Airline Manager
“Never have I seen a more destructive force on Earth than the Airline Manager, may God have mercy on our souls.”
The Airline Manager is characterized by its short stubbly hair which naturally can be of any color but is usually stained a brown excrement color from spending years of having their heads up their ass. Their thin brown lips can clamp onto any surface with a vice like grip, this is due to the Airline Managers lifelong parasitic nature of locking their lips onto the posterior of another species known as the Airline Executive. Other characteristics of the Airline Manager are a single yellow streak down their back, weak knobby knees, a weak spine which gives them a slight hunchback effect, a small skull for their species, a thin brown nose that has been malformed from spending years wedged between the butt cheeks of the Airline Executive and two eyes that are rarely used and can't see much past the end of their nose.
A close relative of the Weasel family the Airline Manager is often mistaken for the Yellow Bellied AssClown. Over the years the Yellow Bellied AssClown has worked hard both through media outlets and aggressive education to distance themselves from the Airline Manager as the Yellow Bellied AssClown does not wish to be associated with such a foul destructive creature in any shape form or fashion, unfortunately for them, both appear very similar with the only exception being the location of the yellow streak. On the Yellow Bellied AssClown the streak is down the front and on the Airline Manager the yellow streak is ALWAYS down their back.
Habitats[edit]
"May God forgive our people for unleashing this plague upon this paradise. Born by the horrors of war, accepted by ignorance and propagated by shame, I would give my life if I thought it would rid our world of this abomination. I apologize to my fellow Germans and beg your forgiveness, I am sorry I can't go on......" - Adolph Hitler on his admission that the Airline Manager being of German origin, Nuremburg 1934.
The origins of the modern Airline Manager come from the Bavarian area in southern Germany, but until recently had not known of their true origins, fortunately, recently declassified documents suggest that the modern Airline Manager may have been the result of German biological warfare experiments during World War I. Those records indicated that a large batch of poison gas escaped from a manufacturing plant in Munich and drifted over a southern German Weasel breeding farm, not much is known past that as the German government failed to follow up on the environmental impact from the leak, but sketchy local reports have lead researchers to believe that it was this incident that helped mutate the Airline Manager into their current form.
Unfortunately for the world, it appears that the Airline Managers ability to survive in any ecosystem has allowed them to encroach into every corner of the world, their natural ability to adapt to any climate has allowed them to breed uncontrolled to the point that they are beginning to drive off many native species in parts of North America and Europe. As destructive as the Airline Manager is to any ecosystem, some native species seem to fare better than others as they try to co-exist with the Airline Manager. The species that has suffered the most by the overpopulation of the Airline Manager is the more intelligent but less adaptable Airline Employee. As the Airline Manager encroaches into what has historically been Airline Employee habitats, the Airline Manager's habit of destroying the workplace, overbreeding, creating foul methane gas like emissions, tendency to run in packs, excessive coffee drinking, lack of morals, ethics and a conscious and their complete lack of vision, insight and common sense consumes the Airline Managers environment in a matter of months leaving a devastated, barren, chaotic, lifeless workplace that the Airline Manager feels most comfortable in. Unfortunately, for the Airline Employee, this environment is catastrophic and drives off the Airline Employee in droves. Unlike the Airline Employee, the Corporate Lawyer and Auto Mechanic have been able to not only adapt to the encroachment of the Airline Manager, but thrive and multiply in almost every ecosystem where the Airline Manager has taken over.
The destruction left in the wake of as little as 2 Airline Managers can take decades to repair and rarely has any positive impact on the environment they invaded, however, for all their destructiveness the government has found a way to utilize their destructive power. Unable to stop them for now, the government has decided to use their abandoned breeding grounds as nuclear waste sites with the only difference being that the half life of much of the commercial nuclear waste has a half-life of 100,000 years, where as the the average time for an ecosystem to recover from a full blown Airline Management invasion is 150,000 years. For more information on the devastating results of the Airline Manager and their co-dependent species the Airline Executive please read the sad histories of:
- Braniff Airlines 1, 2 and 3
- Eastern Airlines
- Vanguard Airlines
- Pan AM
- Trans World Airlines
- Legend Airlines
- Independence Air
- Value Jet
History[edit]
The Airline Manager was identified as early as 1920 and is believed to be a result of WW I, but scientists believe that they probably existed in another form as far back as the Dinosaurs. Recent DNA testing has linked the Airline Manager to several extinct species that intermixed with the Airline Manager, it is believed that when the Airline Manager breeds outside their own species there is a 97 percent chance that the offspring will be sterile and if that were not bad enough, it is also believed that only the Airline Managers negative DNA traits are passed onto the offspring, (By negative, scientists are referencing traits that effect survivability of the intermixed species. Airline Managers appear comfortable being stupid, ignorant, gutless, spineless, hated, hypocritical, deceitful, lying and cowards, however when other species are imbued with these traits they rarely survive as most species have some redeeming value, without it they are quickly wiped out by either starvation or failure to propagate, it appears that the Airline Manager is the only species on earth that has survived despite the fact they have absolutely no redeeming value.) Recent studies of the Airline Manager indicate that it is becoming more aggressive when it invades a new environment. Airline Managers have become so aggressive in their invasions of new ecosystems that many a unsuspecting Hiring Manager has unwittingly allowed these destructive creatures to overwhelm and quickly devastate a new work environment outside their known habitats.
