Nuremberg

“Those who fail to learn from history...are the ones I am counting on!”

~ Dick Cheney

Nuremberg is a small town in in the north of Israel, known for it's bagels. It achieved notoriety in 1948 when it was chosen as the place to hold the trial for the Nazi war criminals. It was believed that this radical change of venue would give them a shot at a fair trial, by people who had been absent from Europe at the time. It is believed that the rope making industry got it's start there, shortly after the sentences were imposed.

"Torture and murder cannot be justified by claiming one was 'just following orders'! All who do such things should be punished! Now!"

History of Nuremberg

Historically speaking, Nuremberg had it's origin as a small outpost of men and their camels called Palestinians who have lived there ever sinc...wait, my media boss just got a memo from our parent's parent corporation, UberJuden, Inc. New archaeological evidence confirms that this area was a barren wasteland until Saul Finklestein created a kibbutz here in 1947, after first evicting some pesky squatters and their camels.

Who were tried there?

Nuremberg was the place where they tried those who had committed 'Crimes against Humanity' during the 19th century western expansion of the Yankees into Indian Territory. There was some confusion as to who qualified as a Nazi, which devolved into an argument amongst Allied Forces in which they each tried to try the other. Finally the European and American powers formed NATO short for "No Amnesty To Others". It was at that point that they rounded up Germans on the basis of their racial origins, something the Americans had some practice in. (See Nisei or internment camps).

Who tried them?

A British judge with extensive experience in India presided. His augustness the Lord High Judge Lawrence J. Higginbottom III had been notable in his denial of the appeal of Mahatma Ghandi saying, "With so many starving, we should encourage those who voluntarily abstain from food." The prosecutor was the son of Belgian King Leopold, eager to ascertain whether the Nazis had broke his father's record in the Congo. The jury was made up of solely of Turks, as there were no Armenians to be found. The defense attorney was noted litigator Mao Tse Dong who pioneered the Twinkie Defense.

Volkswagen's workers celebrating the Nuremberg trial on their gruel break.

Results of the Trial

It was found that Eva Braun was the mastermind behind the Holocaust, due to her seething jealousy over Geli Raubels, a noted Jewess temptress who had slept with Hitler first. Her and her henchman, the evil genius Albert Einstein, were sentenced to hang from the neck until dizzy.

Defense attorney Mao Tse Dong put on a brave fight, remarking that he himself had killed more then the Nazis just since breakfast. However, this was unacceptable to the others, mainly for the feelings of inadequacy it gave them.

Absolved were the munition and chemical manufacturers, at least those who could show Allied investors. This was done in an attempt to encourage them to break with Socialism and embrace Capitalism. Volkswagen was punished, though. They were sentenced to give up their slaves and start selling to the mongrel races of America.

Private Heinrich "Eddie" Slovik was executed for having guarded a rail road box car that he claimed he thought was carrying pork patties. Corporal Bruno Flugenheim was executed on the grounds that he had shared the rank Hitler had in WWI and the court knew where that had led.

Several young guards of various Camps were not tried, so as to give the Mossad something to do in the seventies besides stealing Allied nuclear secrets. And something to do in the eighties besides killing Palestinians. And something to do in the nineties besides bombing Palestinians. And something to do in the noughts...

...for the love of God and all that is holy, will the last little drummer boy of the Hitler Youth please die of old age already? Yes, your Holiness Benedict, I'm talking to you!

It was at this trial that Chief Justice Earl Warren said, in the majority opinion, "It is emphatically the province and duty of this court to put on trial all those who lost a war for doing what all sides do."

Pop Cultural References

"Hey, I didn't lose a war! Uh...well, actually, maybe I kind of did. But I'm not a crook!"

"Just following orders" became quite popular with a variety of low to mid-level bureaucrats in the Western World, as they hoped that they'd be mistaken for the uber-efficient Nazis. "Hey, I didn't lose a war!" became a catchphrase meaning roughly, "you can't punish me for what I did." - the first known use of that phrase being uttered by Lt. Col. Oliver North. (Some scholars dispute this, attributing it to Nixon)

Teens made popular the derogatory slang phrase, "you Nazi bastard". In context, it is generally used to compare the evil of a mall security guard asking them not to skate board into little old ladies with the minor faux-pas of slaughtering six million Jews.

Movie Spin Offs

"The Reader" is a movie in which some dominatrix skank didn't know that killing Jews was wrong. (Hey, we've all been there) Only by the kindness of the teen she was molesting (who read to her in exchange for sex) did she educate herself into...well, nothing. Even at her trial, she still thought she was innocent. Not sure what the point of this movie was, except to show how the teen guy grew up to be a goofy guy who loved a woman enough to send her 150 personally tape recorded books for twenty years, but not enough to answer her letters or promise her a post-release sympathy fuck.

The trial of this woman involved her taking full responsibility for everything, rather then admit she couldn't read. Uh huh. Me, I don't blame her. I'd much rather have people think that I personally burned several hundred Jews alive then admit that I can't read Goethe's "Der Lederhosen ist in der Weinerschnitzel". (Hey, we've all been there)

"The Boy in the Striped Pajamas" is a movie in which a downs syndrome German kid named Uberdumkopf Junior makes friends with a kid in a concentration camp and doesn't know it. "It" being that the kid was in a concentration camp. Guess the barbed wire, roving patrols, striped prison garb and clouds of annihilated Jews clogging his mommy's sinuses didn't give it away. Of course, Fraulein Uberdumkopf didn't know either, till a hot young officer blabbed. Prompting Herr Uberdumkopf to send the officer to the Russian front. In the end, the Aryan race was cleansed when the German boy volunteered to protect the Nordic gene pool by jumping into a gas chamber with his striped pajama buddy.

Herr Uberdumkopf was subsequently put on trial for running around the camp for a half hour while his kid waited in line to be killed instead of just shutting down the showers till the kid was found.

"Schindler's List" is a movie in which some Nazi exploits Jews for years, makes himself a war millionaire, cheats on his wife, lives like a fat cat, betrays his nation's war effort, then bribes Ben Kingsley to say he was a righteous man. He succeeded with this bribe, but as Ben was playing a Jew, he required such a large bribe that it bankrupted Schindler.

He wasn't put on trial at Nuremberg, but did have to undergo an even more painful trial - divorce - in which it came out that Schindler's "list" was that of Swiss bank accounts, not Jewish workers.

"A Few Good Men" is a movie about how American soldiers are allowed to do what Nazi soldiers cannot - refuse to "just follow orders". That's why the two got convicted for "just following orders" about Code Reds. That's also why Colonel Jessup got arrested, for intelligently refusing to "just follow orders"...uh...well...oops...you see it's like this...well...okay, do you want the truth? You can't handle the truth! The truth is a soldier must always "just follow orders" or he'll be arrested, and only losers of wars are made to suffer for that which we demand that our boys do! Truth is, deep down in places that you don't want to see, you want me to waterboard, you NEED me to waterboard....

Legal Precedents and Ramifications

Nuremberg was notable for establishing the concept that soldiers and citizens are expected to refuse to obey unlawful orders. This led to the Americans quick exit from Vietnam in 1962 as a result of the government refusing to institute the draft on the grounds that it would violate the precedents established at Nuremberg. This did not sit well with some, who felt that blind obedience to any order was more proper. These radicals, called Hippies demanded increased military presence in Vietnam, and were notable for their clean cut appearance and stated desire to kill babies.

The desegregation of America and the passage of the Civil Rights Act of 1949 was also due to Nuremberg, when it became impossible to get any police officer to arrest a black person just because his racist Sheriff ordered it.