Shroud of Turing

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“Hey! Check out this neat-o sail I found!”

~ Charles Darwin on The Shroud of Turing

The Shroud of Turing is a very old blanket which, when placed over the head of a messiah, allows a fair double blind test to be carried out where said messiah attempts to determine whether an entity with whom he is conversing is human, or an Artificial Intelligence. The renowned scientist, Judas, was unfortunately many hundreds of years ahead of his time, as he began this experiment long before any convincing attempt at producing an Artificial Intelligence had been made.

As such, the results of the test were inconclusive, though Judas was still paid his full research grant of 30 pieces of silver for the work.

In 1066 (although there is still a court case in progress, as 1666 also claims credit) Judas was awarded a Noble Peace Prize for his work.

The shroud was later purchased by Wizards of the Coast, along with its patents and copyrights, for exclusive use in its Dungeons and Dragons 3.85rd edition game, where it was retconed to conform to the following specifications:


The famous image

This powerful relic was first known to be worn by Jebbuz of Nazareth (who later became known as Jesus H. Christ after reaching 40th level and deciding to head right into Demigodhood) throughout all of his adventuring career, and was buried with him at the time of his death, shortly after which time it vanished. It has since turned up occasionally in the hands of a group of adventurers, and of course (like all such powerful items) subsequently lost when their party wiped during a raid.

Description: The shroud is the size of a large cloak, and bears the faded after-immage of Jebbuz clearly on one side. It has held up remarkably well after two thousand years of being dragged through dungeon crawls, but has become faded and worn around the edges.

Activation: The shroud is a continual use item that is worn as a cloak. Its spell-like ability are use-activated, and have a number of uses per day that can be activated as long as it is being worn, as well as a continually active effect.

Alignment: Lawful Stupid. Individuals of either Intelligent or Chaotic alignment that wear the shroud immediately gain one negative level. The negative level is lost when the shroud is removed.

Effect: While worn, the shroud grants its wearer a +1 holy bonus to AC and all saving throws. It also protects the wearer with a continually active Protection From Stupidity spell.

In addition to its continual effects, the wearer of the shroud can cast a divine spell three times a day, chosen from the following list: Banishment, Calm Emotions, Contingency, Enthrall, Firestorm, Forbiddance, Heal, Heal, Mass, Hero's Feast, Holy Aura, Holy Word, Legend Lore, Miracle and True Resurrection. If a given spell has an XP component, the wearer must provide for it, or the effect fails to function.

Variants: Several imitations of the shroud were created after its initial disappearance, including numerous copies of the imitation, the Shroud of Turrano (which can only allow the wearer to produce French bread), the cursed Shroud of Turrets Syndrome, the Shroud of Toranto or the Shroud of Time (though some scholars believe that that particular variation hasn't actually been crafted yet).

Aura/Caster Level: Overwhelming Stupid and Lawful, CL 18th.

Construction: The Council of Nicea decided that the shroud would be made the following way:

  • Large pot of boiling holy water - European or American
  • Teaspoon of vanilla extract
  • 2 eggs - brown or white
  • 1 bushel of wool - preferable white in color (see Nazism)
  • Ample handful of pubic hair
  • A slice of haggis

Combine all ingredients in pot, stir like mad for 15 minutes, then pour the steaming mass out onto some bearded dead guy. (A live participant can be used for extra fun!) Roll the mass all over the body - using rolling pins - until completely covered. Bake in a 350 degree oven until golden brown, or a toothpick comes out cleanly. Serves any number of Christians.

Weight: 5 lb.

Price: 2,653,800 gp.

"I present this award to you for services to Black metal, yeah, death death slaughter, I'm gonna have, your son AND your daughter" ~ Oscar Wilde, Judas's award speech, 1066/1666

See also[edit]