UnNews:Lebanon upgrades comms gear

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We have met the enemy, and he is us ✪ UnNews ✪ Saturday, December 21, 2024, 12:52:59 (UTC)
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18 September 2024

An artist's rendition of the festivities now occurring throughout Lebanon.

BEIRUT, Lebanon -- The nation of Lebanon has converted to brand new pager technology with surprising results.

Military leader Nasrallah (whose name means Nose of God) mandated the move following the death of kingpin Fuad Shukr (whose name means someone cheats at Scrabble) out of concern that neighboring Israel was snooping and tracking the Hezbollah terrorist militia through the cell phones they used to use. Nasrallah says he got "such a deal" by doing business with a guy named Moshe, but this seems to have been short for Mossad.

Cleverly, all of the innovative devices used plastic explosive to ensure a snug fit of the internal components, and had AI software able to make the batteries overheat and detonate. The software was triggered on Tuesday, and over 3,000 holy warriors received embarrassing injuries to the face, if reading the pager at the time of the explosion, or more embarrassing injuries otherwise. Lebanon's Health Ministry says several children were killed in the nationwide fireworks celebration, as that is simply what the region's Health Ministries do. Officials warned that children should never scrounge through the pockets of their parents' work clothes in the closet.

Israel has denied it was behind the Rube Goldberg scheme, noting that there are several Middle Eastern nations that might want to remove noses or nuts from a lot of Hezbollah fighters. But reports point to Israel and say that, although there was no action in the last week that cried out for avenging, Hezbollah leaders might have gotten suspicious about the devices, and the Israeli military decided it was a case of "use it or lose it," and maiming a lot of Lebanese over nothing carried the day, versus not maiming them at all. A second set of explosions occurred today, affecting walkie-talkies, blenders, and Karaoke machines.

Hezbollah is expected to change strategies in favor of one in which its agents do not communicate at all, but practice random terrorism without coordination. Unfortunately, there is no remaining way to inform the agents of the change.

Nothing comparable has ever happened in the West, except that the Biden Administration has paid millions of rich Americans to buy new electric vehicles whose batteries also explode.

The Lebanese Health Minister tried to put the best face on the nationwide mishap, saying that Lebanon now has excellent prospects for the 2028 Paralympics.

Sources[edit]

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