Paul Daniels
| Warlock of the Ancient Society of British Magicks; Light Entertainer | |
| |
| Lord Sir Paul Daniels | |
|---|---|
| Classification | Bald Warlock |
| Position | 'Big Willie' style |
| Weapon | Debbie McGee Staff of Titus Manganese-Dihydro-Phosphorous Golems |
| Serves | Her Britannic Majesty, Grand Council of Ancient Society Of British Magicks |
| Seeks | Witches with GSOH |
| In it for | kicks. |
“Not a lot!”
“Now that's magic!!”
“That's more like it!”
The Lord Sir Paul Daniels (Warlock of the Ancient Society of British Magicks) is a television wizard from post-Medieval Britain known for his modesty and stature. Initially more famous for his hilarious toupée and sexually-explicit relationship with his assistant (the "lovely" Debbie McGee) he became a household name for revealing the dark arse of warlock magick on British television (with the help of the "lovely" Debbie MacGee) in front of millions of astonished and appalled nominally-Christian viewers in the 1980s. Now that it is the early 21st century and political correctness from Brussels has meant that all Britons are pagans his show would not be considered so shocking.
Sinister Life Story[edit]
The Lord Daniels was born Paul Daniel in Surrey[1] sometime in the 19th century. His mastery of the dark arts was apparent from an early age when scoldings from teacher would cause lightning to explode from Paul's eyes, striking the tetchy teacher dead. His powers were noted by the Ancient Society Of British Magicks who bestowed-upon him the right to end his surname with an "s". Although Daniels has the title "Warlock" in the ASBM he prefers the more "general" title of "Wizard" in his day to day life: "Warlock has sinister connotations and sends a chill down the spine" says the bald magician, "But since I often work with children, I prefer to call myself just "wizard" which is homely and comforting thanks to the like of Dumbledore, even though he's a queer." It was a mere step from this honour and power to primetime exposure on BBC1.
Lord Daniels is known primarily for inventing every magick trick known to mankind including the cup and balls, the balls and cup, the cup of balls and the cupping your balls trick. He also invented sawing a lady in half with his enormous weapon, vanishing any object conceivable and walking through the pile of mugs (also known as the "fooling the Directors of the BBC into giving you so many tv series that really were crap" trick).
Television[edit]
Paul's first foray into television was the late-night TV classic Paul Daniels' Magick Show. This show has become notorious as the most occult TV show since Pebble Mill with Aleister Crowley. In this show, Daniels demonstrated his dark powers by creating a golem copy of Jeremy Beadle and loosing it on the astonished audience whilst screaming that it would "do [his] bidding!"[2] as well as summoning things too horrible to be spoken of here. Despite the considerable controversy created by this show (including the Archbishop of Canterbury demanding that "the BBC's sinful studios be doused in holy water!") it gave Daniels his foothold in the British light entertainment clique and allowed him to move onto what he'd always wished he could be doing during his long, cold nights in forgotten graveyards: gameshows!
Daniels was soon hosting Out Odd Ones, Every Second C*nts and the "phantasmagoric" Wipeout. So ubiquitous was Daniels' hosting of gameshows, in fact, that people often forgot he was a wizard first and foremost. He soon put a stop to this by occasionally throwing fireballs from his fingertips at stroppy contestants or audience hecklers.
In 1987, Daniels returned to magic proper and hosted a controversial Hallowe'en magic show one-off in which he performed the "sawing the lady in half" trick on then-Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. Half-way through the act, a shocked-looking Daniels watched bright-red blood[3] spurt from one of the two "halves" and the screen went black whilst the floor manager was heard asking the audience to leave. After the following programme Daniels appeared again to confess the whole thing was a trick and that Thatcher remained alive. The BBC were barraged with complaints from viewers who claimed they were "shocked", "sickened" and "traumatised" by the revelation that Thatcher was still alive.
In 1989 the now Sir Paul (see below) returned with Sir Paul Daniels All-New Necromancy Show, an early Saturday evening family show where Sir Paul re-animated the corpses of famous celebrities who joined him for some 'banter' and performed classic routines. The show only ran for a single series, however, as the audiences were frequently sick at the smell which permeated the studio and the fifth show in the series had to go to the testcard after the grinning cadaver of Fred Astair attempted to tapdance in a rotting old top hat causing "pieces of the late entertainer to fly everywhere".
He later moved into children's television with Wizbit, a jolly romp about a Lovecraftian horror which invaded the lives of a group of children. Daniels contribution[4] was to rap on the theme tune about how Wizbit could "do magic, magic, magic"; it was quite tragic, tragic, tragic.
In the mid-90s, having been removed "with extreme prejudice" from the Saturday night BBC1 schedules the Lord Daniels managed to get back onto television with a show called Secrets which was broadcast from a fake nightclub where Daniels performed magick for an audience of drunks and whores who had wandered into the studio from the rain and heroin-soaked London streets. The tricks he performed on this show were "particularly disturbing and phantasmagorical" according to one eyewitness which meant they had to be censored with a large black rectangle when broadcast, hence the name of the show. "If you enjoyed it, write to the BBC!" Daniels screamed at the camera whilst rolling his eyes at the end of the last episode. Nobody did except a "Mr. Lord Reith" whose handwriting was identified as that of the "lovely" Debbie McGee.
In December 2009, Sir Paul (for it is he) suffered from chest pains and was rushed to hospital. Sadly he survived the ordeal.
