Handicapped
The Handicapped are women with a psychological disorder who revere distorted body images made popular by the modern media.
Nobody Likes a Retard[edit]
Thanks to the invention of mirrors a woman can be made to easily understand just how much of a fatass she really is. It's no longer necessary to take someone’s word for it — mirrors don’t lie like your friends do. Mirrors were then subsidized by the opinions of celebrities. Television gave marketing firms the format to spend billions of dollars to render women handicapped. The handicapped believe they're smart enough, skinny enough, and nasally strong enough to compete with the supermodels they worship.
A patient man will put up with having to explain microwaving instructions for a third time to a handicapped woman for a great piece of ass. Oscar Wilde's father was this kind of a man, and he hoped I would grow up to be like him. "If you haven’t scored with a handicapped girl then you're no kind of man" he used to say. "Your mother liked to do it in her chair. She loved it sitting down." He used to say that a lot when he was drunk. "Why don't you have a girlfriend yet??! Nobody likes a retard!" he would scream.
Public Disinterest[edit]
Parking spaces aside, the life of a handicapper is not an easy one. Lawsuits to file against ex-boyfriends over sex tapes, rehab centers to escape from, and finding somewhere to put vomit after lunch can be quite challenging.
Luckily, the handicapped are often given aids to help them through life; wheelchairs, personal chefs, drivers, lifeguards, and lamaze instructors to keep them breathing. For those truly less fortunate, many males selflessly quit their jobs to help the handicapped. Volunteers like your mom, O.J. Simpson, and Charlie Sheen have spent their whole lives dedicated to helping these women.
Certain left wing femi-nazi groups have labeled the handicapped as ‘bad examples’ for young girls. Among the accusations: that they are shallow. And, that they spend their days confused by puzzle pieces that make no sense; how is a girl supposed to put Tony the Tiger back together again when the pieces look like cereal?
And then there is Ann Coulter. Ann Coulter the noted media whore and failed attorney says that the handicapped don’t ‘contribute to society,’ that they’re ‘worthless,’ and that a final solution should be found. Sadly, Coulter knows this failure first hand - having spent the past ten years trying to use her withered breasts and boney legs to gain the spotlight. The reality is that if she were a dog, it would be humane to end her misery. But alas, when the day is done she is little more than a handicapped wanna-be and the object of Rush Limbaugh's drug-induced masturbatory fantasies.
The handicapped are people too, damn it — sexy people that we all want to secretly know, and sleep with. The motif seems to be that we give them all sorts of special privileges, and then ignore them. We assume that they have husbands or boyfriends. Someone has to be taking care of that handicapped woman right? She didn’t potty train herself! Wrong! Often the handicapped have one meaningless dead end relationship after another. You think they can’t move their legs, but that doesn’t matter, you bet they can move their pelvis. Thrust, grind, repeat!
Horn Broken, Look for Finger[edit]
One universal quality possessed by the handicapped is their inability to pilot any kind of motor vehicle. They're too slow when you want to go fast, stop suddenly when you want to pull out, and won’t go all the way. If you notice the car in front of you has a handicapped symbol on its license plate, prepare yourself for a bad time, a real bad time, like dry humping bad.
You must remember though, that they're special people, and the conversation they're having on their cell phone with their dietician is certainly more urgent than any hospital they're trying to reach.
Ribbed for Her Pleasure[edit]
Famous porno-economist lesbians proposed that the handicapped should be exploited on a macro level, because the shit for sexual gratification would always overwhelm the specific micro demands of the individual. Every human has babies, despite what each one of them might like to do or not do with them.
The handicapped were quickly shoved into movie studios in Burbank, California to realize their full potential. For some, this was a relief from the cheesey porn stars of the late 1970s. For others, this was just another type of relief, and required the same amount of Kleenex as before.
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