Falsely attributing quotes to Winston Churchill was once the national sport of England, and remains a popular spectator sport. Unfortunately, it was surpassed in popularity by making up Oscar Wilde quotes in the inevitable War-Leader-Made-Up-Quote backlash of the early 1960s. Churchill (1874-1965) was Prime Minister of Great Britain during World War II and again from 1951-1955.
The secret to successful fake-quoting of Winston Churchill is to say each quote in a bulldog-like voice, while trying to ignore the fact that bulldogs are unable to speak. Moreover, since most British bulldogs were tragically lost in the Mad Bulldog Disease Epidemic of 1991. Still, despite its decreased popularity, there are many who still strive to keep the game alive. Below is a selection of the best.
Winston Churchill's Most Famous Quotes
Churchill on Government
- "I would say to the House, as I said to those who have joined this Government: 'I have nothing to offer but blood, sex, money, food, water, shelter, ice cream, monkeys, more sex, rubber bands, and twigs."
- "Now, this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. It is not even the end of the beginning's end. Nor is it the beginning of the end's beginning. Nor the end's beginning of the ending, beginning with what seemed to have been the end of the beginning, when in actual fact it was the beginning of the beginning's end. But, it may be the beginning of what appeared to be the end of the beginning of the end. That, or the middle."
- "There are those who would call us weak; those who would question our resolve; those who would place obstacles in our path; those who would steal our bicycles during tea, and never return them; those who would point out our grammatical inconsistencies, just to be annoying; those who would rain Devonshire cream buns down upon us; those who would blame us for failing to properly train Shane MacGowan's dentist; and those who would give aid and comfort to our Tesco employees; and to them all, I say, 'Try our delicious tinned ham products.'"
- "And a great Iron Curtain shall descend right the way across the bay windows of my living room"
- "Thank god for the French! If it wasn't for them, the Germans would've never gotten bogged down in all that surrendering, and the Nazis would've crushed us by teatime last Thursday."
- "We shall not fail or falter; we shall not weaken or tire... And if we do, it shall be the enemy's fault, not ours."
- "We shall show a bit of mercy, but only if they ask for it nicely."
- "Roosevelt says, 'We have nothing to fear but fear itself,' but I say we have a hell of a lot to fear. I mean there's the Germans, the Italians, and the Japanese.
- "What's the point, the Royals are all krauts anyway. We surrender."
- "I'd be in the trenches myself, but I am smarter than that."
- "I have had it with these mothafuckin' Germans in these mothafuckin' planes!"
- "Eleanor Roosevelt is so homely shes either a man or British."
- "The problem is that they're over-paid, over-sexed, and over-here. Bloody Yank tourists!"
- "Where the hell were you people? This war started years ago!"
- "There can never be friendship between the British democracy and the Nazi power, that power which spurns Christian ethics, which cheers its onward course by a barbarous paganism, which vaunts the spirit of aggression and conquest, which derives strength and perverted pleasure from persecution, and uses, as we have seen, with pitiless brutality, the threat of Kraftwerk albums, Werner Herzog movies, Klaus Nomi, Hermann Hesse novels, and blutenschnitzel against us."
- "Herr Hitler, if you're not using the south of France, how about swapsies for Canada and Mick-land?"
- "I have to tell you now, that I have received no such undertaking, and in consequence this Nation must all sing together: Hitler has only got one ball, Goering has two but they're very small, Himmler has something similar, and poor old Goebbels has no balls at all."
- "There are forgotten words, nay almost forbidden words, which means more to me than any other. Those words are "Two World Wars and One World Cup!""
- "Never in the field of human conflict have so many owed so much to so few - but there's always a boom after every bust."
- "Never in the field of human conflict have so many owed so much to me."
- "Mr. DeGaulle, you are to the war what piles are to Lester Piggott."
- "You know, I'd rather have my bottom impaled on a giant cactus than to have to speak to that jumped-up Frenchman. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing the French should be allowed to host is an invasion." -Overheard at the first, and last, party thrown by DeGaulle for Englishmen.
- "Going to war without France is like going hunting without your accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
- "The french are like Americans...too many of them."
- "You look like a female llama surprised in the bath." - To Charles DeGaulle
- "I speak from personal experience." - Churchill under his breath
- "Madam, I may be drunk, but you are a ugly. and in the morning, you will still be ugly, and I will be drunk again."
- "Madam, I may be drunk, but..." [vomits uncontrollably]
- "The traditions of the Royal Navy are rum, sodomy, and the lash... and I enjoyed every single throbbing minute of my time in the Admiralty."
- "If you have knowledge, let others light their candles with it. If you have a vagina, let others stick their candles in it."
- "I've had more out of alcohol than alcohol has had out of me"
Churchill's Best Advice
On What to Do
- "When going to war, always be nice to the chaps who are fighting; they're probably having a rough time."
- "If you are going through Hell, good. Fuck you."
- "Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, ever use excessive word repetition in an attempt to achieve some sort of dramatic effect. Ever"
- "When you finally cross the line and reach your destination, gloat not, but rather act like you have been there before. Just hand the ball to the official."
On What to Say
- "One might say: 'You are a fool.' To that I would say: 'Piss off.'"
- "Nothing is more difficult than to tell a mother of the loss of her son on the field of battle, so I usually start with a fart joke or two."
On How to Act
- "Always be vigilant, and always be aware of your enemy's motivations, but never be so drunk as to throw up on your nice new shoes."
- "At parties, always be gracious to the ladies, just in case two of them might be interested in a threesome."
- "When abroad, I make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my own country. However, my own country's hookers, booze, and scrambled eggs are another matter entirely."
Churchill on Uncyclopedia
- "If my legacy and all that it is worth lasts for a thousand years, men will still say, "Churchill had a quote page on Uncyclopedia. This was his finest hour."