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“He's in the details”
On His Followers
- All the sinners in the world are mine. Except for dyslexics - they belong to Santa.
- Pederasts aren't mine, either - God got them first and made them into priests. When they come down here I keep them in the pit I use as my personal toilet. I always see if I can get Jimmy Saville in the eye with my piss trajectory.
- Look, I had nothing to do with that whole garden of Eden thing, okay? The stupid cow got hungry near the knowledge tree, that was all!
- Who in their right mind would think sex is evil? It's how you get made, so get laid!
- Okay I'm fucking awesome but don't diss me for being [Proud - who spent six days making the universe and then thought it was good?
- And while we're on the subject, I'm not taking any crap about Sloth from people who laze about on the seventh day.
- Wrath!?!? Who killed all those Egyptian first-born, hm?
- Gluttony? Catholics are the ones who eat their own god. And then there's Jerry Falwell!
- Don't talk to me about Greed when televangelists make millions. Looking at you again, Jerry!
- Look, stop sacrificing virgin girls to me, ok? They're lame in the sack.
- No goats, either - I've gone through fifteen Palaces of Agony already, they eat everything.
- No goat thieves either. They'll chase me all over the place with their butcher knives!
- No fags either. I have enough dicks to deal with. (cough)Hitler.(cough, cough)
On The Competition
- Ok, so the other guy has you stone women to death, blow yourselves and lots of innocent people up, kill millions because they worship some other version of him, stop people having sex and not do anything on Sunday and you think I'm bad? What's with that?
- Say what you want, but there are no odious little bouffant-haired American gobshites on TV trying to screw you out of your money in my name.
- Heaven? Why freeze your ass off on a cold, windy cloud? It's warmer down here!
- The other guy says you'll spend eternity in torment if you come to hell, but think about it, he wouldn't be the first competitor to rubbish the competition would he?
- Well, when you're hot, you're HOT!
On Controlling the TV
- I don't bother these days - cable companies do a far better job corrupting people. Why have a dog and bark yourself?
- You think I corrupt them? Thousands of years of rape, murder, torture, cruelty, viciousness - it's been an education, I tell you!
- Don't like the human body? Then complain to the Maker - whichever one you think did it, that is.