UnNews:Ohio city goes to the dogs

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Straight talk, from straight faces ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, September 26, 2024, 23:13:59 (UTC)
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13 September 2024

A typical Sunday dinner in Springfield

SPRINGFIELD, Ohio -- Sleepy Springfield has been woken up with a jolt after former President Donald Trump called it the cat-and-dog-eating capital of the United States. Basing his accusation on a spate of missing pets, Trump said immigrants from Haiti were catnapping and dog-taking all over the city as ingredients for a hot dog recipe popular in their home country, second only to kitten cutlets.

"This is a national scandal," said Trump at a presidential debate held between him and Kamala Harris on ABC-TV. "In Ohio, people have to keep their pets inside, in case the snatch patrols, who are financed by the Radical Democrats, butcher them or turn them into voodoo dolls. If you want to eat Tiddles and Fido, then vote Democrat in November."

Trump's accusation that the Haitians were responsible for the pet thefts was swiftly rebutted by both debate moderators. They said the rumor had been officially given the lie, to-wit, by Springfield city manager Brian Heck. "Nothing to see here," said Heck. "Move along." Tapes of emergency calls to 911 have been flown to Washington where the FBI will study them for months. The state's governor, Mike DeWine, also denied the immigrants were a problem, while sending the National Guard to the city to help ensure that everyone drives on the right.

Trump's charge seems to play to a nation whose love of pets also scotched the budding campaign of terrier-killer Kristi Noem to become Trump's Vice Presidential pick. J.D. Vance, who became Trump's running mate instead, repeated Trump's message and said that, if the Haitians run out of house pets, they could well turn to eating babies instead. "It is up to the Haitians to prove they are not eating our pets," said Vance. "If this is not stopped, they will start to eat Republican voters next."

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