Military of New Zealand
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Military of New Zealand | ||||||||||||
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“The New Zealand army is here? SHIT! WE'RE SCREWED!! Oh wait they're here to help us....?”
The New Zealand Defence Force comprises three services:
- The New Zealand Army of Maoris
- The Royal New Zealand Navy
- And the Royal New Zealand Air Transport Force for VIPs
The Commander-in-Chief of the NZDF is New Zealand's Governor-General, Fredd Dagg, who exercises his power on the advice of facts & quizzes found on the underside of beer bottle caps.
The commander and head of the NZDF is the Chief of Defence Force, Lieutenant General & VC Winner, Jake The Muss, who also acts as the primary military advisor to the Minister of Defence, Jango Fett.
New Zilland 's armed forces have three defence policy objectives:
- To defend New Zealand against verry verry low-level threats
- To contribute to regional security, that is, restoring order to small pacific nations whose populations have trouble understanding democracy
- Something about logistic support
New Zealand believes that having cool friends will keep it safe, and that, due to its geographical isolation, it does not need an air-combat force. Instead it focuses primarily on land and sea and particle physics.
History[edit]
New Zealand Forces have served with the British, The Steve Irwin Australian Expeditionary Force (nicknamed the Stingrays), and a shitload of other nations, with the most notable exception of the Americans.
New Zealand has played a part in:
- World War I
- World War II
- World War XVII
- The Second Antarctic War
- The War of the Ring
- And presumably a few others that were forgotten in the drunken revelry that followed each
A few smaller skirmishes, tentatively referred to as wars, but almost too discrete to warrant a mention, are listed below:
McGillicuddy Highland Army Rout[edit]
In 1979 Clan McGillicuddy attempted a military takeover of Knew Zulland, declaring a new monarch in the form of one Bonnie Prince Geoffie the Reluctant. The battle strategy was to challenge the royal armed forces to a winner-takes-all pillow fight. The defence forces countered this by bravely declining, thus routing the attacking force.[1]
Nuclear War for the nuclear-free New Zealand[edit]
The NWFTNFNZ, in the 1980s, involved heavy casualties. Three Kiwis, 300,669 Australians and a couple sheep died in the war that lasted a little over 46 minutes. An American nuclear battleship stationed itself off the coast of New Zealand. When the NZ Government denied it entry into port, the war began as the battleship launched a nuclear warhead, but the proudly American-made Windows military application mistook the Sydney harbour bridge for Auckland's harbour bridge. The warhead struck Sydney, resulting in the Australian death toll. The entire New Zealand death toll owes to the celebrations that followed, and excessive consumption of alcohol.
The three services[edit]
The Royal New Zealand Transport Force[edit]
“Um... where the fuck did my Skyhawk go?”
The RNZTF, Previously known as the RNZAF (Royal New Zealand Air Force), is the main transport and logistics service in the NZDF. The Royal New Zealand Transport force has a proud history of moving stuff. For air supremacy roles they usually rely on Australia to cover for them while they enjoy a 6-pack back at the base, or employ powerful loudhailers to shout slogans.
During the RNZAF days New Zilland had some of the best pilots in the world, but in 2001 the Labour government stationed in Helengrad, or 'Wellington', disbanded the combat squadrons and put the A-4 Skyhawk aircraft up for sale.
In 2007, all personnel went on strike as a result of the government not implementing plans for a tractor plane. The only pilot got his megaphone stolen by an angry Green Party activist to protest for the legalization of marijuana. The strike was quickly resolved, as the pilot got hungry and took his Toyota to the McDonald's drive-thru.
F-16s were offered to New Zealand at low-low-low export wholesale prices for one weekend only. (Sale ends midnight Sunday! Everything must go!). However, instead of replacing the air combat fleet with F-16s, the government sealed the deal because they are just so stupid and placed their Skyhawks in storage. Stupid Labour Government.
Currently, The RNZTF has:
- A couple hundred personnel
- One pilot. He still reckons the air combat force will return.
- 40 THV - RNZTF Spec, 3L Toyota Hiace vans, armed with Sidewinders and M60 machine guns on the side doors.
- One (1) charter plane, armed with GPS on special use lay-by from Dick Smith Electronics. It also has room for a Steyr to point out the window.
