UnNews:Biden v Trump rematch confirmed

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out UnNews Monday, April 22, 2024, 13:56:59 (UTC)

Biden v Trump rematch confirmed UnNews Logo Potato.png

16 March 2024

The Red and the Blue

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- It's finally been confirmed: The greatest presidential battle since the last one will see old rivals back in the war for America's future. In the Red corner is Donnie the Dinosaur up against, in the Blue corner, the oldest fossil in the drawer, "Jurassic Joe" Biden.

This much-anticipated rematch may be giving old age a bad name, but the race for the White House will come down to which candidate is losing his marbles first. So far, Jurassic Joe appeared to be in the lead on that score, but recent public outings for Dino Donnie have revealed he can't tell a Nancy Pelosi from a Nikki Haley in a bright room.

"Our candidate is totally on the ball," said Trump national spokeswoman Karoline Leavitt. "He keeps taking cognitive tests so he can spot the difference between a giraffe and one of his ex-wives. Our boy is going to pull Biden's pants down and whack him on the bare ass."

The Democrats are equally confident that Jurassic Joe will have the competitive edge. Rep. Adam Schiff of California said, "Joe is expecting Trump will soon dig a big enough hole for himself while out campaigning that he will fall in it and not be able to clamber out. In fact, he may well stay in there and tell everyone that it was deliberate."

Both Democrats and Republicans are worried that a third-party candidate will siphon off votes and go Mammalian on them. The most likely "thirder" is Robert F. Kennedy Jr.. Going against his family tradition of being registered Democrats, Kennedy is a danger to Trump's conspiracy theorist wing of the MAGA movement and an enthusiastic supporter of QAnon and the power of the Deep State. But Democrats are worried that the Kennedy name will persuade their supporters and Robert F. Kennedy will attract fringe voters, including those who think John F. Kennedy Jr. is still alive and hiding somewhere near Nantucket.

Respected political Twitter commentator Tucker Carlson called the race even. "Donald will win unless a comet strikes the Earth before November 2024."