusing, or otherwise anathema to male behavior. Just so, females tend to be somewhat irrational, and have a full range of what psychologists call "feelings," a temporary emotive state. This is radically different from males, who only have 7 psychological states: bored, drunk, Nevada, angry, jealous of Steven Segal, sarcastic, and horny.
Other scholars explain that there is a long historical precedent demonstrating that this uneasy cooperation between the genders has existed. The relationships of Nero and Bitchus provides a classic example. In 64 AD, Bitchus, a Roman upper-class female, and favorite consort of Nero, complained that "we aren't spending time together anymore," infuriating Nero. Bitchus' nagging was such that Nero started the Great Fire of Rome, burning much of the city to take attention away from their relationship. It is untrue that Nero played an instrument while the Imperial capitol burned; Bitchus and Nero actually went out on a date to the Olive Garden, where burning Christians were used to romantically light the restaurant.
And yes, the name sounds familiar—it's where we get the word bitch from.
The most important thing about females[edit]
Females do not have the same urges as men to make "Sense" in any form of an argument. So basically you're fucked. Well, you are probably not, and that's the point.
- Usually females have two boobs, but occasionally, they may have one or three. Three boobed females are extremely rare and should be kept as treasured possessions.
- They produce milk from their nipples.
- You have to be careful, as over 99% of them are total bitches, especially the ones who used to be fit years ago.
How to keep Females Busy for Hours[edit]
- One of the expensive ways: hand them a credit card.
- Pretend that you care.
- Buy them pounds and pounds of Chocolate.
- Tell them to make a sandwich.
- Tell them to list all the things they wish they had that their other female friend has.
- Tell them there's a sale on shoes at the mall. They may be gone for days.