From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Tamakeri is yet another type of pleasing form of art favoring men. This page is dedicated to this ancient practice. It can be best described by its expert: Prof. Erika Nagai. A small portion from her book ("Pleasures of Castration", ISBN-666-13-1337-455-0) follows:

Description given by the book[edit]

Tamakeri comes from the country of Japan (fabled land of ninja turtles, bound boobs, and tentacle rape) and is considered a rare treat by much of Japanese society. The fun pastime usually involves one clothed female and one nude male, with the female trying to inflict painful pleasure on her male counterpart by squashing his testicles. This can be simply done by kicking his bare nutsack (as forcefully as possible) while giggling (loudly, if possible). She must be sure to strike both of his babymakers, so that his balls are mashed equally flat.

When done correctly, you should hear a loud "CRUNCH" as the recipient's nuts are cracked. The "male" will probably land like a sack of potatoes thrown over a fence (you should hear a gentle "THUMP" noise). He will shout out of joy and swear loudly while rolling around the floor violently, clutching his now bruised and rapidly swelling plums. (You may hear a "!+%#&@" sound, in a voice you can also acquire after inhaling helium).

Note: some people might dislike the idea of pianos falling on their testicles

Do not be alarmed however, as they swear at any point of traditional intercourse which certainly shows that they just received multiple orgasms from this exercise and therefore the swears are only expressions of gratefulness. Surely the recipient would not show dislike towards the "female", who just granted great "joy" upon him, so keep on giggling (loudly, if possible) to expand the time frame of the orgasm.

Some couples try to employ objects like a hammer, baseball bat or an anvil and - after some real experience - even a 16th century style piano. Beginners are advised to stick to their feet, knees and fists until the male target has his nuts thoroughly toughened up. It is preferable that the testicles be clean shaven, so that the impact against them can be seen more clearly, as well as the degree of swelling after they have been mashed a few times in succession.

Unfortunately, there is no equalivent pastime with women as the target, since they have no testicles. Kicking them in the crotch just does not seem the same.

Facts about Tamakeri[edit]

Tamakeri is often called upon in various sports

Did you know that:

  • Tamakeri is the only sexual practice in Japan that does not involve tentacles? (altough their combined forms exist and are called "tamacle" generally)
  • Tamakeri participants ate rice at least once in their lifetime? (a large consumption of fish seems also inherent to these individuals)
  • Tamakeri renders both low and high frequency radio waves obsolete? (the frequency of voice given out by male recipients seems to disturb radio waves at an intergalactic level and shows likeness to the radio wave disturbing effects of certain supergiants turning supernovae)
  • Tamakeri was the first gift native Aztecs received from their european visitors? (the term of "running amok" was invented just after receiving this gift for the first time and remains in use to this day)
  • Tamakeri is the main reason that dinosaurs became extinct? (although this remains sheer speculation to date)
  • Tamakeri increases the likeliness of dying at the end of your life? (according to the "Institute of Totally Real Science" Tamakeri increases mortality rate among mammals by 0,666%)
  • Tamakeri was the main reason for Rasputin's privates leaving him? (obviously the Russian military was none too happy with Rasputin's drive for bodily contact and joy)
  • Tamakeri is involved in the creation of spotted dick sponge pudding? (actually it is being involved in the material collection process, having nothing to do with the process of separating hydrogen peroxide from aluminium-chloride)

And lastly: some uneducated females of the west have tried to replace this ancient practice with cock&ball torture? (terrible misconception since Tamakeri has nothing to do with the torture of people involving innocent birds and football equipment).

Author's note[edit]

With the last veil lifted upon the secret of the male species (Homo Hornier) we can now safely state that we know more than ever before about this wonderful specimen of lowly pleasure slave. - Prof. Erika Nagai, Stardate 96734 -

See also[edit]

  • Japan (place of origin)
  • Penis (most important resource)
  • Piano (another important resource)
  • Sex (the category it belongs to)
  • Fetish (the other category it belongs to)
  • Pain (side effects that may occur)
  • AAAAAAAAA! (other side effects that may occur)