Famous Delusions[edit]
Daniels career was set in stone after performing a number of delusions on his TV specials.
In 1981 he made the Statue of Liberty disappear live on American network CBSBBC[5]. According to the Mr Daniels' magical consultant, the Masked Magi, his assistants shoved it all the way up his arse.
In 1982 the great Sir Lord and Lady Paul Daniels (for it was he), made a Learing Jet vanish. 'I circled it with my ego, and it just vanished' said Daniels after the show.
In 1983 he flew over the Grande Canyon (an 'all you can eat' themed pub) in Buckinghamshire while the great 'I'm a Lady' McGee (for it was she) wailed "Holding Out For Heroin" in the shower. Sadly the wires holding him in place didn't snap despite the best efforts of Ali Bingo Bongo-Bongo to sabotage the act and Daniels arrived safely, joining the McGee for a quick soap-up and some glue to stick his wig back on.
In 1984 Mr Daniels (for it was still he) predicated in advance the winning numbers of the Chilean National Pottery Draw[6]. Mr Daniels won a nice glazed vase now on show in the Magi Wizbit Museum for Inflated Egos. Mr Derren Black, a rival magikican urged the Daniels not to get all the numbers right, but Paul Daniels' hearing aid had broken and he didn't hear a word.
In 1985, Mr Viscount Sir Lord Daniels (yup still him) decided to take a break. "All these delusions are exhausting." he said, mopping his bald head with a dirty napkin "Some magicians can get away with doing a routine with a cup and a ball for half an hour while taking the piss out of the audience. However, I wouldn't dream of patronising my audience. It takes minutes to come up with some of these TV specials". In the same year he was honoured by the Council of Unified National Talent for services to Lame Game Show History, although he refused to accept their honour, calling them "shits".
In 1986 Sir Paul Daniels (knighted for services to syrup of figs), won a lifetime achievement award from the Carshalton Beeches Circle for Delusions of Grandeur. He keeps this in a secret room in his mansion, bathed in a pale light.
In 2007 the Lord Sir Paul Daniels performed a "horrible" magic show at Edinburgh's famous The Edinburgh Festival. Nobody came and an angry Lord Paul was seen storming into one of the box offices and turning all of the staff into cockroaches. One onlooker descriped the scene as "like something out of Lord of the Rings" with the ageing warlock "throwing magical bolts from his bony fingertips and laughing in a needlessly-insane manner". Despite being arrested for this criminal use of magic, he got off on a technicality.
Private Life[edit]
During the darkest '80s, Daniels married his assistant, the "lovely" Debbie McGee, with whom he had been enjoying predominately-natural physical relations for many years. McGee revealed that on their first date she had tried to ruffle Paul's hair only for his obvious toupée to come off revealing his smooth bald plate. Daniels attempted to cover this up by declaiming "Now that's magic!" which made McGee laugh uncontrollably because of her hysteria "problem".
Despite his fame, fortune and amazing wizard skills not everything was glorious for him. Between the years 92-98, unbeknown to his fans or even his wife, he often leapt around his underground lair exclaiming "Look at me I'm half man three quarters cat!" at his reflection in a seven-foot mirror. He has since acknowledged that it probably wasn't the best way to spend time but still remains fond of cats.
Opinions[edit]
Despite no one actually asking him to, Daniels insists on regaling the world with his opinions.
“I can't stand them, bloody tramps. Sometimes they try and grasp at my starched white cuffs when I'm stepping into my limo and make cards fall out. I've tried asking the police to shoot them but they just look at me as if I'm crazy.”
“Send the lot of them home. Bloody coming over here stinking of curry, stealing our jobs and seducing our women with their bubble-gum, stockings and bars of chocolate, while our brave lads are away working on oil rigs.”
“She's nominal head of the Ancient Society Of British Magicks. I basically have to do anything she says, even if it's degrading and sexual. You have my number, your majesty.”
“I'd like to refute the accusations in The Sun that I said 'I was the greatest magikician in the world'. Unfortunately I can't refute it as it's true.”
“That mad fucking witch! And she is a witch! She actually holds that title in the ABSM, several levels under "warlock" I might add; that means she has to make me tea when she comes round. Which is never”
“Jesus was just a cheap conjurer, it's all a lot of bollocks. Except Cthulhu, of course. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu!”
Things Paul Daniels shouts during sex[edit]
- "Say "Yes, Paul"!"
- "You'll like this, but not a lot!"
- "Now that's magic!!"
- "It'll all be over in a jiffy."
See also[edit]
Footnotes[edit]
- ↑ Probably. To be honest, we're not sure. He could have been born in Zimbabwe for all anyone knows or cares. His father is thought to be the famous magick trick man David Nixon of Dock Green. Wizards are secretive about their origins.
- ↑ This golem has never been captured and destroyed although it's rumoured that it was acquired by ITV's special agents and used to replace the actual Beadle for several episodes of You've Been Framed. It's said you can tell the golem "because of the join at the neck".
- ↑ This was an error which gave the game away for some viewers - Thatcher, of course, has pitch-black blood
- ↑ Oh, all right, there was a bit in each episode where Daniels would pop up to do a cheap parlour trick and then chuckle "now that's magic!" but do you think that added much to the programme? No, neither did our panel
- ↑ It stands for Columbian Broadcasting Station Brilliant Bastard Coffee
- ↑ First prize, not being executed