Controlling the Spread[edit]
As the Airline Manager continues to breed out of control and they begin to invade every corner of our lives, scientists have recognized the need to control this destructive species before they start to wipe out indigenous species that are needed to keep Corporate America from disappearing forever. The species most devastated and in need of immediate help is the rapidly disappearing Airline Employee. The Airline Employee, once numbering in the millions, has seen a rapid decline in population in the last five years and unless someone intervenes could be completely wiped out within a decade, for the last two years scientists have petitioned to have the Airline Employee designated as an endangered species, however, a powerful lobbyist organization known as POOPMATE (Professional Organization of Professional Managing Airline Transportation Executives) has put a stranglehold on the special interest groups in Washington D.C. that control the Airline Industry. POOPMATE has spent hundreds of millions of their own dollars to put a environmental study together showing that the Airline Employee, although endangered, if allowed to repopulate poses a direct threat to the Airline Manager as it has been proven that it only takes 1 airline employee to do the work of 10 Airline Managers due to the Airline Managers extremely low intelligence and total lack of common sense. Although POOPMATE is very powerful, governments of the world cannot ignore the eventuality of allowing them to continue to overpopulate and invade unsuspecting Corporations worldwide, therefore a push by governments around the world to control the Airline Manager has produced the following methods for controlling this destructive species;
- Sterilization - The most common and humane program for controlling the Airline Manager, sterilization offers the most acceptable form of control for most Americans who view the Airline Manager as destructive, but still a living creature deserving of life. This form of population control is popular, but does have its drawbacks. Although the most humane form of population control, the Airline Manager continues to breed faster than they can be sterilized. To effectively sterilize this species would require an army of medical professionals working around the clock for years before any noticeable decline in population could be seen, add to this the Airline Managers ability to adapt and they could spread out to another species before scientists could even get this one under control making steralization a humane, but almost impossible program to use to control the spread of the Airline Manager, there are just too many breeding too quickly for this method to be truly effective.
- Catch and Release - Another popular and humane idea is the Catch and Release program. First proposed by Delaware Senator Jonas Grumby, this program proposes to Catch the Airline Manager and relocate them to a proposed planned community in the Yukon Territories known as The Eastern Braniff Vanguard flats. This planned community would be self sustained and surrounded by impassable mountains on every side. Phase one of the community would hold nearly one million Airline Managers with room for two more phases and a maximum population of 20 million. This proposal almost made it to the President for approval until everyone realized that a planned community of nothing but Airline Managers would need nearly as many support personnel for health care, education, legal services, building maintainance, public services, law enforcement, the list was endless. No one would have ever guessed that the Airline Manager was incapable of learning any other function other than draining the life blood out of not only the airlines, but the transportation industry as a whole. Just as construction was to begin on the project it was scraped and shelved as unrealistic due to the Airline Managers inability to be self supportive.
- Euthanasia - Scientists agree that the most effective form of population control is euthanasia, however, public opinion of this program is very negative and every attempt to get it approved has failed. It appears that only those within the scientific community and the airline industry recognize the long term effects of allowing this destructive species to continue uncontrolled and until the Airline Manager begins to destroy other industries it appears this particular program will never come to fruition.
