UnNews:Alfa Romeos to get even uglier

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29 May 2024

An Alfa Romeo motorcar showing the lethal number plate.

SCUDETTO, Italy -- The signature off-center number plate of Alfa Romeo cars is about to fall into the dustbin of history.

The move owes to recent changes to the General Safety Regulations in the European Community that rule that side-mounted plates pose a greater risk to pedestrians. Under this theory, a pedestrian mowed down by a motorcar might have an impression of the number plate in a single buttock. If the plate featured embossed numbers, they would appear on the affected bum in reverse, an unsightly consequence that would render many funerals especially mortifying.

In contrast, if a pedestrian were run over by an Alfa Romeo but not killed or rendered unconscious, it might keep him from taking down the number if the plate were not where he expected it to be. Predictability could help catch up to a dangerous driver, or at least prove again that the EC can pursue hypercaution and pettiness more efficiently than if left to the member nations.

Future Alfa Romeos will move the number plate in the middle of the grille, right over the air intake. However, Alfa Romeo chief Jean-Philippe Imparato said, "This is actually no big deal. Most people who drive Alfa Romeos believe that efficient engine cooling is greatly over-rated."

Current owners of Alfa Romeos with side-mounted plates will be given several weeks to retrofit their vehicles and move the plate over the radiator, securing it with tie-wraps, mucilage, or perhaps duct tape.

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