University of Phoenix

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The "University" of Phoenix at Phoenix (UOP,University of Phoenix or simply Phoeniggas) is the flagship university of the University of Phoenix system and the original ghetto-ivy. Founded by Jerry Springer-watching entrepreneur Albert P. Phoenix in 1869, it offers comprehensive studies in underwater basket weaving, real-estate bubbling, and food stamping. Its endowment currently stands at $3.02 billion mostly made up from donations from currently-attending students through the federal loans they probably shouldn't be obtaining anyways. An entirely for-profit scheme, it actually produces negative intellectual value and Maury Povich-watching-ready graduates through its "hands off" approach to academics reminiscent to the one used by its peer institution, Westwood College.

The University of Phoenix is a pet name given to a loosely-knit global network of thieves masquerading as real academic administrators. These people don't know shit about academics or higher learning, but that won't stop them from taking your money. A degree costs just $65,000,000 USD and can be obtained from vending machines at local airports or nightclubs (don't forget your credit card!).

The Greatness[edit]

Contrary to the above section which is an obvious attempt from a Yale alum to libel UOP's good name, the University of Phoenix is actually considered the single best university one could dream of attending. A degree from this university is above that of a degree from Yale, Harvard, or Oxford. Only the most prestigious super-human gods (see John Smith and Mormons) are allowed to attend the all mighty college that is UOP. Phoenix was started in 4000 B.C. by God himself. Only the greatest of the greats attend UOP. Phoenix alumni includes Moses, the Jews, Pharo, Julius Caesar, and Pilot. King Arthur attended as well but later transferred to Harvard because his grades were slipping. UOP's freshman criteria is so intense that Jesus H. Christ, the bastard son of god, couldn't get in. All in all, paying a mere arm and leg per credit hour for the chance to soak in the greatness of the school, through the superior on-line format, will guarantee graduates immediate large sums of cash and blow-jobs from super models.


The Great Phoenix doesn't need marketing. In fact, the internet creates bots which send out masses of emails daily to spread word of the Phoenix. Students also find out about UOP as babies are born with Phoenix logo birthmarks.

Upon the completion of exceedingly difficult tasks, the Great Phoenix only allows and grants attendance to the most talented super humans. If you actually want to get into the real University of Phoenix you have to rape 5 babies and drain the blood of a lactating Ethiopian woman. Once you bring the milk and blood of the lactating Ethiopian to the great Phoenix he will asses your worthiness and godliness and see if you are fit to attend his University. The Phoenix is kept hidden deep in the catacombs of the Arizona Indian Reservations.

Studying with the "University"[edit]

Studying consists of learning how to throw lightning bolts, bring wrath upon the jews, and killing infidels. Once completed you become Jesus of your own planet that you get to populate with your 72 virgins.

The journey to the degree is long and harsh. If a baby looks weak or sick it will be discarded at the University. If you are raised with the University you are taugh to fight, never to retreat, never to surrender.

Working for the "University"[edit]

No one actually works for the University. All knowledge gained is done so through osmosis, LSD trips, and the Divine spirit of god and the great Phoenix. The people who you may see working at the university called “professors” are actually divine automatons.

Further Reading[edit]