HowTo:Handle Flashing Your Vagina in Public

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Now hold on Britney, don't be an eager beaver. What, were you surprised? I mean, not that it's any of our business, but what were you doing not wearing underwear in the first place? You knew you were "commando" when you got dressed for the evening, didn't you? Right... well there's no sense in dwelling on it now... Instead, take a deep breath, and prepare to do some damage control.

So... you've made it. You're a famous female celebrity out for a night on the town, drinking with friends. Maybe you just want to celebrate your new-found plastic surgery, maybe you just like to party, maybe you really don't have a drug problem, hey, we're not judging you. Maybe you aren't even a celebrity at all, maybe you just have a wild streak, no one cares, okay? But anyway, you're pulling up to Fever, Pure, Bed or whatever the hippest nightclub is nowadays, wearing the latest trend in booty-shaking mini skirt, and suddenly it happens: that teensy glimmer as you stretch your leg to step down from your SUV and onto the sidewalk. They saw it. I saw it. The paparazzi definitely saw it. And now, thanks to the ever-popular use of the Internet as a means of downloading voyeur photos, the whole world has seen your vagina.

Better let Paris teach you how it's done.

Relax, Don't Panic

This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos

This is important. Confidence is key, so don't be a dork, and make a big deal about it, start giggling hysterically or something like that, just gracefully finish your stride and continue as if nothing happened. That's it... there is nothing to be embarrassed about, you meant to do it. If someone asks you about it, casually shrug it off and say something about how underwear is too constricting. Remember, showing your vagina in public is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, many celebrities have built their entire careers on the publicity generated by a single well-executed and allegedly-accidental genitalia flash.

Remember, it's all in the delivery. If you are too eager to show your vagina, you might be compared to the likes of Jenny McCarthy or Tara Reid, and that is never a good thing. You have to momentarily pretend to have forgotten that you're an A-list celebrity with an endless following of camera-bearing fans and paparazzi (If you can't do this on your own, try taking 2-3 Vicodins with a shot of vodka) and act completely natural. Once you're nice and oblivious you should be more than ready to - 'Oops!' - flash your goods to the crowd of waiting observers without breaking a sweat. Not obvious at all!

There, are you watching? Are you ready? Witness the master at work.
Oh I see... Like this?
Yes, mm hmm, I just can't stand the way underwear chafes my bikini line...

Ease Into the Habit

Congratulations. You've shown your vagina in public, and have managed to maintain your a-list status, your almost-sterling reputation, and most of your major corporate sponsorships. Now what? Well, if you're really daring, you can continue to show your vagina whenever you please. For instance, if you have to take a break from the night club scene for school, work, rehab, whatever, you can feel free to flash it while doing day-to-day activities like running errands or taking the dog for a walk, etc.

Lindsay Lohan is another master of the vagina flash.
Like Lindsay, you can flash your vagina while shopping...
Or while heading to the saloon...
When performing on stage...
While lounging by the pool...
Or when stepping off a boat...
Even fully clothed!
Yeah, it's a good thing shorts are in fashion this season!

On Second Thought...

You know what? Although there might be no such publicity as bad publicity, there might be such a thing as too much of your vagina. We liked it at first, really we did. But sadly, now the novelty has worn off, and well, it is supposed to be kind of a private part, isn't it? You don't want to start giving us nightmares, or anything...

You know what, this just isn't working for us anymore... I mean, this isn't goodbye, but maybe we should take a break... It's not you, it's us....

See also

Potatohead aqua.png Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 28 February 2010
This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
Template:FA/28 February 2010