Pageants

“This is almost worse than original sin, except sexier.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Pageants

Pageants are contests where girls between the ages 13 to 26 compete based on their personality, talent,looks, intelligence.

History[edit]

The first pageant system ever created was the Miss America Organization, or MAO. It is very communist, as indicated by its acronym. It was started in Antlantic City, MA, in the 1920's, and women mostly had to prance around on stage in swimsuits that then, actually didn't reveal as much as they do today. This organization was working for the commies, but no one ever suspected that until the Miss America pageant was booted from network television. Eventually, they were able to convince the rednecks at CMT to let them show the pageant.

After this system was created, then came a bunch more systems. Miss USA and Miss Teen USA, National American Coed, National Miss, National American, America's Junior Miss, America's National Teenager, National Teen Miss, Miss Teen America, Team America World Police, among others.

Southern Pageants[edit]

Pageants are really popular in the south and in Texas, because they are trying to rebuild a confederate army to reinstitute slavery, which is why black people never win pageants in the south. The girls are often seen as superficial. Southern pageants, aka glitz pageants, are predominantly in the south.

These are plastic southern zombies. They eventually turn into green plastic soldiers.

New England Pageants[edit]

There are also a lot of separate pageants exclusive to the New England area. These pageants are a response to the glitz pageants, so they are ready to fight the confederate army, again. The winners are slightly smarter and less plastic, but not as pretty or blonde. Black people are allowed to win.

Rest of the country Pageants[edit]

None really. The rest of the states only participate in the ones that include all of the states. They don't win as often because they don't have the other pageants to participate in. But they still want to share world domination with the rest of the USA. The only state that has a chance to win is California, because they have Hollywood, who is also interested in world domination.

Areas of Competition[edit]

There are several areas of Competition that the Zombies, I mean girls are judged on. Pageant systems vary in the areas, but common ones include interview, talent, evening gown, personal introduction/on-stage question, swimsuit, and casual wear. They are all designed to train the girls to become a super zombie army force.

Interview[edit]

This is one of the most important areas of competition, and is included in all pageant systems, except southern ones because it is not necessary. The girls either talk one on one with each of the judges or they talk to all of the judges at once. The judges look for semi-intelligent answers, to be sure they can strategize during war, but not too smart, because they will resist the brain-washing. The girls have to have a nice personality so they can seduce people into liking the new regime, or make them jealous so they enter a pageant themselves to prove they are better. Some sample questions and answers are given later.

Talent[edit]

This is included in Miss America, but is optional in most other pageants. The contestants must either sing, dance, or do something else that requires talent. Most people are pretty bad at this, and if you watch, it is usually very hilarious. Most people cannot sing or dance worth anything. If people chose to play an instrument, there is a fifty-fifty chance they will be decent. If they do something else, there is the same chance they will be decent. Signing and Karate are usually bad ideas if you want to win. In Miss America, someone with the top five talents will win, guarenteed, because everyone else sucks. If the Talent is unique and good, they will definitely win. Talent is used so that the judges know they have some kind of special skill that can be used in warfare.

Evening Gown[edit]

Most systems also have this category. Girls parade around in a beautiful, usually sparkly gown, to show how graceful and poised they can be. The dress has to touch the ground no matter how old you are. The dress has to be conservative on the top, covering everything, if the contestant is under 14 years old because it will convince parents that their kids will not end up like Jon Benet Ramsey, and it is okay to enter more pageants. If older than 14, and if the contestant has clevage, the dress can practically be hanging off their breasts, but not completely. This usually earns higher marks because it is a sign that they can be very seductive to the masses.

Typical evening gown. Note amount of clevage showing.

Personal Introduction/On-stage question[edit]

Most systems have one of those. It is used to convince the audience that the contestants are not zombies. The contestant stands on stage, and either recites a small speech or is asked a question like in interview. This makes it appear that the girls have at least a resemblance of a mind, but with a lot of training, zombies can do anything, so this is not true.

Swimsuit[edit]

This is probably one of the most difficult tasks because being practically naked on stage and having to walk around in 4-inch heels convinces most people not to enter pageants. The purpose of this is seduction of men and lesbians. Most systems do not include this, because they are Democrats and dont want to "Offend" anyone because some women look hotter in a swimsuit than others. Also, people don't want pedophiles going to these pageants and ruining the army. Miss USA and Miss Teen USA are owned by Donald Trump, the head of all pedophiles, so that's why their bathing suits are the skimpiest.

She is smiling to hide the trauma of being half naked on stage in high heels.

Casual Wear[edit]

This is usually optional, but it supposedely is like being a fashion model. It isn't really, but it is a technique used to make people follow pageants more, because people really like celebrities and models.

The Final Pageant[edit]

This is where we find out the results. After all of the preliminary competitions, the top 10 or 20 are called out after the hypnotic production number where the girls dance around, and they recompete in a couple of areas again to get in the top five. Then the top 5 answer an on-stage question, where they have to seem smart but not too smart. It isn't to hard really, you don't have to know what big words mean. Like integrity. Miss Teen USA didn't know what it meant and she still won. Then after the questions, the fourth, third, second, and first runners-up are called along with the winner. The previous winner doesn't really go away, they are just kept in holding for however long it takes to launch the army's first attack. Usually when the winner is crowned, she goes into and extreme fit that is brought on by the mind control device in the crown. She will usually start crying and jerking about. It happens every time.

Typical Crowning.

Sample Interview Questions[edit]

Why do you want this title?
Who is your role model, and why?
Whom do you admire most? In what way does that person inspire you?
Who is the woman you admire most?
As times change, what contemporary woman do you think is the best role model for your generation and why?
Who is the most influential woman in your state? in USA? in Politics?
What important figure (political, sports, entertainer, etc.) either local, state, or national do you feel is the best role model for young people today, and why?
Do you feel you have much impact on the lives of the people you come in contact with?
In what way could you be a role model for the youth of today?
Can you think of someone outside of your family who, over a short period of time, significantly influenced your life?
In the past 100 years, who, in your opinion, has been the most influential person in the world?

Those are just a few questions that a contestant must answer. As anyone with half a brain can see, these aren't questions that can be answererd by a complete idiot as pageant girls are typically stereotyped.

Famous Women in Pageants[edit]

Famous Men in Pageants[edit]

Believe it or not, some men dressed up in drag and competed in pageants that are famous today. Coincidentally, they are all gay as well.