Prostitution

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Starbucks?

Found in any good phone box. As Vladimir Lenin once said, "Yeah, I'd fuck her!"

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Prostitution.

“Marketing is all about location, location, location. My prefence is unmarked stagecoach, vacant lot, anus.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Prostitution

“In Soviet Russia, Prostitute pays YOU!!”
~ Russian Reversal on Prostitutes

Prostitution is the act or practice of providing sexual services to another person in return for payment. The person who receives payment for sexual services is called a prostitute and the person who receives such services is known by a multitude of terms, including a "john". Prostitution is one of the branches of the sex industry. The legal status of prostitution varies from country to country, from being a punishable crime to a regulated profession. Estimates place the annual revenue generated from the global prostitution industry to be over $100 billion.

Prostitutes[edit]

To avoid legal prosecution, prostitutes (or WHORES to use the correct term) have become increasing vague about exactly what services they offer. They may, or may not, be willing to exchange your money for vaginal intercourse, sexual intercourse, anal intercourse, oral intercourse, coarse intercourse, and/or blankets. But they are forbidden, under United Nations Health Code "Sealed Lips," to stick their tongue in your mouth. This is because U.N. health insurance covers V.D., but not bad breath.

They are also authorized to refuse services to any person for any reason, unless you're a porn star or a Christian televangelist. If you aren't either one of the above, you are probably too ugly to get away with soliciting a prostitute for any reasonable amount of money.

History of Prostitution[edit]

Pickup Street, Rochdale, Greater Manchester, England

Prostitution is the oldest profession known to Man, and to Woman. It was invented in the year 3994 BC by Eve, who tried to convince God to pay her for sex. God was totally like, "I MADE you, who would you be without me?" This greatly upset the Creator, who kicked her, her brother/husband/mother Adam, and Eve's pimp Snake Eyes out of the Garden of Eden. (Her pimp later became a famous television and movie star under his real name, Monty Python.)

One of the earliest prostitutes was "Ruth," found in the Bible (another thing you find in cheap motels). According to the Biblical Book of Ruth 69:12, "If thou thinkest that Ruth liest in the bed of Boaz only to sleep therein, thou art a dumbass."

Though unable to speak or form words such as 'prostitute' unless on television, monkeys were the first to practice prostitution (see Bullshit#Prehistory). This completely contradicts the previous paragraphs, so consult your nearest scientist for which is the correct theory.

In the Middle Ages, a prostitute was a woman or girl who played with a man's penis for relatively worthless items such as a polished rock, a pretty shell, or a first-born child. It was during this time they were known as "cheap whores." Later, prostitutes found they could make more money humping men who had successfully invested in real estate. This explains the origin of the term, "dirt cheap."

Prostitution is illegal in America, so there has recently been a huge influx in immigrants to England, where it is encouraged. Thus the phrase was born, "A baby costs $840 dollars a month in America, but it's £5 a minute in England!"

Prostitute advertisement box in London, cleverly disguised as a telephone booth

Prostitution in England[edit]

London[edit]

In London, prostitutes erect, so to speak, fake telephone booths for their advertisement cards. Or, off the tourist trail, try visiting Pickup Street in lovely Rochdale, the centre of prostitution in England. Good places to start looking for street girls are: East - Romford Road, North - Seven Sisters Road, South - Brixton Hill. yup.

How do I get to Rochdale?[edit]

You fly to Manchester, using the Irish National Airline that isn't government-owned any more.

How do I find a Prostitute?[edit]

If you see this sign you're headng in the wrong direction.

Prostitutes are usually found on street corners. If you can't find any there, you live in the suburbs and well sucks to be you my friend because you're going to have to drive to the city. Once you get to the city as you are driving if you notice every block has at least one of each of the following: church, liquor store, pawn shop, and (in the USA) gun store, then chances are you're in a neighborhood that's got some prostitutes. Just drive up to the lady with a way too low miniskirt and bruises all over her legs and ask her how much. If she slugs you she's not a prostitute and if she says, "depends on what you want, around the world is $75.00 and a blow job is $20.00", then you've hit the jackpot my friend and good for you.

There are also rumours of Megan Fox charging $1000 a second for a BJ, but this is not true, as hot as she is... It disrupts the services at The Fundamentalist Church of Megan Fox.

If you live in Southampton, Nevada, Amsterdam or Saigon and you are reading this section for instruction, then you're fucking retarded. They're everywhere you idiot just go outside, they have them in store windows and they have ranches where they herd them like cattle.

There is always a quick trip to the Red Light District in Tijuana where street girls roam the Zona Norte waiting for American Tourists who shell out 15 dollars for a quickie.

