UnNews:I'm a doctor — You're peeing all wrong

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5 November 2024

Dr. Some (AI rendition) is affiliated with this city's renowned Mayonnaise Clinic.

MINNEAPOLIS, Minnesota -- Doctor P. Danforth Some, Ph.D., has written a paper on America's foremost medical journal, TikTok, warning people to stop engaging in "unhealthy" toilet habits.

"My number-one rule is never to urinate in the shower," says Dr. Some. "You can smell it, ew! And you don't know what kinds of microbes are in it." Dr. Some says his watchword is to pee somewhere it is "gone and forgotten" — a stream or lake or, if you are in a large city, the gutter or a public park. The windows of a large retail store are also a good target, as these are cleaned frequently.

Dr. Some also advises against common affectations such as running tap water to mask the sound, or reading a newspaper as you sit on "the throne". He says, "Imagine if your brain begins to associate those activities with your bladder! What if reading simple railway signs begins to "set you off"?

Another tip from Dr. Some, who says he did take an anatomy course on his way to his Doctor of Journalism, is to always "hold it" until you are "bursting at the seams". "Ni-Cad batteries, if repeatedly half-charged and then discharged, begin to develop a 'memory' in which they refuse to charge past half-full. You would not want that happening to you." Likewise, nagging children to "make tinkle" before that three-hour car trip can lead to numerous issues later in life. Just tell them there will be a chance to go, once you arrive.

Dr. Some's final tip is to oldsters who may notice a reddish tint to their urine. "Don't panic! It may simply be that you ate a plate-full of beets earlier in the day and forgot you did."

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