HowTo:Blow a dog

If you're at work or school and someone sees you reading this, point to this picture, say "Isn't she cute?", and then quickly backspace the page. Practice doing this.

How to blow a dog? is a question I've often asked myself. Realizing this, I suddenly knew that everyone else alive has often asked themselves the same question. After literally minutes of research I learned that Cosmopolitan magazine has never fully addressed this important topic, nor have any other girly, sporty, or scientificy magazines. And, most surprisingly, pet magazines catering to pet owners and dog "lovers" have never presented their target audience with the complete answer to, apparently, the most popular unasked question in the world: "How do I blow a dog?"

Well, guess what. I don't take no for an answer. I went out and found out firsthand how to blow a dog, and now I'll tell you so you won't have to reinvent the wheel.

Find a dog

First, find a dog. You may have one at home. Or the neighbors usually have some. This is an easy first step, as dogs are everywhere. And I've come to learn that all of them want to be blown.

Get the dog alone

This is easy if you have a dog at home. If you live alone with the dog, Bingo! Even if you live with other people, just get the dog to follow you into a room where nobody else is, or take it into the basement. Getting it there is as easy as putting a treat in your hand, making one of those little sounds that the dog knows means either "come with me" or "food", and walking while patting the outside of your hip or thigh. The dog will follow. Even that Dog Whisperer guy will tell you that this stuff works. Pure gold, this information I'm giving you.

Tiny dogs are easier to blow, and they seem to want the experience to last just a little bit longer than the big dogs do. Go figure.

Romance the dog

You don't have to romance the dog. The dog wants to be blown as soon as you dim the lights and start the process. Give the dog a pat or a kiss on the head and you'll have it standing at attention and eating out of your hand. That's all you really need to do in the "romance" department.

Gender of the dog

Makes no difference. You know what to do either way.

Okay, just blow the dog already

Just blow the dog. Start to apply hot air and friction to whatever's down there. There you go, you've got the hang of it.

The two biggest problems as you blow the dog

I've found that there are two main problems you have to work around. First and foremost, pull away quickly when the dog starts to pee. They love to play this joke on you. I've learned that. All dogs do it. You will be going along nicely, both of you enjoying the experience, and the dog will start to pee. The dog just lets it flow. Why? I dunno. But this is just what a dog likes to do if you are blowing it properly, so be prepared for it.

The other main problem is that if you are really blowing the dog, well, it will scream like a banshee. People within hearing range will think that you are pulling out the dog's insides with freakin' pliers or something. And all you're doing is making the dog happy. They all do this. I don't know what to tell you. Just be prepared.

After you blow the dog

Don't give it time to relax when you're done, just get it outside.

Let it outside. By this time it will be all superior and taking on the alpha role, and you're going to have to get it outside and watch it poop to put it back in its place. And leave it out there for awhile. At least for a few minutes after it starts to bark to be let back in, just to show it who's boss. If you don't do this you'll going to have a renegade dog on your hands, one who thinks that you're going to blow it every time it rubs its pretty tail in your face.

Well, okay, I wanted to answer the one important question that everyone's afraid to ask their friends, family, or even some college undergrad working at one of those sick "Ask Me Your Most Embarrassing Question" Internet freak sites. I went in, did the experiments, and have clarified any remaining ambiguities. Now you know what I know. And if any of those doggy magazines or one of the fancy-pants plagiarizing columnists over at Cosmo suddenly starts to give out the same advice, you'll know where they got it. So, yeah, if you have any questions or some praise to bestow, take them to the source. Me. I did the work. I blew the dogs. And now I should reap the rewards.

Seems only fair.

Ashamed or just rehydrating? I dunno.

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