Jenny McCarthy

Senator Jenny McCarthy (R, Louisiana) prepares to undress the Senate, 1921

Jenny Talia "Jenny" McCarthy (born November 1, 1901) was a Louisiana politician and the first woman elected to the United States Senate without having previously been appointed to her position; she was also the first female senator to serve as a Republican and was an active legislator, drafting and seeing enacted 229 laws in her six-month tenure in the Senate.

Childhood

Jenny, or "Jenny" as she preferred to be known, was born to struggling vaudeville actors Mr. and Mrs. Kennerbunpot McCarthy of Pigsnot, Louisiana. In her youth, Jenny was a troubled girl. In 1916, at the age of 15, she ran afoul of the law by baring her breasts in public and violating the Louisiana state statute forbidding the shaving of pubic hair. During her jail sentence for these crimes, she was paid by fellow inmates to be sketched in what were later called Intimate Inmate Encounters v. 1 through 36 with other female convicts.

Having incurred 36 violations of prison regulations in her first week of incarceration, Jenny was remanded to a state mental institution for treatment of "aberrant coitus of the highly deviant kind". The entire Intimate Inmate Encounters series was seized as evidence, though no charges were ever filed. Five years later, Jenny was declared cured and released under heavy law enforcement surveillance.

Senate Career

Upon her release in 1921, Jenny immediately ran for the US senate. Although the idea of permitting a woman any legislative power was deeply repulsive to the sexist bigots of the day, they hoped that her performance and breast-baring in the hallowed Senate House would permanently discredit her gender and thus remove any possibility of further female representatives.

Given her criminal record and time in an insane asylum for sexual depravity, electors universally agreed that Jenny was the most qualified candidate to represent Louisiana, beating out the incumbent Wesley "Accomplished Felon" McBarns (D) and Republican nomination challenger Denzel "Pig Rapist" Muggwarts on her path to the Senate.

Legislative Endeavours

Jenny was best known for the Potato Skin Act (1921), which made it illegal for potatoes to develop skins. Under her law, potatoes with skins were punished by being flayed in kitchens all over the US. Although they were consumed in almost all cases after being flayed, this was not actually a provision of the Potato Skin Act until it was amended in 1923.

Jenny also led the congressional inquiry into the control of the emerging film industry by deaf cabalists. Her brow-beating of the deaf, who feigned not to understand the abusive questioning, led to their utter humiliation before the nation. This paved the way to replace the deaf with a more representative control over the film industry, and led to the release of the first "talkie" in 1922: Talky McTalkerson Talks To Two Talking Tumbling Tornadoes That Talk (no stars).

Political Downfall

A mere six months after her election, Jenny was under heavy fire. A scandal had emerged concerning nudity and her sexual behaviour before the Senate. While she was able to face down the charge that "she had failed, even once to bare her breasts to the Senate" as demonstrably false, a thorough investigation revealed she had given up pubic shaving and lesbianism entirely. She was impeached.

Later Life

Jenny vanished into the hills of Louisiana. Before she left, she held a press conference, declaring, "I go before my beauty fades and my legislative track record of creative stupidity is overtaken by a Republican president named for the hair on my nether region."

Analysis

Jenny was a pioneer for the women's movement, proving that through substandard pornography, large mammaries, and pubic shaving, any woman could briefly obtain political power whereupon she would be subjected to a double-standard. Thanks to her efforts, a handful of women are currently working hard in the US Senate while attempting to dodge bottom smacks and sexist humor.

Autism

Jenny is also a nutcase idiot when it comes to causally linking the vaccination of children with autism. The decrease in herd immunity that has resulted from the subsequent anti-vaccination hysteria literally kills children of otherwise preventable diseases like whooping cough. So Jenny the woo-woo queen is pretty much a complete fucking moron. Who would marry Jim Carrey other than a moron? Jenny's fat whore friend Oprah Winfrey helps peddle this nonsense by having pseudo-scientific nutjobs like Jenny on her show without presenting the opposite point of view, which is actually supported by solid evidence. Jenny should stick to getting her tits out, farting and giving an occasional blowjob.

See also

• Flatulence
• Masturbation
• Fetish