UnNews:DNA evidence shows how Christ would vote

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The news outlet with approval higher than Congress ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 06:28:59 (UTC)
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13 October 2024

Jesus has picked that one.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Recent scholarship using modern DNA analysis shows whom Jesus Christ would be backing in the U.S. federal elections on November 5.

The findings follow recent papers that show that Christopher Columbus was a Jew, scholarly work showing that the American Founders were racists who valued African-Americans as three-fifths of a person, and a pathbreaking study from Elton John that Elon Musk is an "asshole".

Recent science that certain genes correlate with homosexuality lets grant recipients use small bits of DNA from historical figures to disparage them in scientific journals. On this basis, King Arthur has been outed as a closet pooftah.

Though the Shroud of Turing remains elusive, one Kansas City-area movie-house marquee recently provided scientific evidence that Jesus would be sympathetic to the LGBT Community, as He "had two fathers". Moreover, His mother's reproductive history was hardly conventional. This suggests that He would be all-in for Kamala Harris, who has sought support from pornographers, appeared on Howard Stern, and has a "personality" as queer as a three-dollar bill. But Libertarian Party candidate Chase Oliver is openly gay, though utterly nothing else is known about him, so Christ might be teasing a protest vote.

However, being the Prince of Peace, He might favor Donald Trump, who had no new wars start on his watch — only continuation of decades-old wars in places like Afghanistan, plus occasional detonations of foreign leaders.

UnNews Senior Editors have turned to prayer to determine whom the Lord would cast His vote for, in order to perhaps monetize the finding on websites such as Polymarket or PredictIt. They feel that a portent or revelation is imminent.

Sources[edit]

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