- A kite, done in khaki colours. It has a picture of Helen Clark sewed onto it to frighten away enemy forces.
The New Zealand Tractor Tank Assault Force[edit]
“The NZ Army is awesome, as they can make tanks from tractors, aka tractor tanks.”
The Niew Zilland Army has had the best funding in a long while – not a statistically significant percentage of GDP, but enough for an alarmed Green Party to protest outside parliament with three or four unemployed supporters. Also, the army stopped issuing guns to its soldiers as a example of cost cutting, instead providing NZ soldiers sheep to throw at the enemy.
The NZ army currently has:
- 20,000 assorted revellers
- 80 Kiwi SAS soldiers
- 50 BB guns
- 2 paintball guns
- A couple reservists, mainly fans of Dad's Army.
- One qualified dickhead who goes by the undercover name of Paddy O'Clebitch.
- 10,000 personnel, in-office administration, and other civilian trades within the army.
- 20 Hitachi Medium Excavators (NZLAV). Due to public demand for tanks, the Army's top engineers designed and built 20 NZLAVs. Essentially these are Hitachi diggers armed with bullet proof plating and a 105mm main gun.
- 500 5L V8 Landrovers. All 500 of these vehicles are assigned to bring tools and essentials to run and maintain the Hitachi Medium Excavators during combat. Chosen for their off-road capability.
- Infinite tractor tanks
All of these were called in after in a small region of the Southern Island, the local sheep claimed ownership of the region as they had a majority of 10 to 1 and were the most intelligent citizens of the land. The sheep army began marching toward Auckland until the force of the NZ army clashed with the menacing sheep. Gunfire ensued when the head sheep (known by the pseudonym 'Puffincakes') took a large bite out of one of the soldiers. The sheep then disappeared without a trace, but lamb supply in the local Woolworth's supermarket increased dramatically.
It is still said that the NZ government are merely puppets of the sheep.
[edit]
“Speakin' of naval bases, mate? You should see ours!”
“What? You mean you got your own naval base with your own boats?”
The Royal New Zealand Navy (RNZN) is built around a core of 40 third generation Kiwi Patrol Craft. The navy also operate some other boats that have no use.
The NZ Navy currently has:
- A multi-role canoe – HMNZS Wankerbury.
- A frigate (bird) – HMNZS Te Kaka.
- 40 sailors.
- One (1) operational divers unit stationed at R'totos Bar.
- One (1) reservist.
- 40 Toyota Hiluxes. These are used to transport the Kiwi Patrol Craft.
- 40 third generation Kiwi Patrol Craft. Each one is armed with a .50 caliber machine gun, 900 rounds of ammunition, ration packs including the gunners favorite drop, and a 50cc outboard. There are also a number that are equipped with armour plating, otherwise known as 'dinghys'.
- One (1) poorly-animated cut-out landing whale, with rear-mounted infuriating accent, bru. Non-re-usable in combat, it always becomes 'beached az' after landing attempts.
All attempts to make tractor boats have failed.
Future of the NZ military[edit]
The current government is looking at outsourcing all military operations to a call centre in India.
The Army is evaluating its options for the replacement of the current personnel armour system after complaints from troops about the current flannelette shirts with wooden plates and skateboard helmets. The military of NZ is at the moment gambling budget money in an attempt to gain $100 trillion dollars, so they can buy an army of robots, making Nu Zeiland's army the most advance in the world, Still, this is held back by the amount of sheep-shaped blow-up sex dolls imported by the army, making up roughly 50% of the defence force's expenditure.
Chief of Defence Force[edit]
The current chief of defence is Lieutenant General Jake "The Muss" Heke. Now in his 40-somethings, Heke was an Ex-NZSAS serviceman now turned abusive alcoholic. He received a Victoria Cross for his blindingly fast close quarter combat skills during a fight in a bar in which he achieved a whopping 345-1/4 punches per minute.
Previous chiefs[edit]
- Rear-Admiral John Maiava (1969-1989). The Samoan-born kangaroo attained the rank of Rear-Admiral due to his excellent set of skills and hands on experience.
- Transport Marshal That Guy (1999-2001). The guy we call 'That Guy', humble and honorable, often seen in his mil-spec moon TV Hyundai van, was arguably the best commander of the RNZAF New Zealand has ever had.