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“Pilots increase global warming, whereas pirates decrease it.”


A group of Pilots in their natural habitat.

Pilots (not to be confused with pielets (small tarts found in tiny liquor stores) can often be sighted in and around airports, gay bars and foreign brothels. Usually in that order. Rumored to fly planes, in reality, air navigators usually get shafted with that task. Please do not feed the animals. When the animals are fed it causes an increased risk of injury to both the animal and the flying machine, as the animal is able to then perform metabolic activities, which are not advised in planes.

A common misconception is that pilots cannot experience human emotions such as intimacy and friendship. Pilots have these feelings, but not for other people. Some have deep regards for gladiators; others express affection by wanting to "fly into a mountain" or maneuver "a train into a tunnel." The prime example, Top Gun combines a shallow plot and ponderous gay innuendo, but should have been gaily consigned to a shallow grave.

Being a pilot is a very stressful career and can often lead some to face a BIG, BIG problem. In December 1988, a pilot of a Boeing 747 flying over Lockerbie in Scotland suffered so much stress that his head suddenly exploded. The head explosion was so powerful, it caused the aircraft to break up and crash into suburbia. Pilots have since been tested for any signs of the SEHS syndrome. Air traffic control personnel are now being tested for this after a stressful afternoon at JFK Airport, which at one point became so stressful, the whole team of air traffic controllers' heads exploded simultaneously.

Due to the increased computerization of aircraft, pilots now use the excuse of terrorism to close and lock the flight deck doors shortly before takeoff and utilize the dildos each pilot is issued when they receive their pilots license. These dildos also double as personal flotation devices in case of a water landing. Other activities that pilots engage in behind locked cabin doors include anal penetration (the sole purpose of the co-pilot,) playing I-Spy (see Monty Python,) Whiskey induced hibernation, and singing Bob Seger hits. The issue of potential avionics interference caused by the singing of Bob Seger was addressed at a special FAA hearing in 2010. It was determined at the hearing that the only Bob Seger song safe for in-flight conditions was Against the Wind, but no one wanted to sing it anyways. Other songs declared unsafe for flight included Vanilla Ice's "Hard to Swallow" album, most of R.E.M. and Coldplay, and everything by Barbara Streisand.

Pilots in history[edit]

There have been famous pilots throughout history, such as Dumbo, Baloo, Snoopy, Pontious and Billy Bishop, but all were killed when the Red Baron, a formerly unheard of Venezuelan logistics private in the air force, raided their beachfront hotel. He is also a pilot.

Everyday life[edit]

When not pretending to fly airplanes and manipulating flight attendants seated on their laps, pilots affect normal lives. First year regional First Officers first receive instruction resulting at first in staggering debts. The pilots graduate to staggering between pubs begging derelicts for free beer. However pilots know they are gods and aren't afraid to show it. Many potential lays have actually spontaneously imploded when a when offered a trip to their "happy copilot." Their motto: Please don't feel the enemas. However, they have a nasty tendency to get into a ground scuffle due to their arrogant tendencies, because they are absolutely useless out of their fancy flying toys, they tend to die on the ground.

See also[edit]