- Introduction of a Natural Predator - With the success of other programs that introduced natural predators to a destructive species, a five year study was done on finding the Airline Managers natural predator. After exhaustive research and testing it was found that one species on earth appeared to have a devastating and in most cases suicidal effect on the Airline Manager. Known as the Common Sense spider, this tiny brown spider is found only in the Alpine mountains in Germany, Austria and Switzerland. The common Sense Spiders are very docile creatures and their venom has been used for centuries by locals as a way for the aging community to ward off crippling mental diseases. The venom appears to keep locals from contracting such diseases as Parkinson's, Alzheimer and dementia. Scientists recognized this miracle cure but were unable to prove the venom as a truly effective cure in controlling any disease on any wide scale basis, scientists had all but given up their research, when one fateful day, an Airline Manager stumbled into the lab where a few common sense spiders had been allowed to roam about before they were to be shipped out. Scientists were shocked to see the normally docile creatures became agitated to the point of aggression and repeatedly attacked Airline Managers whenever they were introduced into the same room, the result, upon being bitten by the common sense spider. Within seconds of being bit, the Airline Manager became confused, disoriented and went into a manic, suicidal state. Realizing they had found the Airline Managers natural enemy, scientists quickly conducted exhaustive research and discovered that the venom from the Common Sense Spider disrupted signals in the Airline Managers brain forcing them to think logically. Genetically incapable of forming a cognitive, logical thought, the Airline Manager went into a crazed suicidal frenzy and attempted to do something they had never done before, they tried to perform valuable work. At first, the thought of allowing the Common Sense Spider to control the Airline Manager outbreak in this fashion caused outrage across the world, but as scientists pointed out, the only thing that the venom effected was the part of the Airline Managers brain that controlled logical reason, it appears that the venom actually rewires the brain of the Airline Manager so that they can use the ability to think logically and form sane rational thoughts. Unfortunately for the Airline Manager, they are the only species on Earth that are incapable of reason or to think logically and when rewired to do so it causes a paradox for the Airline Manager. Genetically incapable of forming logical, sane, rational thoughts the Airline Managers brain is overloaded sending them into a suicidal frenzy of attempted work. The project, known as Project Common Sense, is awaiting Federal approval.
Identifying an Airline Manager[edit]
Modern society has allowed the Airline Manager to flourish and blend in with the native species allowing them to further decimate local native populations. This section should help those ravaged native species quickly identify the Airline Manager so they can better prepare themselves against the Airline Managers devastating effects when they move in. Aside from the obvious physical traits, the Airline Manager displays various actions and talks in very certain ways that can tip off native species to their presence. The following is a list of actions displayed by a typical Airline Manager, although the average Airline Manager may not display ALL of these traits immediately, it is important for native species to quickly identify and protect themselves from the Airline Manager before they can fully display their full range of destructive and crippling traits that destroy entire ecosystems.
- Refusal to look other species in the eyes. Due to the Airline Managers cowardice, lack of morals or ethics, their inability to tell the truth, their blind belief that they are right and everyone else is wrong and their low self esteem the Airline Manager has a very difficult time looking other species in the eyes and if forced to they will look away and eventually flee from the species that has confronted them.
- Inability to tell the truth. The Airline Manager has a very difficult time telling the truth and is an extreamly poor liar, this is due in part to the Airline Managers inability to make rational, sane, logical decisions. When confronted by a superior species about their stupidity the Airline Manager only creates a lie to justify their decision with the belief that since they are the Manager their lie should be unquestioned making the lie a truth, at least in their own mind. It is important to remember that the difference between a liar and an Airline Manager is that a liar can usually make the lie believable, where as an Airline Managers lies are so outlandish and baseless that even small children who have yet to develop logic and reason can spot an Airline Managers lie right away.
- Unable to confront failure. The Airline Managers brain is incapable of confronting their own failure so they go to irrational extreames to cover up failures or make ridiculous accusations blaming others for the Airline Managers mistakes or failures.
- Path of least resistance. The Airline Manager will ALWAYS take the easiest way out of any given situation, even if that path is illegal, immoral, irrational or even involves blaming family or friends.
- Hiding out in their office. The Airline Managers inability to properly interact or communicate with other species has led to a predictable habit of them hiding out in their office all day as to avoid complaints, complications and problems with other species. This habit is predictable and happens 100 percent of the time giving scientists an excellent visual identifier for distinguishing the Airline Manager from similar, yet less destructive species.
- Ghost news. A term used exclusively for the Airline Manager, Ghost News happens when the Airline Manager, forced to disseminate bad news that they do not want to deal with, waits until Friday night at 6 pm and sends out a bulk e-mail detailing the news and then the Airline Manager literally runs from the building before anyone has a chance to read the news and ask questions or raise concerns. In recent years as the Airline Manager has become more destructive and less useful in nature they have had a tendency to hold onto the news for weeks at a time and then disseminate it just as they are going on vacation, the hope for the Airline Manager is that by the time they return from their vacation everyone has forgotten about the bad news and won't bother them.
