Jennifer Connelly

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Jennifer Lynn Connelly (born December 12, 1970) is an American film actress who is famous for specializing in sad or otherwise despondent facial expressions. These are largely found in the most recent additions to her filmography; Requiem for a Solvent Induced Haze, House of Foggy Windows and the frequent brooding angsty moments in A Beautiful Cerebral Disposition. She also specializes in playing the love interest of mad scientists such as Bruce Banner (Hulk), and John Nash (A Beautiful Mind).

She is also renowned for her impressive eyebrows, which have been found by a recent study to occupy a different eco-system.

Connelly is also well known for frequenting piers, indeed her contracts include a clause stating at least one scene must involve her stood on a pier a melancholy expression stamped on her features. This has resulted in occasional disputes, such as her backing out of the Ione Skye romp Say Nothing.

The Earliest Years[edit]

Jennifer began acting properly in a phenomenally long, dramatic, epic film known as Once Upon a Time in Despondency. The film was so long half of it's length had to be fed to the rats who frequented the hulking sound stage established for the film that existed for the ten years it took to commit the colossus to film. Connelly generally spent the role exercising her superior command of language for an eleven year old to the rest of the juvenile cast members.

It was here she originated an expression of smug amusement at the folly of man's persistent struggle for elevation of purpose. That and prancing about in an attempt to be a ballerina due to the unfounded belief she was the singular reincarnation of the Imperial Russian ballet corps.

This epic eventually formed the basis for a career compromising similar films consisting of similar wide-eyed characters, because after a long period of accepting any work thrown at her by in a period known in the thespian world as 'stardom desperation' she began opting for serious drama which has resulted in her receiving offers for nothing other than suicidal, depressed, tragic female characters in their late twenties/early thirties (previously casting directors believed she was college age for a period of ten years) which has resulted in a severe case of pigeon holing.

Once Upon A Time in Despondency was followed by Phenomena (1985), a film by Dario Argento infamous for his films that have been claimed to be more bloody and gruesome than a Hollywood board meeting. Phenomena involved excessive slime and grisly casts of human skulls and Jennifer Connelly being catapulted into them, all the while maintaining an expression of fixed disinterest.

This was followed by arguably one of her best known masterpieces, Labyrinth(1986). Also known as It's David Bowie in Tights! Singing this film appears to be something on an anomaly on the consistency chart recording the 'I'm a serious dramatic actress!' inclinations of her early career, being a film that many would argue was an excuse for Jim Henson to cram as many miscellaneous muppets and David Bowie in a large hair extensions into a huge sound stage whilst jigging along to catchy pop melodies.

The In Betweeny Years[edit]

After Labyrinth, Connelly found an interest in grunge music and spent long periods of time in her parent's cellar accompanied only by her recordings, ignoring requests to rejoin the education system and thereby reintegrate fully with society, a demand she finally subsided to in 1988.

A later film, Etoile (1988), returned to Connelly's ballet associations. In the film Connelly played the role of an all American teenager drugged into believing she was the reincarnation of Russian prima ballerina Mathilde Kschessinska so as to participate in a Starlight Express come classical ballet revival of Swan Lake. The film was savaged in private by critics over their mounting frustration for being utterly incapable of spelling the name when attempting to write reviews, as a result the film received no reviews and grew extremely depressed before committing suicide in 1989.

The Roaring Nineties[edit]

The Nineties went through a period of films of questionable moral substance. Including films where she wore less than what are accepted to be an noncriminal offense beginning a trend that would spread over a decade long period before mysteriously coming to an end upon her marriage, to the hulking English actor commonly perceived to be either a homicidal gangster or a murderous albino monk, yes, Paul Bettany. No, not Rasputin.

There have been recent disputes over Bettany's identity, with a variety of individuals including passport control and his three year old son claiming he is in fact Darth Vader.

After clawing her way up on the ladder of work, graduating from TV movie to indie angst romp Far Pier, her personal favorite of her entire film retinue. The heart warming plot involved a plucky yuppie twenty something (Connelly) intent on saving her favorite historic piers from destruction at the hands of the menacing local planning authority (Ian Mckellen). These thematic elements resulted in 90% of the film taking place in or around the general vicinity of an impressive showcase of historically listed piers. The feature involved yet more of those unforgettable facial expressions, including the memorable 'Mega Angst 5000' as well as the infamous 'Distant gaze 360.'

The Starlight Express Years[edit]

Connelly was lucky enough to choose two 'dramas' for the dawn of the new millennium. One being the most depressing, artsy, let's use every single editing technique ever realized, Requiem for a Solvent Induced Haze, wherein Connelly portrayed a junkie who spent long periods of time either hungering for drugs or consuming them as well as the highly acclaimed A Beautiful Cerebral Disposition. In this film she and Russel Crowe acted characters who bonded through various cultured situations whenever Crowe's decided not to revert to a state of chronic mental instability. It was here she won an Oscar, the heads of boards believing her increased versatility as an actress (three emotions instead of the previous two, excessive hand wringing being an addition to miserable and aloof) was deserving of recognition.

Things have been rising on the Connelly scale ever since, with marriage, birth of a second child, and lingering around Leonardo DiCaprio following the even more phenomenally depressing, House of Foggy Windows. She has also been accused of anorexia, a claim that haunts the greater majority of high profile actresses that results in thoughtful, intellectual debate articles in OK! magazine attempting to settle Connelly's weight issues.

A film involving stop motion and her husband is to follow, with them apparently moving to a small English village and learning a mood of fearful isolation for a year in preparation for their roles. Speculation suggests the Stop Motion menaces may be known respectively as Wallace and Gromit.