Prostitutes on the Internet[edit]

This day and age prostitutes have upgraded to an electric business card called a website on the World Wide Web, or commonly known as the "telly wiv buttuns". Prostitutes can take photos of their vaginas with a camera, and stick it on their webpage with a bit of glue or sellotape. Rather than a bit of a fiddle in your car you can use the tellyfone to get the prostitute's home address, which is commonly known as an incall. It has a bed too, and a toilet. No weeing in the bushes for you, sir. The prostitute wants more gold when you visit her cave, and you will have to eat pebbles and gravy for 2 months after paying for your prostitute.

Prostitutes in Movies[edit]

Noted film reviewer Pat Robertson said, "The best whorename ever must be the name 'Easy', given to the prostitute in the movie Preteen Slut III: Taxi Driver. When I first saw the film, I was so taken by her appearance and seductive manner that I was sorely tempted to break the law and enter that young vessel of excitement." (Note that a representative for Pat Robertson claims the Christian televangelist/movie reviewer was badly misquoted. "Pat did not say or imply in any way whatsoever that he was tempted to 'break the law.' Not at all. What he actually said was he was tempted to 'ignore the law.'")

The most famous movie concerning the topic of prostitutes would be Pretty Woman, staring Julia Roberts as a trashy big-mouthed homeless person (big surprise there), and Richard Gere, the prostitute.

Famous Prostitutes[edit]

Polly Adler, New York madam, 1920s - 1940s
Josie Arlington, madam in Storyville, New Orleans
Laura Bell, the "Queen of London whoredom"
Cassandra, the "Golden Heels Madamme" <La Tacón Dorado> Tijuana, B.C. México 1940's - 1980's many American tourist included some politicians used to cross the border between
Mary Boleyn, lover of King Francis as well as King Henry VIII, the French king referred to her as "The English Mare"
Kristen DiAngelo, brought back the term "courtesans", in order to re-brand prostitution in America, producer of the film American Courtesans
Madame du Barry, mistress to Louis XV of France
Veronica Franco, Venetian courtesan and poetess
Nell Gwyn, courtesan to Charles II of England
Carly H. Brown, American frontierswoman, coined term "drug and plow"
Nicole Leguay d'Oliva, French prostitute involved in the Affair of the Diamond Necklace who impersonated Marie Antoinette
Carol Leigh, a.k.a. Scarlot Harlot, coined the term "sex worker"
Mata Hari (born Margaretha Geertruida Zelle), Dutch spy

Prostitutes in Literature[edit]

Prosetitutes (a splinter group of regular prostitutes) are a type of literary genius not found in Red Alert districts. While onboard the original ship used to circumnavigate the world (known as Noah and Joan Arc's Floating Pet Emporium), they built their own ship. (The name of this floating sex shop explains the origin of the popular term for sexual manipulation, "petting.") They set out on their own, splitting from their sisters Marcia, Jan, and Cindy. While on their journey, they wrote prose, invented gravity, and ate fish. This explains why they smell that way.

They later met up with their prostitute sisters on Monkey Island, near the western coast of Luxembourg.

William Shakespeare has penned a number of couplets about prostitutes, including his breakout Fatty McFat-Slut and I Would Not, Could Not, Suck Your Dick Young Man. One particularly famous one goes like this:

You say that life flies mighty quick.

Well, not so fast I'd suck your dick.

Freebee[edit]

Over the years, the prostitution industry has evolved into a more businesslike approach. Corporations have attempted to provide special offers in order to increase the size of the market and reap huge profits. Alton Towers recently introduced the 'If you are shorter than this line you can ride for free' offer, widely believed to be the greatest marketing strategy of all time. KFC and Nike, among others, have also begun to indulge in the act of utilizing suggestive slogans such as "It's finger lickin' good" and "JUST DO TIT" and providing erotic discount coupons for the desensitized elderly to cut out of newspapers.

Freebee's with a prostitute is very rare, even if you look like you've been sprayed with chocolate. Don't be expecting to get a BOGOFF (buy one get one free), even though sometimes that option is available after searching through the firey bumholes of hell and giving Satan one yourself. Like most things in life, intimacy is only going to be as good as what you're willing to pay for it. ^{[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]}

Benefits of Visiting a Prostitute Over Getting Married[edit]

Professor and sex buyer Michael Jabba

Professor and sex buyer Michael Jabba has listed five benefits of visiting a prostitute over getting married:

1. You get what you paid for

2. You are funding the drug market, which is good for the economy

3. They don't become fat, old and ugly

4. Cost of cheating on your wife: half your income, your house, car, and children (if any)

5. Cost of cheating on a prostitute $0