Nightwish
| Nightwish | |
|---|---|
 The Nightwish Lineup from 2007-2012
| |
| Background information | |
| Origin | Middle-Earth |
| Genre(s) | Opera with Rocks/Rock with Rocks |
| Members | |
| Tuomas Holopainen Emppu Vuorinen Jukka Nevalainen Marco Hietala Floor Pipes | |
| Former members | |
| Tarja Turunen That Sami guy Anette Olzon | |
“Ego-selfish Prima Donnas”
“Tuomas stole my persona”
“There is only one thing worse than being Finnish, and that is not being Finnish. Fortunately, all of Nightwish's members are Fin... oh.”
“Tuomas is a real poet. Although, I do especially like Marco's line in Planet Hell... It went something like "ARGHARFRAGAIRY!!!"...Yeah, that was it.”
Nightwish is a five and a half person representation of the life of Tuomas Holopainen, soon to be a feature length film. Founded in 1996, by Holopainen (then aged eight) and a couple of other less important members, Nightwish first achieved international success in 2005 when they controversially fired their lead singer. In 2007, their existence was once again acknowledged through the appointment of Anette Olzon as lead vocalist, a decision proving to dislodge the final lynchpin of civil unrest and anarchy between Nightwish fans. Much internet credibility and Danish pastry has been lost in the years following, although a recent report into the drama of the Nightwish saga has suggested that nobody actually gives a crap.
Oh yeah, and they sometimes make music.
Beginnings[edit]
Being a country of few people (approximately 12) and little to do, Finland has a habit of causing hallucinations in those that drink from its water. One such hallucination appeared to young Tuomas on one particularly drunken night in 1896. Tuomas, who was being accompanied by his 547-year old elven minion, Yomppu, fell to his knees and proclaimed that Walt Disney had appeared before him and instructed him to form a musical group, the likes of which no mortal man had ever come across before. However, before Yomppu had time to react to this bout of madness, Tuomas had fallen under a deep stupor. On his way to the floor, Tuomas crushed poor Yomppu and fell into a 100-year slumber. Yomppu died, tragically.
A century later, when Tuomas was awoken by true love's first kiss, or rather, a mandolin-playing descendant of Yomppu, named Emppu, the madness had not yet appeared to pass. Just as Tuomas was about to explain his vision to the fair-headed elf, a gigantic white fish leapt ferociously out of one of Finland's many lakes, threatening to gobble up Emppu's head. Emppu, already being only 3'9 (considered quite tall for an elf) could not afford to lose any more height and was about to be subject to a brutal, watery death, when Tuomas intervened, shouting "WHITE FISH!". Due to Tuomas' strong Finnish accent, and Emppu's poor grasp of the English language, the phrase "Nightwish" was born. The newly-found best friends immediately formed a band, and acquired two other members from a local carnival, an opera singer dressed up as a banana and a stick-banging ninja, who quite unusually was born with a bandana instead of hair.
Four years later, Tuomas thawed out an ancient Viking warrior, named Marco the Wielder of Socks and Sandals, who had been frozen in glacier ice for approximately 1300 years. Marco spared the band members their lives and agreed to play the electronic bass guitar on the grounds that he could invade, rape and pillage British villages whenever he pleased.
And so Nightwish was complete.
The Fall[edit]
The true story of how Tarja came to be fired from Nightwish is one of much speculation.
Tuomas' Perspective: "Tarja never listened to what I told her. Neither did she read what I wrote her or listen to what we played. Far too often, I felt that she let in what the world said. I feel that we came a long way just to feel her hatred, and were eventually just pawns in the game. How blind can she be? Doesn't she see? She's chosen the long road, but we'll be waiting. Also, she went off with that Argentinian bloke. I didn't like him. He thought he was prettier than me."
Tarja's Perspective: "Later, alcoholics."
Emppu's Perspective: "Tarja never treated me like a real person. Eventually the midget jokes just got too much."
Jukka's Perspective: "I think we might have had a bit too much to drink that night. Tuomas and I were sat around drinking Finnish vodka when we decided to send out a few prank hand-written letters. We might have accidentally fired our lead singer."
Marco's Perspective: "PILLAGE! RAPE! FIRE!"
Marcelo's Perspective "I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling kids"
Nightwish Idol[edit]
Following Tarja's departure, the remaining members of Nightwish came to realise that they no longer had a female member and that the lack of two X chromosomes would be a severe disadvantage in the aesthetic promotion of future records. To add to this, Tuomas would not be able to pass as a girl for very much longer, since he had a beard. It was therefore decided that auditions for the lead vocalist would have to be held. During this time, tensions within the band reached a peak, mainly due to Tuomas' persistent attempt to audition for the role using various different disguises. Eventually, due to the fact that a substantial proportion of the Finnish population was already in Nightwish, the try-outs were taken to the next closest country: Sweden. It was here that a middle-aged mother accidentally found her way into the audition room, skipping merrily whilst simultaneously constructing a daisy chain. Upon first sight her, it was clear that she could not be a frontwoman for Nightwish - she was over 30 and had blonde hair. However, before any one of the other members of the band could protest, Tuomas had brutally attacked her with black hair dye and a denim mini-skirt. The transition was complete.
2012, Anette Leaves[edit]
With the passage of time, the Nightwish boys began to grow sick and tired of Anette's excuses at not joining them for sauna bonding time ("sorry, I'm planning to give birth that day"). Finally, after receiving an unmissable opportunity to write hourly blog posts about clothes, Anette announced her departure for pastures new. For the remainder of the tour, the band asked the floor to take her place. The floor, being a solid presence at 100% of Nightwish shows so far and therefore used to being walked all over by fans/the band, kindly obliged.
2013, Permanent Floor and Pipe Installation[edit]
After Anette's permanent departure, the remaining members of Nightwish had to think long and hard about how they could make the Nightwish vessel more durable, particularly in the female department. Tuomas, particularly, took the loss of another female singer particularly hard, stating to Metal Hammer - "I think other women just feel threatened by me." Deciding that taking another five years to find another lead singer would begin to push some of the remaining members into retirement, Tuomas turned his attentions to new sources of inspiration for where to find band members. After one particularly satisfying peruse of an Interior Design magazine, he reached an epiphany. "Floors and pipes! All houses have floors and pipes!"
After explaining the advantages of having floor and pipes as permanent members of Nightwish (no arguing, a lot more insulation, better water passage), the guys, plastered on vodka, were inclined to agree. They had learnt to stop disagreeing with a man, whose only wish in life was "to become a real manboy" a long time ago. The floor and pipes were thus installed as fifth and sixth members of Nightwish. Their comments on internal band affairs remain withheld.