New Age Psychology

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Our fully trained practitioners are here to help you reach your full potential, and allow us to charge you for your transformational pain.

“New Age Psychology isn't just about worthwhile pasttimes such as pottery making, practicing Reiki or manufacturing faux Native American beaded necklaces. We shouldn't lose sight of the people. The people with their large, disposable incomes.”

~ Noel Coward on New Age Psychology

Have you ever felt like something was wrong? Have you ever had any trouble doing anything? Is there anything you want that you can't have?

Shit! I answered yes to all of these!

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are a failure at life. But it's OK. You don't have to stay where you are now, continually wallowing in a putrid pool of your own worthlessness, misery, piss and despair. I can help you!

What can I do to get out of this puddle!?

Well look no further, I have the solution, and it's called New Age Psychology.

Holy Shit! Tell me more!

Alright! New Age Psychology is the newest and oldest philosophy on earth.

How does that work?!?!?

Settle the fuck down and let me talk and you'll learn!

It's the newest because I just created it last week, and I based on new research in the fields of Quantum cheddardynamics or a similar field you don't know anything about.

It's the oldest because I mix that new research with some old Eastern religion like 'Zen Buddhism' or something.

But it sounds like you just made this stuff up!

"In order to reach a Transcendent state of happiness, you must understand all 3 of these Aspect Circles and live within the Power Zone in the Middle"
"So the key to extrapolating your key earnings potential, is to refocus your mental energies on your Life Goal. And to buy more of my tapes. Mainly, to buy more of my tapes......"

Nonsense. Nothing could be further from the truth. Quantum Cheddardynamics, for example, was founded by a Nobel Prize Winning physicist by the name of Johannes Friedburger, who said that all reality was really a figment of our imagination, so all we had to do was imagine a better life and we'd have it.

So I could just imagine it on my own, for free, and make it happen by myself?

No, you fucking idiot! You need to attend a bunch of my group therapy sessions and learn how to refocus your Chi Energy down the center of your omnipresent...being. Or something.

Wow, I've vaguely heard of some of this stuff! It must be true!

Indeed it is. The other key part of New Age Philosophy is Zen Buddhism, the world's oldest religion.

That makes it sound real important!

That's because it is. You know that actor you love, Richard Gere?

I don't really like him that much...

Yeah? Well he's a rich movie star and you wallow in your own piss.

Oh, I guess he's sort of OK then.

Good. Yeah, he's Buddhist. If it's good enough for him, it's good enough for you. Hell, anything would be good enough for you.

I guess you're right...

So How Does New Age Psychology Work?

Basically, all you have to do is come to my group seminars and listen to my books on tape. I've made it very easy so even idiots like you will have no problem completing the whole course. I don't even sell books because, let's face it, if you could read, you wouldn't be talking to me right now.

I sure as hell wouldn't be!

Hey, do you want me to fix your every problem or not?


Damn right you are. Probably about as sorry as your mom is for not aborting you.

What did you say?



Back to the course. Every Saturday for a month you'll have to miss your gun shows or incest rallies or whatever creatures like you do on Saturdays to come to one of my seminars at your local hotel, motel, or, likely in the case of this shitty town, strip club.

That's where I am every Saturday anyway!

Surprise, surprise. So basically, you just show up and listen to me talk for 2 hours, buy my tapes, and all the problems in your life will be solved.

How does that work?

Magic? How the hell should I know? Just trust me, it works. I've got scientific articles that you're too stupid to read and paid-testimonials backing me up. My methods have been tested in science labs all around the world. Over, like, 350 times, or something like that. A lot of times. It's been proven by every one.

So it's scientifically proven?

Yeah, of course! Scientists basically view it like gravity, nowadays. You know, it's pretty much scientific fact. It's called, uhh, Quantum Relativistic...Subjectival Problem Fixing. It's legit.

Ok. Sounds good. So listening to you talk will take my kids out of that foster home and find me true love?

The fuck do you think I am, Jesus? In your case, it might inspire you to stop drinking lead paint for fun. That would be a good start.

You could do that with just a seminar!?

Yeah, sure, whatever.

Can you let me see some of these testimonials?

You actually want to hear one? OK. Uhhh, there was this guy, uhhh, Joe. Joe. Who, uhh, looked a lot like you, only he was less fat (not saying much), and he came to like 10 of my meetings and paid me $10,000 dollars, and then he uhh, became a rich businessman with 3 wives and doubled his penis length.


I shit you not. Look it up.


How the hell should I know? I'm a self-help psychologist, not a fucking library.

I didn't think you looked like one.

Yeah... That George Bush guy, you voted for him right?

Yeah! I like him 'cuz he wants to beat the tar out of them homosexuals whose tryin' to steal our women!

Right. Well, he came to me for help kicking his alcohol addiction. Look at him now! He's President!

You mean you could make me President?!

You? Maybe of some shitty country like Latvia or something. I could probably do that. All you have to do is buy my collection of 48 books on tape, for the low price of $1999.95 dollars. You get such classics as:

So What if Your Dad Beat You? He Wasn't Your Real Dad Anyway!
'Sorry' is just another way of saying 'I'm a Pussy'
There are no Refunds in life (Or in this seminar)
It's Not Your Fault: You're just a moron.
Wow, I've never heard of those before but they sound like they'll help me a lot. What was that about refunds?

Err, nothing.

So How Much Will This Cost?

Your soul. Just kidding. I don't want that maggot-infested thing anyway. Just clearing out your bank account should be fine.

Bank account?

You don't have a bank account?

Is a bank like a library?

In that it's a building you've never been in, yes. Other than that, no. Listen, if you don't have any money I can't help you out.

So you mean I'm going to have to wallow in piss for the rest of my life?!

Maybe. You will until you either rob your parents or kill someone and take their money.

Hey! Give me your money or I'll kill you!

Not me you fucking idiot. If you kill me, I won't be able to give you a seminar.

Fuck the seminar, I just want your money!

Oh, shit!


  • Killing that guy was the best the decision I ever made! Thank you, homicide! I'll get me a real hooker tonight, one with teeth!
  • I'm so pleased I took your course. Now I'm fully trained, I'm passing it on to another generation.
  • After taking this course, I realized that all of Richard Gere's movies don't actually suck as much as I thought they did.

See also

  • NLP Neuro-Linguistic Programming

Potatohead aqua.png Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 21 July 2006
This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
Template:FA/21 July 2006