UnNews:Trump tees up new American empire
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Wednesday, January 29, 2025, 20:15:59 (UTC) |
| Trump tees up new American empire | 
|
23 December 2024
MAGA-LAGO, Florida -- U.S. President-elect Donald Trump is setting the stage for a new era of American imperialism.
As perennial adversary China gobbled up Hong Kong and is drooling over Taiwan, Russia took half of Ukraine and is flexing its muscles in the Baltics, and Iran's mullahtollahs have post-moved their Risk! gamepieces into several nations abutting Israel — the United States under nominal President Joe Biden has been relatively quiescent, not conquering any new places and in fact conducting hasty exits from Afghanistan and several minor African countries, between Executive power naps.
Thus the President-elect has been dropping hints that he will seek to Make America Gigantic Again (MAGA), from the sweaty Republic of Panama to snowy Greenland.
The Trumpster's beef with Panama is the high tolls charged to American shipping and to warships. The businessman explains, "When a competitor is setting prices too high to maximize demand, you look to acquisition." He says Congress could issue bonds — a perennial American cure-all — to purchase 51% of the nation that the U.S. does not already own. Panamanian President José Raúl Mulino responded that Panamanians would stop their silly dispute over his 14th Constitutional term of office and rally around the flag and the national currency — No, sorry, that is already the U.S. dollar. Citizens in the capital are already preparing to be the ones to earn more of them serving empanadas to the invading American dough-boys.
Greenland — which Trump notes "is a lot smaller than it looks on most maps, and not even green" — is a frozen island that Trump offered to purchase in 2019. Denmark, the current owner of the wasteland, called the offer "absurd", leading to diplomatic snubs and many of the Mean Tweets that defined Trump's first term. However, much like the vision Trump espoused to North Korean president Kim, Greenland contains a massive coastline and could be home to dozens of luxury beachfront resorts for tourists who do not insist on wearing bikinis. Experts with the Department of Defense note its strategic position between the Arctic and Atlantic Oceans. They believe that military bases on Greenland would give the U.S. better advance warning of incoming missiles, giving Biden holdovers in the new Trump administration more time to propose dropping sanctions, negotiate terms of surrender, or claim Trump is complicit.
The "Orange Man" has even notified America's neighbors, Canada and Mexico, that they face assimilation. Each could become a single U.S. state, with Mexico's President and Canada's Prime Minister serving as state governors. Canada's existing Governor-General, the Rt. Hon. Sunko McStunko, left the room with a scowl when asked his opinion. However, the U.S. Democratic Party, which has perennially advocated for two new U.S. states that would never vote Republican, should be an enthusiastic backer.
Republican strategists warn that Trump should be careful what he wishes for. He is term-limited from running in 2028, and Canada's ultra-fashionable "Governor" Justin Trudeau is about to be out of a job but would instantly leapfrog the leading U.S. governors (California's Gavin Newsom and Michigan's Gretchen Whitmer) for the Democratic nomination. And, although Trump did win an impressive handful of Jewish votes in 2024, the next Republican nominee could not compete if the Democrats nominated Mexico's "Governor" Sheinbaum.
Sources[edit]
- Shane Galvin "Trump threatens to demand ownership of Panama Canal ‘in full’". New York Post, December 22, 2024
- Caitlin McCormack "Trump wants to buy Greenland, again". New York Post, December 23, 2024