Individually, many of these actions do not constitute a true Airline Manager, however, as every Airline Manager has proven, they will display every one of these habits almost immediately once they move into a new environment and destroy their surroundings and eradicate every native species they come in contact with. It is sad to say that ignorance from both the Airline Executive and Airline Senior Management has allowed the Airline Manager to flourish. Scientists have repeatedly tried to educate these groups on the devastating effects caused by the Airline Manager however due to the Co-dependency of those groups on the Airline Manager they have held onto long outdated ideologies that encourage the Airline Manager to destroy native species and devastate entire ecosystems.
Deadly Legacy[edit]
Scientists have now recognized that the Airline Manager is one of the most destructive species on Earth, they attribute this to two known traits that ravage local ecosystems. Of all species on Earth, the Airline Manager has a natural ability to invade a new ecosystem and quickly consume whatever local resources exist, the native species, incapable of adapting to the reduced resources begin to either die off or they move out of the area, leaving the Airline Manager to their own accord as they continue to overpopulate and consume resources at an exponential rate. The result is either a mass exodus or die off of the native species leading the Airline Manager little choice except to move on to a new environment with fresh resources. The other trait the Airline Manager has that has allowed the wholesale destruction of entire species is their genetic ability of total immunity to every known disease on Earth. A unique genetic "flaw" in the Airline Managers brain cuts off all logic, reason, common sense and rational thought, in the case of the Airline Manager it is believed that the part of the brain that controls those functions diverts those resources to the immune system increasing it to the point of near immunity, unfortunately for the rest of the world, it is this immunity to disease and their ability to incubate those same deadly diseases that has caused some of the worlds deadliest plagues.
- Black Death II - By 1600 the Bubonic Plague that had ravaged Europe had all but disappeared, however, around 1620 the transportation trade guild allowed some "foreigners" as they called them, into the trade guild. What happened next is too long to go into detail here, however, should you be interested in the devastating results you can read the journal of Hans Van de Beek, a transportation guild scheduler and one of the few survivors of the event. It is this single event that is believed to have released the Black Death II on Europeans with sporadic outbreaks of the disease occurring for the next 200 years.
- The Pox - Simply called "The Pox" a mysterious small pox like illness decimated the population of Australia in the early 1900's, since little record keeping was done on the event there is little evidence to link it to the Airline Manager, only tribal stories handed down through generations has given clues to the origin of "The Pox". Although different tribes describe the event differently, each tribe has one overwhelming fact in common. They describe a visitor who appeared to lack any common sense, intelligence or ability to think logically. It is said the visitor insulted the locals, tried to make them pay him for his visit and then announced that the entire town was fired for insubordination and then demanded a bonus from the mayor for increasing productivity. The locals, unfamiliar with gross stupidity, arrested the foreigner and tried to talk some sense into him, the locals even tried to deport the foreigner, however, the foreigner continued to antagonize the population by yelling, "You can't do this to me, I'm untouchable, your all fired for violating harassment policy you backward aussie drunken faggots". Tired of the foreigner's constant harassment and refusal to leave he was gunned down one night by the town drunk, who was later posthumously decorated for bravery. Little is known past that, but within weeks of the mans visit "the Pox" spread rapidly and reeked havoc on the population for decades.
- IQosis - One of the more bizarre maladies caused by the Airline Manager is IQosis. IQosis is mainly a proximity type disease that occurs when a susceptible species comes within a few feet of the Airline Manager. When the susceptible species is within range of the Airline Manager it is estimated that the exposed species IQ is lowered by 1 point per minute of exposure. IQosis is not lethal if the effected species leaves the "Stupid Zone" in under an hour, however, there have been cases of irreversible brain damage and even death when a victim has remained in close proximity to the Airline Manager for more than hour. Victims of IQosis who were lucky enough to escape the "Stupid Zone" in under an hour usually will recover to their normal IQ within a week, however, repeated exposure to the Airline Manager before full recovery occurs can cause permanent damage, so it is recommended to avoid the Airline Manager's "Stupid Zone" as much as possible to avoid lowering your IQ to dangerous levels.
Here is a list of Species known to be immune from the effect of IQosis:
- Airline Executive
- Comatose Patients
- Weasels
- Lemmings
- The French
- Turkeys
- Criminally Insane
And here is a list of the most susceptible species to IQosis:
- Airline Employees
- Germans
- Mensa Society
- Scientists
- Nuclear Engineers
- uncyclohexylpiperidine