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“...I can still ride them, right?”

~ Churchill

“...What is wrong with you?”

~ Everyone on the author of this article

“They're the black sheep of the family”

~ Gaudior on Penicorns

“A straight man never plays leapfrog with a penicorn.”

~ Tibetan Proverb

This was painted around four hundred years ago. Only the virgin can tame the penicorn. They actually had virgins back then.

The Penicorn[edit]

The Penicorn is a majestic, rare, and pretty pretty creature, found only in scarce parts of the world, including the islands of Tahiti and Lesbos. They can also be found on RAINBOWs, but are difficult to capture this way unless your mom sits on the rainbow and makes skittles come out, in the process destroying the symbol of God’s vow to never abuse us again.

Excessive hunting has made the penicorn even more rare as of late, as the horn is said to have magical properties, enabling things once thought possible only in fantasy books, such as the female orgasm.

The rare horn of a penicorn. Hey, that rhymes. Cool.

Exactly what is a penicorn?[edit]

Penicorns for president.

Penicorns and unicorns share a similar abnormality. Both of them are horses with something on their head. The difference can be found in the beginning of their names. Unicorns, as the name implies, have unitards on their heads. Penicorns, on the other hand, have pennies penisi sticking out of their head. This causes the penicorn to get an erection whenever it thinks too much.

It's kind of like how Pinocchio's nose grew whenever he lied. There were huge disagreements during the making of the Pinocchio movie. Seems they thought it would be far more accurate if Pinocchio (a boy MADE of wood) would have a penis for a nose. Back in those days, a penis-nose was considered slightly risque, so they gave him a regular nose that grew. This was really a raging boner cleverly disguised. Oh those filmmakers!

Other differences between unicorns and penicorns[edit]

The principle difference between the two is personality. While mythology tells us that unicorns search out the unjust and skewer them through the heart with their horn, penicorns prefer to do things slightly differently. First of all, even the most erect of penicorns wouldn’t try to stick their phallus completely through a human, especially when there’s already pre-made holes. Second, penicorns prefer to actually make a little sin. They especially love wild orgies where they can show up to the party wearing only a tight thong over their heads so they can make their bulges look bigger.

This is what a regular unicorn looks like. Not too trustworthy, eh? Fuck 'em.

One time I saw a penicorn take X, Yeah the variable the drug, so you know they’re down with shit and stuff.

Feeding a Penicorn[edit]

Oh, they’ll eat anything you like, baby.

It has been rarely seen, but the penicorn sometimes feeds on it's own fluid. This white, sticky substance leeks out of the top part of the penicorn. This saucy liquid is highly nutricious and makes the penicorn happy inside :)

“ Seriously. They will. ”

~ Walt Whitman

Penicorns and the adult film industry[edit]

Let’s face it. Horses have huge wangs. What lady wouldn’t want to be slapped in the face with that kind of man horse meat? Add an equally potent penis on their head, and you’re talking about a new money maker in the bestiality industry. This new form of pornography is best described in the following limrick.

Long ago, 'fore I was born,
There lived the fabled Penicorn.
He starred in smut
I know not what.
They called the films "uniporn."

Note that the term “uniporn” should not be confused with unicycle porn, or this.
Let’s just hope news of the peninarwhal never gets out. God, will it ever end?

Are you turned on yet?[edit]

Well? Are you? Sizzle.

Are penicorns real?[edit]


“Do you know, I’ve always thought that penicorns were fabulous monsters too? I never saw one alive before! ‘Well, now that we have seen each other,’ said the penicorn, ‘if you believe in me, I’ll believe in you…I’m horny. Get it?’”

~ Lewis Carroll

Lewis Carroll never lies.

Important people influenced by Penicorns[edit]

See Also[edit]

Original Idea